is a secret book; the formula for the herbs is a secret formula. Only very few people know the secret, so only a very few people ever get brought back to life. Probably very rich people like the royal family. I’ll bet the Queen Mum will live to be at least a hundred years old. Because each time she dies, they’ll bring her back to life with voodoo magic.” [4]
“You’ve won me over,” said Dave. “So when do we do it?”
“I thought we’d follow the funeral and see where they bury Mr Penrose. Then come back at night and dig him up.”
“Too much trouble,” said Dave. “All that digging. Why not do it at his wake? When all his friends are there. They’ll be dead pleased to see him up and about again.” Dave tittered.
“Why do you titter?” I asked.
“
Dead
pleased,” said Dave.
“That isn’t very funny,” I said.
“No,” said Dave. “You’re right. But I heard this really funny joke. Would you care to hear it?”
“I would,” I said.
“OK,” said Dave. “It’s the one about the man with the huge green head. Have you heard it?” [5]
“No,” I said.
“OK,” said Dave again. “So this bloke is standing at a bus stop and he’s got this huge green head, and I mean
huge
. It’s enormous. And this other bloke comes up and keeps looking at it; he’s fascinated, he can’t take his eyes off this first bloke’s huge green head. Finally the bloke with the huge green head says, ‘OK, go on, ask me.’ And the other bloke says, ‘What?’ And the bloke with the green head says, ‘Ask me how I got this huge green head. You want to, I know.’ So the other bloke says, ‘How did you get that huge green head?’ So the bloke with the huge green head says, ‘Well, it’s a really funny story. I was walking along Brighton beach and I found this old brass lamp and I rubbed it and this genie came out and said, “You’ve freed me from the lamp and so you can have three wishes.” So I said, “All right! Then for my first wish I want to be incredibly wealthy with this huge mansion with secret rooms with soldiers in and kitchens full of cakes and sweets and suitcases with diamonds and emeralds in them.” And there’s a big puff of smoke and I’m in this huge mansion with all the things I’d asked for. And the genie says, “What do you want for your second wish?” And I say, “Right, I want the most beautiful woman in the world to be my wife and she has to want to sex me all the time, with brief breaks while she cooks me sausages and cuts me pieces of cake and pours me Tizer and stuff like that.” And there’s another puff and she appears. Just like how I wanted. Incredible.’
“And the bloke with the huge green head pauses and the other bloke looks at him and says, ‘OK, go on. What did you wish for with your last wish?’
“And the bloke with the huge green head says—”
“‘I wished for a huge green head, of course,’” said I. “I have heard it.”
“And isn’t it a blinder?”
“I think it’s probably the funniest joke in the whole wide world,” I said. “I can’t imagine there being a funnier one.”
“I only wish I understood it,” said Dave.
“Don’t worry,” I said. “You understand the pleasures of the launderette. That’s something in itself. So, are you up for this? We go to Mr Penrose’s wake and bring him back to life. This is a good plan, yes?”
“It’s a great plan,” said Dave. “We’ll probably get a medal from the Pope and a special certificate from Her Majesty the Queen for this. If it works.”
“It will work,” I said. “Trust me. It will work.”
Over the next few days I kept pressing the Daddy regarding the matter of Mr Penrose’s wake and how it would be such a good idea for me to come to it too. How it would be so educational for me and everything. But the Daddy wasn’t having any of that. He was adamant. I was not going. It was by invitation only and it wasn’t for children.
I kept an eye on the doormat for
“You’ve won me over,” said Dave. “So when do we do it?”
“I thought we’d follow the funeral and see where they bury Mr Penrose. Then come back at night and dig him up.”
“Too much trouble,” said Dave. “All that digging. Why not do it at his wake? When all his friends are there. They’ll be dead pleased to see him up and about again.” Dave tittered.
“Why do you titter?” I asked.
“
Dead
pleased,” said Dave.
“That isn’t very funny,” I said.
“No,” said Dave. “You’re right. But I heard this really funny joke. Would you care to hear it?”
“I would,” I said.
“OK,” said Dave. “It’s the one about the man with the huge green head. Have you heard it?” [5]
“No,” I said.
“OK,” said Dave again. “So this bloke is standing at a bus stop and he’s got this huge green head, and I mean
huge
. It’s enormous. And this other bloke comes up and keeps looking at it; he’s fascinated, he can’t take his eyes off this first bloke’s huge green head. Finally the bloke with the huge green head says, ‘OK, go on, ask me.’ And the other bloke says, ‘What?’ And the bloke with the green head says, ‘Ask me how I got this huge green head. You want to, I know.’ So the other bloke says, ‘How did you get that huge green head?’ So the bloke with the huge green head says, ‘Well, it’s a really funny story. I was walking along Brighton beach and I found this old brass lamp and I rubbed it and this genie came out and said, “You’ve freed me from the lamp and so you can have three wishes.” So I said, “All right! Then for my first wish I want to be incredibly wealthy with this huge mansion with secret rooms with soldiers in and kitchens full of cakes and sweets and suitcases with diamonds and emeralds in them.” And there’s a big puff of smoke and I’m in this huge mansion with all the things I’d asked for. And the genie says, “What do you want for your second wish?” And I say, “Right, I want the most beautiful woman in the world to be my wife and she has to want to sex me all the time, with brief breaks while she cooks me sausages and cuts me pieces of cake and pours me Tizer and stuff like that.” And there’s another puff and she appears. Just like how I wanted. Incredible.’
“And the bloke with the huge green head pauses and the other bloke looks at him and says, ‘OK, go on. What did you wish for with your last wish?’
“And the bloke with the huge green head says—”
“‘I wished for a huge green head, of course,’” said I. “I have heard it.”
“And isn’t it a blinder?”
“I think it’s probably the funniest joke in the whole wide world,” I said. “I can’t imagine there being a funnier one.”
“I only wish I understood it,” said Dave.
“Don’t worry,” I said. “You understand the pleasures of the launderette. That’s something in itself. So, are you up for this? We go to Mr Penrose’s wake and bring him back to life. This is a good plan, yes?”
“It’s a great plan,” said Dave. “We’ll probably get a medal from the Pope and a special certificate from Her Majesty the Queen for this. If it works.”
“It will work,” I said. “Trust me. It will work.”
Over the next few days I kept pressing the Daddy regarding the matter of Mr Penrose’s wake and how it would be such a good idea for me to come to it too. How it would be so educational for me and everything. But the Daddy wasn’t having any of that. He was adamant. I was not going. It was by invitation only and it wasn’t for children.
I kept an eye on the doormat for
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