fist.”
“Sooner or later I will have to train for something. I’ll have to get some practical education. But, don’t you see, my hands are tied until Jem’s in school next fall. Until then, I just have to do what I can to help Mona out, and … and take the consequences for the kind of person I have been.”
“What do you mean?” I said. “I don’t understand.”
“I’m just beginning to understand, myself,” she said in a wistful,
humble
tone I had never heard her use before. “You see, all my life, I got to do exactly as I wanted. When I chose to run off and get married rather than go to Sweet Briar, I did it. There was some fuss made, but what could they do? I was their only child and they had raised me to believe I was a law unto myself. And when your father had to go to war three months later, and I was already expecting you, I was welcomed home like the prodigal daughter. After you were born, I got to go off to Mary Washington every day and take what courses I wanted while someone looked after you at home. And I took art, and courses like ‘The History of Furniture,’ things like that. Nothing so boring as shorthand or typing or anything that would help me get a job later. Who needed a
job?
I had three people to take care of me. And then, when the war was over, and your father wanted to go off to Charlottesville and get his education, I got to go off with him and lead a carefree young college married life, while Honey and Father felt privileged to keep you at home and begin to spoil you as they’d spoiled me. And when we decided it was time to have another child, even though your father hadn’t found the career that suited him yet, my loving parents encouraged us to come right home … there was plenty of room for everybody in that house … and I suppose it could have gone on like that for decades if Honey hadn’t got cancer and then, on top of that, Father his stroke.
“And, you know, we still thought we could make it, your father and I, if we mortgaged the house to pay the staggering medical bills, and having those round-the-clock nurses for your grandfather. It wouldn’t have been easy, but Rivers was doingreal well selling college jewelry for Balfour. I mean, it wasn’t the kind of profession I had hoped he’d have, but it suited his personality. Your daddy had more personality and charm than any man I ever met. He was just a marvelous salesman.
“But what I had never counted on—after all, he had come home without a scratch from the
war
—was one little rainy night and his car skidding on a slick road.” She put down the scissors and folded her hands tightly on top of Becky’s dress. “So there you have the story of the little girl who got her own way for thirty-two years. Recently I have been thinking … well … that it would have been better if I hadn’t had my own way quite so much. And I’ve been thinking about you, too. I know there are lots of things you don’t like about our new life, but … pardon me if I sound hard … I think you may grow up to be a better … certainly a more useful person than I am because of the very things you suffer now. You’ll have to develop strengths I never bothered to. Does that make sense?”
“You make it sound like you brought us here so we could suffer.” As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I knew they were unfair. I had said them as a defense against the bleak life she seemed to be holding up to me. Who wanted to spend the rest of their youth developing strengths from suffering? But my pride kept me from retracting them. And also something else: something about her whole penitential speech had upset me profoundly.
“Then you have misunderstood everything I have been trying to say,” she replied sadly. “Oh well”—she started ripping Becky’s wrong seam with renewed vigor—“maybe I didn’t say it well enough. I have only just barely thought it out for myself.”
Now I knew what it was that hurt
“Sooner or later I will have to train for something. I’ll have to get some practical education. But, don’t you see, my hands are tied until Jem’s in school next fall. Until then, I just have to do what I can to help Mona out, and … and take the consequences for the kind of person I have been.”
“What do you mean?” I said. “I don’t understand.”
“I’m just beginning to understand, myself,” she said in a wistful,
humble
tone I had never heard her use before. “You see, all my life, I got to do exactly as I wanted. When I chose to run off and get married rather than go to Sweet Briar, I did it. There was some fuss made, but what could they do? I was their only child and they had raised me to believe I was a law unto myself. And when your father had to go to war three months later, and I was already expecting you, I was welcomed home like the prodigal daughter. After you were born, I got to go off to Mary Washington every day and take what courses I wanted while someone looked after you at home. And I took art, and courses like ‘The History of Furniture,’ things like that. Nothing so boring as shorthand or typing or anything that would help me get a job later. Who needed a
job?
I had three people to take care of me. And then, when the war was over, and your father wanted to go off to Charlottesville and get his education, I got to go off with him and lead a carefree young college married life, while Honey and Father felt privileged to keep you at home and begin to spoil you as they’d spoiled me. And when we decided it was time to have another child, even though your father hadn’t found the career that suited him yet, my loving parents encouraged us to come right home … there was plenty of room for everybody in that house … and I suppose it could have gone on like that for decades if Honey hadn’t got cancer and then, on top of that, Father his stroke.
“And, you know, we still thought we could make it, your father and I, if we mortgaged the house to pay the staggering medical bills, and having those round-the-clock nurses for your grandfather. It wouldn’t have been easy, but Rivers was doingreal well selling college jewelry for Balfour. I mean, it wasn’t the kind of profession I had hoped he’d have, but it suited his personality. Your daddy had more personality and charm than any man I ever met. He was just a marvelous salesman.
“But what I had never counted on—after all, he had come home without a scratch from the
war
—was one little rainy night and his car skidding on a slick road.” She put down the scissors and folded her hands tightly on top of Becky’s dress. “So there you have the story of the little girl who got her own way for thirty-two years. Recently I have been thinking … well … that it would have been better if I hadn’t had my own way quite so much. And I’ve been thinking about you, too. I know there are lots of things you don’t like about our new life, but … pardon me if I sound hard … I think you may grow up to be a better … certainly a more useful person than I am because of the very things you suffer now. You’ll have to develop strengths I never bothered to. Does that make sense?”
“You make it sound like you brought us here so we could suffer.” As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I knew they were unfair. I had said them as a defense against the bleak life she seemed to be holding up to me. Who wanted to spend the rest of their youth developing strengths from suffering? But my pride kept me from retracting them. And also something else: something about her whole penitential speech had upset me profoundly.
“Then you have misunderstood everything I have been trying to say,” she replied sadly. “Oh well”—she started ripping Becky’s wrong seam with renewed vigor—“maybe I didn’t say it well enough. I have only just barely thought it out for myself.”
Now I knew what it was that hurt
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