pleasure and before I thought about it, before he could pull away, I kissed him, then walked backward across the parking lot. “So it’s a date. The party this weekend and us next weekend.” I held my breath, waiting to see if he understood what I meant.
His head dipped in acknowledgement and I breathed out, then gave him a wave as I climbed into my car. I drove away lost in thoughts of Ryan and in the feelings that swarmed over me when I thought about his hand touching my most intimate place.
How I managed to get home was anyone’s guess. The drive passed in a blur of road and houses. Ryan had originally said he didn’t want to talk about it after we had sex. I knew now that wasn’t going to be a problem. Based on what had happened between us at the garage just now, how could I discuss something I suspected was going to be too powerful to define?
*
RYAN
I was halfway home before I managed to stop thinking about wanting to be inside of Tana. Wanting her and not having her was painful. I should call off the sex agreement but damned if I could find the will especially after that encounter at the garage. I wanted to lie to myself that my reaction was simply because it had been too long since I’d had release. That was the distorted truth that would allow me to quiet the warning voice in my mind and justify what I was going to do to Tana next weekend. Maybe I wanted her because on some level she represented what I’d never had. Goodness. Purity. Hope. Or maybe I was going to have sex with her because foster dad #5 was right and I was just a self-centered, evil shit whose death would be a favor to the world. I clenched my jaw together, tired of wrestling with myself and pulled into the driveway at Mama Leena’s.
The porch was filled with neighborhood kids of all ages. Every weekend, she let the kids hang out hoping that while their parents worked, it’d keep some of them out of trouble. Casey Wallace, a teenage single mother who lived next door was leaving as I approached. When she passed close to me, I handed her some money, waving off her choked up words of gratitude. The father of her baby was in jail on the domestic violence charge he’d copped to after I’ve shown him why it was dangerous for him to hit a woman.
“Hiiii, Ryan,” Katie said from the east corner of the porch. She sat cross-legged holding a one-eared kitten Destiny had rescued. Katie was Destiny’s best friend and like my foster sister, a pain in the ass sometimes.
“Hey. Have you seen Juvante?”
“He’s talking to Mama Leena.”
The screen door flew open and Destiny came outside carrying two sodas.
“Thanks.” I took one from her hand.
“Ryan, give that back. That’s not for you.”
“Katie doesn’t mind.” I popped the tab and took a drink. “Right, Katie?”
Destiny bumped me with her shoulder and keeping her voice low said, “You better get in there.”
I handed her back the soda. Before I could reach the kitchen, I heard Juvante’s voice, raised and insistent, followed by Mama Leena’s I-don’t-believe-your-bullshit tone.
“Did you know about this?” Mama Leena asked me. She searched my face and when I didn’t answer fast enough, she wagged a wooden spoon that dropped a blob of mashed potatoes onto the linoleum. “She called me crying and carrying on. You’re going to do the right thing by her, Juvante. A man supports his child.”
“I told you it’s not mine!”
She held up her hand, shook her head, grabbed a paper towel and picked up the potato blob. Then she glared at me. “You boys think you can have sex with all these girls without consequences? I’m not talking about pregnancy alone either.” Her lips tightened. “You’re messing with these girls’ hearts every time you take something you don’t have any business taking because you know you’re not sticking around. If you’re not careful, you’ll end up creating more single mothers raising children.”
“Ma, come on. I told
His head dipped in acknowledgement and I breathed out, then gave him a wave as I climbed into my car. I drove away lost in thoughts of Ryan and in the feelings that swarmed over me when I thought about his hand touching my most intimate place.
How I managed to get home was anyone’s guess. The drive passed in a blur of road and houses. Ryan had originally said he didn’t want to talk about it after we had sex. I knew now that wasn’t going to be a problem. Based on what had happened between us at the garage just now, how could I discuss something I suspected was going to be too powerful to define?
*
RYAN
I was halfway home before I managed to stop thinking about wanting to be inside of Tana. Wanting her and not having her was painful. I should call off the sex agreement but damned if I could find the will especially after that encounter at the garage. I wanted to lie to myself that my reaction was simply because it had been too long since I’d had release. That was the distorted truth that would allow me to quiet the warning voice in my mind and justify what I was going to do to Tana next weekend. Maybe I wanted her because on some level she represented what I’d never had. Goodness. Purity. Hope. Or maybe I was going to have sex with her because foster dad #5 was right and I was just a self-centered, evil shit whose death would be a favor to the world. I clenched my jaw together, tired of wrestling with myself and pulled into the driveway at Mama Leena’s.
The porch was filled with neighborhood kids of all ages. Every weekend, she let the kids hang out hoping that while their parents worked, it’d keep some of them out of trouble. Casey Wallace, a teenage single mother who lived next door was leaving as I approached. When she passed close to me, I handed her some money, waving off her choked up words of gratitude. The father of her baby was in jail on the domestic violence charge he’d copped to after I’ve shown him why it was dangerous for him to hit a woman.
“Hiiii, Ryan,” Katie said from the east corner of the porch. She sat cross-legged holding a one-eared kitten Destiny had rescued. Katie was Destiny’s best friend and like my foster sister, a pain in the ass sometimes.
“Hey. Have you seen Juvante?”
“He’s talking to Mama Leena.”
The screen door flew open and Destiny came outside carrying two sodas.
“Thanks.” I took one from her hand.
“Ryan, give that back. That’s not for you.”
“Katie doesn’t mind.” I popped the tab and took a drink. “Right, Katie?”
Destiny bumped me with her shoulder and keeping her voice low said, “You better get in there.”
I handed her back the soda. Before I could reach the kitchen, I heard Juvante’s voice, raised and insistent, followed by Mama Leena’s I-don’t-believe-your-bullshit tone.
“Did you know about this?” Mama Leena asked me. She searched my face and when I didn’t answer fast enough, she wagged a wooden spoon that dropped a blob of mashed potatoes onto the linoleum. “She called me crying and carrying on. You’re going to do the right thing by her, Juvante. A man supports his child.”
“I told you it’s not mine!”
She held up her hand, shook her head, grabbed a paper towel and picked up the potato blob. Then she glared at me. “You boys think you can have sex with all these girls without consequences? I’m not talking about pregnancy alone either.” Her lips tightened. “You’re messing with these girls’ hearts every time you take something you don’t have any business taking because you know you’re not sticking around. If you’re not careful, you’ll end up creating more single mothers raising children.”
“Ma, come on. I told
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