can’t get rid of it! Don’t you like it?’
Ben’s eyes widened. Perhaps he was shocked that I’d spoken so effusively. Or maybe just that I’d spoken more than two words. ‘Oh, I love it, but I’ve got another copy and there’s no need for two. I read it at school and it’s haunted me ever since.’
He was echoing my thoughts and it was rare I found common ground with anyone. ‘Me too. It is the kind of novel that stays with you, isn’t it?’ As soon as I’d said this I regretted it. Feeling like an idiot, I put the book back in the box and turned away from him.
‘I would have said the same thing,’ he said, forcing me to turn back to him. And in that moment I liked this man. Not in the same way I liked Julian, nothing at all like that, but somehow Ben had put me at ease.
I thanked him and told him I had to get back to work, walking over to Sam without turning around. Behind me I could hear Ben trooping off and I felt bad that I’d ended our discussion so abruptly.
By the time I left work and began my walk home, I’d forgotten all about Ben and his donated books. Without the distraction of the library, I was once again consumed with worry over the card, photo and newspaper article. I was so used to having nothing to think about, other than what I should cook myself for dinner, or what book to read to the care home residents next, that worrying about anything else made me more uneasy than I already was.
Opening my front door, my eyes dropped to the pile of envelopes scattered on the doormat. I was about to step over them and head upstairs, when my desire for routine took over. Sweeping them up, I took them upstairs to examine.
I inhaled deeply when I checked through the letters, but they were only bills and a bank statement. I’d had no emails either so perhaps it really was over; whoever was trying to torment me had become bored and moved on.
Convincing myself things were getting back to normal, I whistled as I cooked macaroni cheese and heated up some frozen garlic bread. I thought about Julian and tried to imagine what he was doing at that moment. Probably heading home from work or meeting friends for a pint. Or he could be out with some woman from the website. I pushed away the twinge of jealousy I felt. He wasn’t mine, so I had no right to care who he was out with.
I’d forgotten to set the oven timer, so the garlic bread was burnt around the edges, but I tucked in anyway, starving after missing lunch.
I was still eating when the phone rang so I ignored it. It had to be a computerised call, a robotic voice telling me I was owed Payment Protection Insurance or something similar that I’d never taken out. It wouldn’t be Mum; we’d only spoken yesterday so there was no reason for her to call again today, even if she was always worrying about me. Anyway, if there was an emergency she would leave a message. I waited for the beep but the caller hung up. Not Mum then. She would never miss an opportunity to make me feel bad for not answering.
I washed up – there was no room for a dishwasher in my tiny kitchen – and left the plates to drain by the sink. Looking around, I decided it was a good thing Julian would only ever be in my flat on the laptop. He would never have to wonder how I could live like this, with books taking up space where there should be furniture, and hardly any modern appliances. But I made do with what I had, and preferred to spend money on my reading habit rather than flashy gadgets.
At least I had my laptop; a link to the outside world that I could control. With it I could decide whom to let into my life, and right at that moment I wanted to let Julian in. Just to get a message from him and know that he was still around in some way, would have made me feel better.
Luck seemed to be with me that evening because, as soon as I logged on, a message appeared inviting me to a chat room. I was both scared and excited; I hadn’t thought through what I would say to him.
Ben’s eyes widened. Perhaps he was shocked that I’d spoken so effusively. Or maybe just that I’d spoken more than two words. ‘Oh, I love it, but I’ve got another copy and there’s no need for two. I read it at school and it’s haunted me ever since.’
He was echoing my thoughts and it was rare I found common ground with anyone. ‘Me too. It is the kind of novel that stays with you, isn’t it?’ As soon as I’d said this I regretted it. Feeling like an idiot, I put the book back in the box and turned away from him.
‘I would have said the same thing,’ he said, forcing me to turn back to him. And in that moment I liked this man. Not in the same way I liked Julian, nothing at all like that, but somehow Ben had put me at ease.
I thanked him and told him I had to get back to work, walking over to Sam without turning around. Behind me I could hear Ben trooping off and I felt bad that I’d ended our discussion so abruptly.
By the time I left work and began my walk home, I’d forgotten all about Ben and his donated books. Without the distraction of the library, I was once again consumed with worry over the card, photo and newspaper article. I was so used to having nothing to think about, other than what I should cook myself for dinner, or what book to read to the care home residents next, that worrying about anything else made me more uneasy than I already was.
Opening my front door, my eyes dropped to the pile of envelopes scattered on the doormat. I was about to step over them and head upstairs, when my desire for routine took over. Sweeping them up, I took them upstairs to examine.
I inhaled deeply when I checked through the letters, but they were only bills and a bank statement. I’d had no emails either so perhaps it really was over; whoever was trying to torment me had become bored and moved on.
Convincing myself things were getting back to normal, I whistled as I cooked macaroni cheese and heated up some frozen garlic bread. I thought about Julian and tried to imagine what he was doing at that moment. Probably heading home from work or meeting friends for a pint. Or he could be out with some woman from the website. I pushed away the twinge of jealousy I felt. He wasn’t mine, so I had no right to care who he was out with.
I’d forgotten to set the oven timer, so the garlic bread was burnt around the edges, but I tucked in anyway, starving after missing lunch.
I was still eating when the phone rang so I ignored it. It had to be a computerised call, a robotic voice telling me I was owed Payment Protection Insurance or something similar that I’d never taken out. It wouldn’t be Mum; we’d only spoken yesterday so there was no reason for her to call again today, even if she was always worrying about me. Anyway, if there was an emergency she would leave a message. I waited for the beep but the caller hung up. Not Mum then. She would never miss an opportunity to make me feel bad for not answering.
I washed up – there was no room for a dishwasher in my tiny kitchen – and left the plates to drain by the sink. Looking around, I decided it was a good thing Julian would only ever be in my flat on the laptop. He would never have to wonder how I could live like this, with books taking up space where there should be furniture, and hardly any modern appliances. But I made do with what I had, and preferred to spend money on my reading habit rather than flashy gadgets.
At least I had my laptop; a link to the outside world that I could control. With it I could decide whom to let into my life, and right at that moment I wanted to let Julian in. Just to get a message from him and know that he was still around in some way, would have made me feel better.
Luck seemed to be with me that evening because, as soon as I logged on, a message appeared inviting me to a chat room. I was both scared and excited; I hadn’t thought through what I would say to him.
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