CHAPTER ONE
S o you know my name is Tony and I am twelve and my mother who is named Alice except nobody calls her that, they all call her Al, like she was a guy only she isnât, is a stripper, only itâs called exotic dancing, at a club called the Kitty Kat, except that everybody calls it the Zoo on account of an animal act they used to have but donât anymore because the humane society said it was wrong to use snakes out of their ânatural elementâ although Muriel, who danced with a seven-foot boa named Steve, swore that the snake slept through the whole dance except I know Steve who lives in the dressing room in a glass case and I canât tell if heâs sleeping or not because he never closes his eyes.
This is what I like.
I like double bacon cheeseburgers and vanilla shakes.
I like school where I get pretty good grades in everything except gym and sometimes math when it doesnât make any sense to me like when we have to figure out two trains traveling at different speeds and which one will get to a place called Parkerville first. There is never a place called Parkerville in real life and hardly any trains go anywhere anymore and why would two trains be trying to get to a place called Parkerville in the first place? Itâs just silly.
I like Melissa Davidson who is twelve and has short hair and sparks and crackles when she gets mad. A lot. I mean I like her a lot.
I like art and always carry a sketch pad and a couple of soft pencils and draw every chance I get, which is really how the trouble started but Iâll talk more about that later after I do what Ms. Providge the English teacher calls âdeveloping the structure and characterâ of the story. This story. This story about my life.
I like dogs except that Iâm not supposed to have one because the apartment we live in wonât allow pets which doesnât seem right because they allow a biker and his woman to live there and a dog is a lot cleaner than a biker. Or at least this biker, who is named Short Man and is so dumb he tried to drink gasoline one day just because it was in a beer bottle and he spit it out on a lit barbecue grill and there were barbecued chicken parts all over the apartment compound and I heard he didnât have a hair left on his head. I know plenty of dogs smarter than that. So I keep trying on the dog thing, doing what Al calls pushing the envelope by bringing them to visit sometimes. Or to be honest every chance I get.
I like Corvettes. I know itâs not cool to like them as much as foreign cars but I read the car magazines in the drugstore owned by Foo Won on the corner when he doesnât catch me. Corvettes, it said in one article I read, are a Greatly Underestimated Force to be Reckoned with in the Muscle Car Arena. Of course I donât have a Corvette but Al said if I want one bad enough and work hard enough I can have one someday when Iâm old enough to drive. I would like to have a good car for the muscle car arena.
I like baseball and my favorite team changes some because it started with the Braves and then went to the Padres and then the Yankees and now Iâm back to the Braves but Iâm definitely leaning back toward the Padres.
I do not like skateboards, or I should say I guess I like them but I donât skateboard anymore because I tried it once without a helmet and hit the concrete so hard I saw flashes of color from one Wednesday to Friday in the next week. I didnât dare to tell Al because she would have taken me to the doctor which she does even if Iâm a little sick and not seeing flashes of colors in my head.
I like bicycling. I have an old clunker Schwinn five-speed that looks so bad nobody will steal it except that I took it all apart and the bearings and all the internal parts are slick and new.
I like Coke, not the kind you snort up your nose like Magdalene did until Al got her into treatment and she has two years and two months
S o you know my name is Tony and I am twelve and my mother who is named Alice except nobody calls her that, they all call her Al, like she was a guy only she isnât, is a stripper, only itâs called exotic dancing, at a club called the Kitty Kat, except that everybody calls it the Zoo on account of an animal act they used to have but donât anymore because the humane society said it was wrong to use snakes out of their ânatural elementâ although Muriel, who danced with a seven-foot boa named Steve, swore that the snake slept through the whole dance except I know Steve who lives in the dressing room in a glass case and I canât tell if heâs sleeping or not because he never closes his eyes.
This is what I like.
I like double bacon cheeseburgers and vanilla shakes.
I like school where I get pretty good grades in everything except gym and sometimes math when it doesnât make any sense to me like when we have to figure out two trains traveling at different speeds and which one will get to a place called Parkerville first. There is never a place called Parkerville in real life and hardly any trains go anywhere anymore and why would two trains be trying to get to a place called Parkerville in the first place? Itâs just silly.
I like Melissa Davidson who is twelve and has short hair and sparks and crackles when she gets mad. A lot. I mean I like her a lot.
I like art and always carry a sketch pad and a couple of soft pencils and draw every chance I get, which is really how the trouble started but Iâll talk more about that later after I do what Ms. Providge the English teacher calls âdeveloping the structure and characterâ of the story. This story. This story about my life.
I like dogs except that Iâm not supposed to have one because the apartment we live in wonât allow pets which doesnât seem right because they allow a biker and his woman to live there and a dog is a lot cleaner than a biker. Or at least this biker, who is named Short Man and is so dumb he tried to drink gasoline one day just because it was in a beer bottle and he spit it out on a lit barbecue grill and there were barbecued chicken parts all over the apartment compound and I heard he didnât have a hair left on his head. I know plenty of dogs smarter than that. So I keep trying on the dog thing, doing what Al calls pushing the envelope by bringing them to visit sometimes. Or to be honest every chance I get.
I like Corvettes. I know itâs not cool to like them as much as foreign cars but I read the car magazines in the drugstore owned by Foo Won on the corner when he doesnât catch me. Corvettes, it said in one article I read, are a Greatly Underestimated Force to be Reckoned with in the Muscle Car Arena. Of course I donât have a Corvette but Al said if I want one bad enough and work hard enough I can have one someday when Iâm old enough to drive. I would like to have a good car for the muscle car arena.
I like baseball and my favorite team changes some because it started with the Braves and then went to the Padres and then the Yankees and now Iâm back to the Braves but Iâm definitely leaning back toward the Padres.
I do not like skateboards, or I should say I guess I like them but I donât skateboard anymore because I tried it once without a helmet and hit the concrete so hard I saw flashes of color from one Wednesday to Friday in the next week. I didnât dare to tell Al because she would have taken me to the doctor which she does even if Iâm a little sick and not seeing flashes of colors in my head.
I like bicycling. I have an old clunker Schwinn five-speed that looks so bad nobody will steal it except that I took it all apart and the bearings and all the internal parts are slick and new.
I like Coke, not the kind you snort up your nose like Magdalene did until Al got her into treatment and she has two years and two months
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