could see Claire with the girl listening to her, but she did not see Claire as God. She saw a snake. She saw Edna transfixed.
I am not God. Pooh. I cannot make Ednaâs fate or anybodyâs fate. I cannot make my own. I feel like a prisoner of fate myself. I havenât had a visitor for ages. Of course, without a telephone one is terribly cut off. People have lost the habit of writing notes, although I am certainly getting the habit. Quite a few pages of notes here. Get on with it; perhaps it will come to something.
Claire enjoyed biology lab. She cut open her frog and watched its heart beat. That was what she was doing with Edna now. She had made the first incision already.
Edna has permitted herself to daydream about the trip to France. I can tell.
Ednaâs eyes would be fixed, seeing the far bright horizon of France and not the floor she was scrubbing, the dishes she was washing. She would touch hard things as if they were soft. But that stage would end. It is dangerous to allow yourself to want something too much, to brood over it constantly, if it hasnât the least grain of possibility. Pretty soon the daydream would need some reinforcing. She would ask Claire directly. âThere!â Marjorie said, reading the next line. âHere it comes.â
Edna asked me if I really was thinking of going to France. A sharp prickling of perspiration tickled my armpit. I noticed that. I said airily, âI really am thinking of it, Edna. Why shouldnât I go if I want to, but you canât go unless you get rid of Andy first.â
She didnât say, âOh.â It didnât sound like an âoh.â It was a grunt, an exclamation. I know, it sounded as if I had knocked the air out of her; that was the sound she made when I said she couldnât go to France unless she got shet of Andy first.
It took a certain amount of time for her to be able to speak again. Then she said, very softly, âBut if Iâhow about if I left Andrew, Mrs. Carter. Mrs. Carter, if I just left Andy.â
âYou couldnât just leave Andy,â I said.
Marjorie knew, even before she read on, what would happen. Claire had made outrageous suggestions before which people rejected, but then they kept coming back, wanting to talk about it. Edna had told Claire she wouldnât leave Andy, but she wouldnât let it drop. She would come prepared with excuses to talk about it.
âIâve done my best for Andy, Mrs. Carter,â Edna would say. âNobody can say I havenât done my best for Andy.â
Claire would agree. âPerhaps youâve done too well for Andy. You could leave him, Edna, but Iâm sure he wouldnât leave you.â
âBut if I went on a big boat? How could Andy follow me on a big boat?â
Claire would bowl over the excuses. Claire would push through the subterfuges. She would say that she was anxious to do things for Edna, but not for Ednaâs hubsand. Marjorie knew how reasonable Claire would sound. It would be impractical, she would say. Why should she help Edna, educate her, give her a foreign polishâa foreign shine!âso Andy could rub it off? Edna would want to come back to the States to work for her people. Back sheâd come and back would come bad penny arolling. Claire would insist that Andy would bitch everything up even if Edna got a divorce.
Edna wouldnât want a divorce. Claire would know that. Claire knew perfectly well that Edna wouldnât shame her people by getting up in court and telling a white judge that Andrew gave her a black eye or took her money and guzzled it. Even if Edna could bring herself to divorce her husband, Claire would say divorce wasnât final enough.
Claire had offered heaven to the girl and then taken it back. Edna would droop without her beautiful dream, but what could she do? If Claire refused to accept her promises to be shet of Andy as legal tender, then Edna was bankrupt.
Tuesday:
I am not God. Pooh. I cannot make Ednaâs fate or anybodyâs fate. I cannot make my own. I feel like a prisoner of fate myself. I havenât had a visitor for ages. Of course, without a telephone one is terribly cut off. People have lost the habit of writing notes, although I am certainly getting the habit. Quite a few pages of notes here. Get on with it; perhaps it will come to something.
Claire enjoyed biology lab. She cut open her frog and watched its heart beat. That was what she was doing with Edna now. She had made the first incision already.
Edna has permitted herself to daydream about the trip to France. I can tell.
Ednaâs eyes would be fixed, seeing the far bright horizon of France and not the floor she was scrubbing, the dishes she was washing. She would touch hard things as if they were soft. But that stage would end. It is dangerous to allow yourself to want something too much, to brood over it constantly, if it hasnât the least grain of possibility. Pretty soon the daydream would need some reinforcing. She would ask Claire directly. âThere!â Marjorie said, reading the next line. âHere it comes.â
Edna asked me if I really was thinking of going to France. A sharp prickling of perspiration tickled my armpit. I noticed that. I said airily, âI really am thinking of it, Edna. Why shouldnât I go if I want to, but you canât go unless you get rid of Andy first.â
She didnât say, âOh.â It didnât sound like an âoh.â It was a grunt, an exclamation. I know, it sounded as if I had knocked the air out of her; that was the sound she made when I said she couldnât go to France unless she got shet of Andy first.
It took a certain amount of time for her to be able to speak again. Then she said, very softly, âBut if Iâhow about if I left Andrew, Mrs. Carter. Mrs. Carter, if I just left Andy.â
âYou couldnât just leave Andy,â I said.
Marjorie knew, even before she read on, what would happen. Claire had made outrageous suggestions before which people rejected, but then they kept coming back, wanting to talk about it. Edna had told Claire she wouldnât leave Andy, but she wouldnât let it drop. She would come prepared with excuses to talk about it.
âIâve done my best for Andy, Mrs. Carter,â Edna would say. âNobody can say I havenât done my best for Andy.â
Claire would agree. âPerhaps youâve done too well for Andy. You could leave him, Edna, but Iâm sure he wouldnât leave you.â
âBut if I went on a big boat? How could Andy follow me on a big boat?â
Claire would bowl over the excuses. Claire would push through the subterfuges. She would say that she was anxious to do things for Edna, but not for Ednaâs hubsand. Marjorie knew how reasonable Claire would sound. It would be impractical, she would say. Why should she help Edna, educate her, give her a foreign polishâa foreign shine!âso Andy could rub it off? Edna would want to come back to the States to work for her people. Back sheâd come and back would come bad penny arolling. Claire would insist that Andy would bitch everything up even if Edna got a divorce.
Edna wouldnât want a divorce. Claire would know that. Claire knew perfectly well that Edna wouldnât shame her people by getting up in court and telling a white judge that Andrew gave her a black eye or took her money and guzzled it. Even if Edna could bring herself to divorce her husband, Claire would say divorce wasnât final enough.
Claire had offered heaven to the girl and then taken it back. Edna would droop without her beautiful dream, but what could she do? If Claire refused to accept her promises to be shet of Andy as legal tender, then Edna was bankrupt.
Tuesday:
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