The Institute by Kayla Howarth Page B

on our hands, I run one of my free fingers over the
leather strap he wears around his wrist. The detail is so
intricate; interwoven strands of leather, upon more strands, yet
it’s so subtle you really have to look closely to see it. He pulls
his hand away and wraps his arm around my waist. I run my hand up
his arm and across to his chest as he pulls me in close.
    This is
it , I think to myself. I no longer have to wonder if he is ever
going to kiss me because as he pulls me closer to him, he doesn’t
stop until our lips meet. My first kiss. It is romantic, it’s
sending shivers down my spine and it makes me want more.
    He cradles my
head as he lays me down on the grass. His hand starts in my hair
but it slowly makes its way down my side and rests on my hip. As he
brings it around to my front, I can feel his hand playing with the
hem of my shirt and as he starts sliding it upwards, I’m suddenly
really nervous about where his hand is heading. I’m too distracted
now worrying about what he is doing to be really invested in the
kiss.
    “Are you okay?”
he asks as he pulls his lips away.
    “Uh huh.” I
can’t really construct sentences right now.
    He has moved
his lips onto my neck and is kissing me along my neckline. It feels
incredible but I’m too self-conscious to enjoy it the way I should.
I can feel myself breathing heavily, I try to tell myself to
breathe normally but the more I try and force it, the heavier it
gets. I want to hide, just put my hands over my face and hide. It’s
not only embarrassing, it’s awkward and embarrassing.
    “Are you sure?”
I can hear that he is also breathless. He doesn’t give me time to
answer before he’s kissing me again. He pulls his hand out of my
shirt and places it back on my hip, pulling me onto my side and
against his body. I’m starting to feel really hot and it feels like
I’m burning up. As his hand slides down and reaches the button of
my jeans, my automatic reflex is to stop him.
    “I’m sorry. I …
I …” I stutter. I have no idea what to say. I don’t know how to
tell him I’m not ready for this. This is moving way too fast. It’s
embarrassing enough that until five minutes ago, I hadn’t even
kissed a guy. I don’t know how to tell him I have no idea what I’m
doing or that it’s too quick. I still don’t even really know
him.
    It would be
easy for me to let this happen, to hope that it will make me forget
about everything but I can’t let myself think like that. I don’t
want to have an excuse to have sex, I just want it to be right and
to want it … but I do want it … just, not now, not yet.
    “You don’t want
to do this?” he asks breathlessly.
    I shake my head
sheepishly but don’t offer up an explanation. I want to, but the
words don’t come, I don’t know what I am meant to say.
    “Right, then
you know what that means right?” he says as he stands and helps
pull me up from the ground.
    “What?” Is he
going to break up with me? When we’ve barely got together?
    “It means you
have to go into the lake!” He picks me up and throws me over his
shoulder again and starts running for the water, at which point I
start freaking out for a different reason. The laughing and
playfulness that was in my voice when he carried me down here is
gone, and shrill, scared cries have replaced them.
    “No! Stop,
please!” I can hear the pleading in my screams. He puts me down
before we reach the water and I just collapse into a heap on the
ground.
    “Are you okay?
What’s wrong? What just happened?” he sounds genuinely worried.
    “I’m sorry, I
should have told you. I’m terrified of the water, well not the
water – I’m terrified of drowning.” My voice is shaky at best, I
hope he can understand the words that are being spoken between all
the gasping for air. “Even when I would go swimming at Ebbodine’s
house, I would never put my head under the water, I’d just kind of
float around. The thought of you possibly throwing me in