The Kruton Interface by John Dechancie

sir.”  
    “What?”  
    “Vahn-ker. My name.”  
    “Right, sorry about that.”
    Captain Wanker was nettled, but could hardly complain. Dickover had known him for years and had never learned to pronounce the name correctly. Or refused to (which was more probable).
    “I think the ship needs a challenging assignment,” Wanker ventured.
    “That scow needs to be sent to the scrap heap!” Dickover said acidly. “Along with that crew of yours. Screw-ups, every man jack and jill of ‘em.”
    “Yes, sir. Sir, I’ve been meaning to ask about that. How could so many foul-balls end up on the same ship?”
    Dickover replied, “In any organization you essentially have two options for dealing with incompetence. You isolate it, or spread it out. I myself favor the second method.”
    “I see.”
    “Incompetence is sort of like manure,” the admiral said with a sardonic smile. “All together in one clump, it’s poison. Spread out and allowed to percolate into things, the stuff might do some good, serving as a cautionary example as you deal with it case by case.” Dickover leaned back and folded his arms. “The Department of Personnel, though, favors the other remedy. At least they have up till now. For years they’ve been funneling all the flakes and foul-ups in the Space Forces into the Repulse. The result is the ship’s sorry record.”
    “I see. But, Admiral, why did—?”
    “Then Personnel came up with a bright idea,”
    Dickover went on, falling into his annoying habit of dominating a conversation. “The idea was to assign a skipper who could whip that tub into shape.” The admiral lunged forward and pounded his desk. “A real hard-nosed, ball-busting, give-’em-hell kind of a skipper!”
    Wanker swelled. “And that was why I was—?”
    “And the upshot of that was three ruined officers. Two in the bouncy cubicle and one with a slit gullet!” Dickover dragged his forefinger across his throat and made a horrid sound.
    “I see.” Wanker’s shoulders slumped.
    “And then they threw in the towel and gave you the job. I guess the theory was the blind leading the blind. Or to shift the metaphor a little bit, a manure-processor instead of a ball-buster.” Dickover cackled.
    “Very witty comment, sir. Clever.”
    “Thanks, just kidding. Listen, Wanker—”
    “Vahn-ker!”
    “Wonker, whatever. Listen up—”  
    “Sir, I don’t understand one thing.” Wanker thought it was his turn to interrupt.  
    “What’s that?”
    “If this ship is a hopeless case and so am I, why have we been chosen for this supposedly important mission?”
    “You’ll understand when you open your sealed orders. I can only refer to the orders indirectly even over this secured channel, but suffice it to say that the basic mission of the Repulse will be changed. It’ll be devoted exclusively to testing.”
    “Testing?”
    Dickover nodded. “New hardware, procedures, weapons systems. That sort of thing.”
    Wanker was taken aback. “My ship … you’re going to take it and turn it into a … a test bench? A target drone?”
    Dickover nodded again. “Yup, that’s about the size of it. Have any problem with that?”
    “But, sir, the crew, how can they—?”
    “Forget the crew. When you get your orders, you’ll proceed immediately to your assigned destination. Most of your people are dirtside, correct?”
    “Yes, sir. Shore leave.”
    “On Epsilon Indi Four? That’s a laugh. Anyway, you’ll leave them on the planet.”
    Wanker couldn’t believe it. “L-leave them, sir?”
    Dickover put a hand to his ear in feigned concern. “Is there some interference on this channel? Hello, hello?”
    Wanker gave a tiny groan. “No interference, sir.”
    “Good. Yes, I said, leave them. Keep any and all security personnel aboard, but shuttle down any remaining enlisted men and women. They’ll all be given new assignments. Keep your department heads. I don’t know what good they’ll be, but you’ll need someone to look