The Last Testament: A Memoir by God, David Javerbaum

thousands of boorish sophists may scurry to their Last Testaments and discover for themselves the epic majesty of both my words, and their fail.)
7 It did not help Esau’s cause that he was an unusually stiff, by-the-scroll kind of fellow; for this made him the perfect butt for his younger brother’s pranks.
8 Countless were the times in their childhood I would check in on them, to find Jacob giggling and running away; and Esau with his leg stuck in a pot, or his head dripping with porridge, or his tunic covered in camel droppings, shaking his fist and yelling, “Ja-cooooooooobbbb!”
9 Verily, compared to most of Jacob’s mischief the birthright exchange was a simple affair, taking all of five seconds: Esau came back from a long day of hunting, saw Jacob eating a bowl of lentils, and said, “I swear to God I’d trade my birthright for some of that right now”; to which Jacob replied, “Done!” and that was that.
10 For heed me: whenever my name is invoked as a surety for an earthly pledge; whenever I become, as it were, spiritual collateral; I note it, and hold the speaker to his or her end of the bargain, with no exceptions.
11 This is true for all humanity; all humanity.
12 (I am looking at thee, Susan Moskowitz of Great Neck, New York.
13 For just now in the girls’ locker room I heard thee speak thusly unto your BFF, Marissa: “I swear to God if Joey asks Paulette to Beth’s party I’m going to kill her!”
14 Lo, I will hold thee to that, Susan.
15 If Joey asks Paulette to Beth’s party . . . thou must kill her.)
16 As for Jacob’s other great ruse, the switching of the blessing of the firstborn, that is a long story; it takes up all of Genesis 27, though I must admit any astute reader can see where it’s going from verse 4.
17 The comically senile Isaac sends Esau out to prepare the food for the blessing; while he is away Rebekah prepares the food herself, and dresses her beloved son Jacob up in goatskin to simulate Esau’s hairiness; Isaac gets suspicious, and almost figures it out, but then feels his son’s “beard” . . .
18 The whole thing playeth like an episode of Three’s Company; and not a good one, either; a later one, from the post–Suzanne Somers era.
19 Esau was furious with Jacob; so Jacob ran away and made for the dwelling of his Uncle Laban; and one night on the road thereto, I sent him the famous vision of Jacob’s ladder.
20 He dreamt of a ladder reaching to heaven, with angels ascending and descending, and me at the top; and, as I had his grandfather, I promised to bequeath to his descendants the Promised Land; and, as I had his grandfather, I promised to make his seed as numerous as the dust of the earth;
21 And, as I had his grandfather, I ended the dream with that plastic spider bit.
22 But it did not work on Jacob; he was far too savvy; in fact in all his 147 years I never “gotst” Jacob; not one time.
23 Yea, Jacob took no crap from me.

CHAPTER 20
1 J acob eventually made it to his Uncle Laban’s house, where, I am pleased to report, there were two young, nubile first cousins waiting for him to marry.

2 Laban was a colorful character; in Genesis, I write of how he held Jacob in indentured servitude for 20 years, and how Jacob ultimately swindled him out of most of his cattle; but I left out how he was constantly—and I mean constantly —begging me to let him be a patriarch.
3 For Laban knew of my covenant with Jacob, and was keenly jealous; and hardly a day passed when he would not sneak away, look up at the sky to where he presumed I was, and say, “Hey, God, make me a patriarch.
4 Patriarch me up, buddy.
5 C’mon.
6 What, thou’rt telling me Jacob is a patriarch? Thou’rt gonna look me in the eye and tell me Jacob is more suitable patriarch material than me?
7 Guy’s a putz!
8 Lo, I say that with all due respect; kid’s my son-in-law twice over; but he’s out of control.
9 Verily, thou wantest a loose cannon running your Promised Land?
10 Fuhgetthaboutit.
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