and let me come up for a visit. Your letters are great, but nothing like seeing you in person
.
Seeing her in person was still the last thing Jenny wanted Richard to do. It was more than vanity on her part. It went beyond her not wanting him to see her looking sick and ugly. She couldn’t even explain it to herself, but she knew that Richard represented a world she might never know again. Just seeing him, and facing completely the loss of that world of beauty and innocence, of wellness and wholeness, would be more than she could bear.
I’m a coward
, she told herself, but it didn’t make any difference.
One afternoon, when Mrs. Kelly was preparing to return Jenny to her private room after a radiation treatment, the nurse told her, “Men are working on the private elevator today, so we’ll have to take the regular one. I hope you won’t be too uncomfortable.”
Jenny touched the scarf on her head, hoping it was covering all of her bald head, and nodded nervously. She wasn’t crazy about the way her grandmother and Mrs. Kelly treated her like a pampered princess, but she didn’t care much for mingling with the healthy world either. “It’ll be fine,” Jenny said.
The public elevator was crowed with visitors,nurses, orderlies, and technicians. Jenny felt self-conscious sitting in her wheelchair among them. Mrs. Kelly shielded the chair deftly to keep Jenny from being buffeted, but every time the door slid open, she caught glimpses of other floors, other areas of the hospital.
She recalled how large the hospital had seemed to her the first time she’d seen it, and realized that except for her room on a special floor, the chemo treatment room, the Radiation Department, and a few hallways, she’d never toured the inside of the place.
Again, the elevator door slid open, and someone from the hall yelled, “Hold the door, I’m coming!” The remaining people in the elevator waited patiently for the person who’d shouted, and Jenny gazed with interest out into the hallway. The walls were gaily painted with a circus theme, and the floor bustled with activity. A parade of kids of all shapes, sizes, and ages passed in front of the elevator door. Many of the children were bald, some were on crutches, others rolled their own wheelchairs.
Startled, Jenny stared out at them. She saw a girl who looked to be her age and could scarcely believe it. “Where are we?” she asked Mrs. Kelly.
“Pediatric oncology,” Mrs. Kelly replied. “Remember, Boston Children’s Hospital is one of the foremost treatment centers in the country, so many physicians send their patients here.”
Intellectually, Jenny had known that, but now, seeing others, the message began to sink in.
They’re just like me!
she thought.
We’re all alike. We’re all sick
.
The next morning, when her grandmother came to visit, Jenny told her about what she’d seen.
“Of course, my dear,” Grandmother said with anindulgent smile. “I made certain that you had the latest, newest technology available.”
“But there looked to be so many others. I—I didn’t think about it before now, but I’m not alone.”
Grandmother looked puzzled. “Certainly you’re not alone. You have Mrs. Kelly and me. Isn’t one of us always here for you?”
How could her grandmother be missing the point? Jenny wondered. “How come I’ve never run into other kids during my treatments?”
“Because I’ve arranged for you to have total privacy.” Jenny stared at her, dumbstruck. “That’s what you wanted, isn’t it? To be alone?”
Was it? Jenny asked herself. Was total isolation what she really wanted? “Maybe. Maybe not.”
“Whatever you want, I’ll try and get it for you.” Grandmother tidied the bedcovers as she spoke.
“How about a rope ladder to the ground below?”
“It’s good to see you feeling better.” Grandmother smiled and kissed Jenny’s forehead. “Can I get you something before I leave?”
Jenny said no, and once her grandmother
.
Seeing her in person was still the last thing Jenny wanted Richard to do. It was more than vanity on her part. It went beyond her not wanting him to see her looking sick and ugly. She couldn’t even explain it to herself, but she knew that Richard represented a world she might never know again. Just seeing him, and facing completely the loss of that world of beauty and innocence, of wellness and wholeness, would be more than she could bear.
I’m a coward
, she told herself, but it didn’t make any difference.
One afternoon, when Mrs. Kelly was preparing to return Jenny to her private room after a radiation treatment, the nurse told her, “Men are working on the private elevator today, so we’ll have to take the regular one. I hope you won’t be too uncomfortable.”
Jenny touched the scarf on her head, hoping it was covering all of her bald head, and nodded nervously. She wasn’t crazy about the way her grandmother and Mrs. Kelly treated her like a pampered princess, but she didn’t care much for mingling with the healthy world either. “It’ll be fine,” Jenny said.
The public elevator was crowed with visitors,nurses, orderlies, and technicians. Jenny felt self-conscious sitting in her wheelchair among them. Mrs. Kelly shielded the chair deftly to keep Jenny from being buffeted, but every time the door slid open, she caught glimpses of other floors, other areas of the hospital.
She recalled how large the hospital had seemed to her the first time she’d seen it, and realized that except for her room on a special floor, the chemo treatment room, the Radiation Department, and a few hallways, she’d never toured the inside of the place.
Again, the elevator door slid open, and someone from the hall yelled, “Hold the door, I’m coming!” The remaining people in the elevator waited patiently for the person who’d shouted, and Jenny gazed with interest out into the hallway. The walls were gaily painted with a circus theme, and the floor bustled with activity. A parade of kids of all shapes, sizes, and ages passed in front of the elevator door. Many of the children were bald, some were on crutches, others rolled their own wheelchairs.
Startled, Jenny stared out at them. She saw a girl who looked to be her age and could scarcely believe it. “Where are we?” she asked Mrs. Kelly.
“Pediatric oncology,” Mrs. Kelly replied. “Remember, Boston Children’s Hospital is one of the foremost treatment centers in the country, so many physicians send their patients here.”
Intellectually, Jenny had known that, but now, seeing others, the message began to sink in.
They’re just like me!
she thought.
We’re all alike. We’re all sick
.
The next morning, when her grandmother came to visit, Jenny told her about what she’d seen.
“Of course, my dear,” Grandmother said with anindulgent smile. “I made certain that you had the latest, newest technology available.”
“But there looked to be so many others. I—I didn’t think about it before now, but I’m not alone.”
Grandmother looked puzzled. “Certainly you’re not alone. You have Mrs. Kelly and me. Isn’t one of us always here for you?”
How could her grandmother be missing the point? Jenny wondered. “How come I’ve never run into other kids during my treatments?”
“Because I’ve arranged for you to have total privacy.” Jenny stared at her, dumbstruck. “That’s what you wanted, isn’t it? To be alone?”
Was it? Jenny asked herself. Was total isolation what she really wanted? “Maybe. Maybe not.”
“Whatever you want, I’ll try and get it for you.” Grandmother tidied the bedcovers as she spoke.
“How about a rope ladder to the ground below?”
“It’s good to see you feeling better.” Grandmother smiled and kissed Jenny’s forehead. “Can I get you something before I leave?”
Jenny said no, and once her grandmother
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