about the 'fabric of the universe' being pulled back and shit like that. I guess . . ." John shrugged. "I thought maybe something was going to come of that, that something was going to happen. Something big. A chance to count. But it looks like that's passed."
Gabriel kept gripping the gun tight and then letting loose.
Regent could see the muscles in Gabe's arm tense and relax. "I don't have any answers, Corporal. I know I pretend like I do sometimes. I want folks to feel like they can make it. But I'm just going a day at a time."
Gabriel wiped his eyes on his short sleeves. He sniffed. "There's nothing left for me, Cap."
"Yes, there is."
"No." Gabriel shook his head. "There isn't. I fucked it all up."
"Can I see?" John held out his hand—his shriveled, shaking left hand—towards the folded paper. It was a gesture.
Gabe looked at the mangled, atrophied arm. It was hard to say no. Regent reached and Gabe let go of his most valuable possession.
John unfolded it: a black and white print out, a computer-generated render of Gabe's daughter in the womb. It wasn't very clear, but you could definitely see tiny hands pressed to a face as if in prayer.
Regent set it flat on the counter facing the corporal. "Then what's this?"
"I want to be there for her, Cap." Gabriel ran the barrel of the gun over his forehead as if scratching an itch. He was sweating. "I really do."
John waited for a moment. "But?"
Gabe shrugged. "Maybe this is the best way."
The captain nodded. He had been right. A wounded vet with PTSD shoots himself under the army's watch, odds are they pay out. Now Esme and the baby have some money and—in Gabriel's head anyway—no dead weight holding them down. John knew the feeling. He nodded to the picture. "This what she wants? Or what you want?"
"I'm just gonna fuck it up. Before, you know, the baby was just this thing that was gonna happen. But now," Gabriel didn't take his eyes off the print out, "there's a picture and everything. Here she is. For real. Mi frijolita."
Regent didn't have kids, but he saw what his sister went through, especially after her husband left. John watched Gabriel's mouth turn into a frown. Here it comes, he thought.
"Shit, I just love her so much." The corporal slurped his words between tears and rasping breaths. His lips quivered. He put his hand on the paper. He ran a finger along the blurred trace of a face. "Isn't that crazy? She hasn't even been born yet . . . and I just love her so much ." His eyes clenched in tears. He began to sob. "I want her to have everything. The best. And that ain't me, Cap." He sniffed. "You know, if Esme has some money, she can get outta here, ya know, meet someone. People get remarried all the time. She can find our girl a good dad."
John watched tears fall, one after the next. He could feel his own tears well. He had plenty of reasons to cry. But this wasn't about him. He spoke softly. "She's already got a good dad."
"No." Gabriel got angry. "I can't do shit."
"That's not tru--"
"Everything I do is shit!"
"Corp--"
"Naw, man! Naw. I fucked it all up. Everything. Me and Esme had it good. I fucked that up. I fuck everything up. My unit. My fucking leg. Everything. I killed all those guys 'cuz I'm a moron. They're dead, Cap."
"That's your dad talking."
"Maybe he's right! You ever think about that? I mean, look at what I do. I keep trying real hard but only I make everything worse . He saw it. He was right about me."
Gabe had told John about his father and what the man had done and said. It had only stopped when Gabe's dad abandoned his family shortly before Gabe's fifteenth birthday, right about the time the boy was getting big enough to fight back.
John listened as his friend parroted an asshole. He could hear his stepmom echoed in the words.
Gabriel slurped again. "Esme chose me, you know, and--and I love her for it, but I fucked that up too, and now she's gone. But this little girl doesn't know."
"Stop."
"She can't choose for herself.
Gabriel kept gripping the gun tight and then letting loose.
Regent could see the muscles in Gabe's arm tense and relax. "I don't have any answers, Corporal. I know I pretend like I do sometimes. I want folks to feel like they can make it. But I'm just going a day at a time."
Gabriel wiped his eyes on his short sleeves. He sniffed. "There's nothing left for me, Cap."
"Yes, there is."
"No." Gabriel shook his head. "There isn't. I fucked it all up."
"Can I see?" John held out his hand—his shriveled, shaking left hand—towards the folded paper. It was a gesture.
Gabe looked at the mangled, atrophied arm. It was hard to say no. Regent reached and Gabe let go of his most valuable possession.
John unfolded it: a black and white print out, a computer-generated render of Gabe's daughter in the womb. It wasn't very clear, but you could definitely see tiny hands pressed to a face as if in prayer.
Regent set it flat on the counter facing the corporal. "Then what's this?"
"I want to be there for her, Cap." Gabriel ran the barrel of the gun over his forehead as if scratching an itch. He was sweating. "I really do."
John waited for a moment. "But?"
Gabe shrugged. "Maybe this is the best way."
The captain nodded. He had been right. A wounded vet with PTSD shoots himself under the army's watch, odds are they pay out. Now Esme and the baby have some money and—in Gabriel's head anyway—no dead weight holding them down. John knew the feeling. He nodded to the picture. "This what she wants? Or what you want?"
"I'm just gonna fuck it up. Before, you know, the baby was just this thing that was gonna happen. But now," Gabriel didn't take his eyes off the print out, "there's a picture and everything. Here she is. For real. Mi frijolita."
Regent didn't have kids, but he saw what his sister went through, especially after her husband left. John watched Gabriel's mouth turn into a frown. Here it comes, he thought.
"Shit, I just love her so much." The corporal slurped his words between tears and rasping breaths. His lips quivered. He put his hand on the paper. He ran a finger along the blurred trace of a face. "Isn't that crazy? She hasn't even been born yet . . . and I just love her so much ." His eyes clenched in tears. He began to sob. "I want her to have everything. The best. And that ain't me, Cap." He sniffed. "You know, if Esme has some money, she can get outta here, ya know, meet someone. People get remarried all the time. She can find our girl a good dad."
John watched tears fall, one after the next. He could feel his own tears well. He had plenty of reasons to cry. But this wasn't about him. He spoke softly. "She's already got a good dad."
"No." Gabriel got angry. "I can't do shit."
"That's not tru--"
"Everything I do is shit!"
"Corp--"
"Naw, man! Naw. I fucked it all up. Everything. Me and Esme had it good. I fucked that up. I fuck everything up. My unit. My fucking leg. Everything. I killed all those guys 'cuz I'm a moron. They're dead, Cap."
"That's your dad talking."
"Maybe he's right! You ever think about that? I mean, look at what I do. I keep trying real hard but only I make everything worse . He saw it. He was right about me."
Gabe had told John about his father and what the man had done and said. It had only stopped when Gabe's dad abandoned his family shortly before Gabe's fifteenth birthday, right about the time the boy was getting big enough to fight back.
John listened as his friend parroted an asshole. He could hear his stepmom echoed in the words.
Gabriel slurped again. "Esme chose me, you know, and--and I love her for it, but I fucked that up too, and now she's gone. But this little girl doesn't know."
"Stop."
"She can't choose for herself.
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