The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton, Janet W. Hardy
Authors: Dossie Easton, Janet W. Hardy
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Everybody has needs, wants and limits. If you’re new at this, you may discover some of yours by tripping over them – by doing a scene and discovering that you feel just awful, either because of something you did that you shouldn’t have, or because of something you didn’t do that you should have. But even if you’re an old hand, your limits may change over time: Janet spent years with a strong limit around breaking skin during play, but then discovered play piercing and started sticking needles into her friends every chance she gets.
Y OU A RE R ESPONSIBLE FOR F OLLOWING T HROUGH O N Y OUR P ROMISES . When your play date is coming up, you may hear a chorus of “yahbut” voices in your head – “Yah, but I’m not feeling toppy.” “Yah, but I didn’t get a good night’s sleep last night.” “Yah, but I’ve got a lot to do afterwards and I don’t want to tire myself out.” “Yah, but what if I fuck up?” While we understand that pre-scene nervousness (which is often the part of you that’s literally “scared of your own shadow” – see Chapter 15) can be daunting, bottoms are driven insane by tops who promise playdates and don’t follow through; this sort of approach/avoidance behavior is unfair and irresponsible.
If you’re feeling like you want to cancel or no-show on a playdate, please don’t, unless your reasons are excellent. Go, and use some of the suggestions you’ll read in Chapter 9 to help yourself get turned on and into top space. We don’t think you’ll regret it.
Y OU A RE R ESPONSIBLE FOR Y OUR O WN AND Y OUR P ARTNER’S P HYSICAL S AFETY . Your bottom may or may not be able to tell you if something you’re doing is causing physical harm. She may be so high on endorphins that he simply can’t tell what’s happening, or may have gotten non-verbal and forgotten how to communicate. If you’re not sure whether or not your bottom is able to communicate, you’ll have to take the responsibility for initiating the communication. Questions like “How are your hands feeling” or “Some of these strokes seem to be causing some bruises; is that OK” or “Are you getting dizzy” are perfectly all right, and if your bottom doesn’t want to answer them, you should probably order her to.
Janet did a scene once where her top did a good job of taking care of her physical safety:
We were at a costume party where I was wearing a dress made out of imitation chain mail with nothing underneath – so I’d been sitting on a rough surface all night. I got naked, and my friend started spanking me with his hand, then with a hairbrush. I was having a swell time and could happily have gone on all night… but suddenly he stopped, said, “I think you’re losing some hide here,” and ended the scene (against my vociferous protests). But sure enough, when I got home that evening, one cheek of my ass bore a large raw blister that took several weeks of cleaning and bandaging to heal properly. If my friend had kept on going as I demanded, the combination of the rough chain mail and the heavy spanking might have done serious damage to my skin – and I’d never have known it until it was too late.
Sobriety is also important. While different players’ standards vary – some folks feel OK about very light use of intoxicants in scene, while others do not – it is certain that if you are too stoned or drunk to drive a car or go to work, you should not be playing. We urge extreme conservatism in the use of intoxicants during any kind of sex, and most especially during BDSM: there is probably nothing you do that demands better judgment and emotional balance, and using chemicals to impair those qualities strikes us as a very bad idea. Besides, why on earth would you want to blur such a wonderful experience?
Safer sex is a subset of physical safety. Part of safeguarding your bottom’s, and your own, physical well-being is making sure that neither of you takes anything away from the session
Everybody has needs, wants and limits. If you’re new at this, you may discover some of yours by tripping over them – by doing a scene and discovering that you feel just awful, either because of something you did that you shouldn’t have, or because of something you didn’t do that you should have. But even if you’re an old hand, your limits may change over time: Janet spent years with a strong limit around breaking skin during play, but then discovered play piercing and started sticking needles into her friends every chance she gets.
Y OU A RE R ESPONSIBLE FOR F OLLOWING T HROUGH O N Y OUR P ROMISES . When your play date is coming up, you may hear a chorus of “yahbut” voices in your head – “Yah, but I’m not feeling toppy.” “Yah, but I didn’t get a good night’s sleep last night.” “Yah, but I’ve got a lot to do afterwards and I don’t want to tire myself out.” “Yah, but what if I fuck up?” While we understand that pre-scene nervousness (which is often the part of you that’s literally “scared of your own shadow” – see Chapter 15) can be daunting, bottoms are driven insane by tops who promise playdates and don’t follow through; this sort of approach/avoidance behavior is unfair and irresponsible.
If you’re feeling like you want to cancel or no-show on a playdate, please don’t, unless your reasons are excellent. Go, and use some of the suggestions you’ll read in Chapter 9 to help yourself get turned on and into top space. We don’t think you’ll regret it.
Y OU A RE R ESPONSIBLE FOR Y OUR O WN AND Y OUR P ARTNER’S P HYSICAL S AFETY . Your bottom may or may not be able to tell you if something you’re doing is causing physical harm. She may be so high on endorphins that he simply can’t tell what’s happening, or may have gotten non-verbal and forgotten how to communicate. If you’re not sure whether or not your bottom is able to communicate, you’ll have to take the responsibility for initiating the communication. Questions like “How are your hands feeling” or “Some of these strokes seem to be causing some bruises; is that OK” or “Are you getting dizzy” are perfectly all right, and if your bottom doesn’t want to answer them, you should probably order her to.
Janet did a scene once where her top did a good job of taking care of her physical safety:
We were at a costume party where I was wearing a dress made out of imitation chain mail with nothing underneath – so I’d been sitting on a rough surface all night. I got naked, and my friend started spanking me with his hand, then with a hairbrush. I was having a swell time and could happily have gone on all night… but suddenly he stopped, said, “I think you’re losing some hide here,” and ended the scene (against my vociferous protests). But sure enough, when I got home that evening, one cheek of my ass bore a large raw blister that took several weeks of cleaning and bandaging to heal properly. If my friend had kept on going as I demanded, the combination of the rough chain mail and the heavy spanking might have done serious damage to my skin – and I’d never have known it until it was too late.
Sobriety is also important. While different players’ standards vary – some folks feel OK about very light use of intoxicants in scene, while others do not – it is certain that if you are too stoned or drunk to drive a car or go to work, you should not be playing. We urge extreme conservatism in the use of intoxicants during any kind of sex, and most especially during BDSM: there is probably nothing you do that demands better judgment and emotional balance, and using chemicals to impair those qualities strikes us as a very bad idea. Besides, why on earth would you want to blur such a wonderful experience?
Safer sex is a subset of physical safety. Part of safeguarding your bottom’s, and your own, physical well-being is making sure that neither of you takes anything away from the session
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