am.”
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
“That’s fine, Susan. But I’m going to say this to you, and you hear me. You hear me, Susan. Don’t ever talk about the man I love that way again. You understand me?”
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Harry’s been everything kind and good to me and the kids. And I can see how good he is for you. I’m sorry. But . . .”
“We’re still an abomination? Is that what you really think? Is that what your heart tells you?”
She sat again. “I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t
know
! Fourteen years. He wasn’t so strict at first. It all came on so gradual I didn’t notice. He didn’t want me to work anymore, and I was just pregnant with Naomi, so I thought that would be fine. Being able to make a real nest, and stay home with my baby. Then he didn’t want to go see Mom and Dad—had excuses. Then he didn’t want me going. We were a family, and he was head of the house. Then he didn’t like them coming to our place either. Holidays maybe—at first.”
“He was cutting you off from everyone who loved you.”
“He said how we were what was important. We needed to make our own lives, and then Mason came along, and he was so strict about how things had to be. But he worked hard, and paid the bills. He never laid a hand on me, I swear it. Or on the children. How he thought, what he wanted, what he said, it just seeped in. I missed Mom and Dad. I missed you so much, but . . .”
He got out another glass, poured wine, set it in front of her.
“I haven’t had anything but church wine since I was carrying Naomi. I used to be like her, didn’t I? Strong and brave and a little bit fierce.”
“You were, yeah.”
“I lost that, Seth. I lost all that.”
“You can find it again.”
She shook her head. “I’m so tired. If I could sleep, just sleep until it all went away. She meant what she said, Naomi did. She wouldn’t go with me. Or if I made her, she’d run off—take Mason with her. She wouldn’t leave him. Not like I left you. She’d make me choose between my children and my husband.”
“You chose him over your family once before.”
“A woman cleaves to her husband.” On a sigh she picked up the glass, drank. “Oh, that’s good. I’d forgotten. I did take vows, Seth. I know he broke them, I know he did unspeakable things—at least sometimes I know. But it’s hard for me to break those promises, to accept that the person I made them to is the man in prison now. I’m just so tired. All the time. If I could, I’d sleep the rest of my life.”
“It’s depression, honey. You have to give the therapy and the medication time. You have to give yourself time.”
“It feels like years already. Seth, every time I drive up to Hazelton, I tell myself it’s the last time. I don’t want to see those walls, to go through those guards. Sit there, talk to him through the glass. To have those reporters and the others who wait for me to come, try to talk to me. They yell out things. You don’t know.”
“Then stop being their target.”
She only shook her head. “But then . . . Tom’s got a way of turning me around, of making me doubt myself. I’ll end up doing just what he says to do. I knew talking to those reporters was wrong. I knew signing that contract was wrong. But I’m not strong and brave and fierce, so I did just what he told me. He said, take that money, sign those papers. I was to put money on his prison account and get a house close by. I was to keep coming every week, and bringing the children once a month to start.”
“I’d fight you on that. I might lose, but I’d fight you on taking those kids there.”
“She’d fight me. My girl.” On a half sob, Susan knuckled a fresh tear away. “She wouldn’t go and she’d fight me like a tiger to keep Mason away. I’ve got to do better by them. I know it.”
“Don’t go back.” He laid a hand over hers, felt hers stiffen. “Get stronger. Take a few weeks, then
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
“That’s fine, Susan. But I’m going to say this to you, and you hear me. You hear me, Susan. Don’t ever talk about the man I love that way again. You understand me?”
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Harry’s been everything kind and good to me and the kids. And I can see how good he is for you. I’m sorry. But . . .”
“We’re still an abomination? Is that what you really think? Is that what your heart tells you?”
She sat again. “I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t
know
! Fourteen years. He wasn’t so strict at first. It all came on so gradual I didn’t notice. He didn’t want me to work anymore, and I was just pregnant with Naomi, so I thought that would be fine. Being able to make a real nest, and stay home with my baby. Then he didn’t want to go see Mom and Dad—had excuses. Then he didn’t want me going. We were a family, and he was head of the house. Then he didn’t like them coming to our place either. Holidays maybe—at first.”
“He was cutting you off from everyone who loved you.”
“He said how we were what was important. We needed to make our own lives, and then Mason came along, and he was so strict about how things had to be. But he worked hard, and paid the bills. He never laid a hand on me, I swear it. Or on the children. How he thought, what he wanted, what he said, it just seeped in. I missed Mom and Dad. I missed you so much, but . . .”
He got out another glass, poured wine, set it in front of her.
“I haven’t had anything but church wine since I was carrying Naomi. I used to be like her, didn’t I? Strong and brave and a little bit fierce.”
“You were, yeah.”
“I lost that, Seth. I lost all that.”
“You can find it again.”
She shook her head. “I’m so tired. If I could sleep, just sleep until it all went away. She meant what she said, Naomi did. She wouldn’t go with me. Or if I made her, she’d run off—take Mason with her. She wouldn’t leave him. Not like I left you. She’d make me choose between my children and my husband.”
“You chose him over your family once before.”
“A woman cleaves to her husband.” On a sigh she picked up the glass, drank. “Oh, that’s good. I’d forgotten. I did take vows, Seth. I know he broke them, I know he did unspeakable things—at least sometimes I know. But it’s hard for me to break those promises, to accept that the person I made them to is the man in prison now. I’m just so tired. All the time. If I could, I’d sleep the rest of my life.”
“It’s depression, honey. You have to give the therapy and the medication time. You have to give yourself time.”
“It feels like years already. Seth, every time I drive up to Hazelton, I tell myself it’s the last time. I don’t want to see those walls, to go through those guards. Sit there, talk to him through the glass. To have those reporters and the others who wait for me to come, try to talk to me. They yell out things. You don’t know.”
“Then stop being their target.”
She only shook her head. “But then . . . Tom’s got a way of turning me around, of making me doubt myself. I’ll end up doing just what he says to do. I knew talking to those reporters was wrong. I knew signing that contract was wrong. But I’m not strong and brave and fierce, so I did just what he told me. He said, take that money, sign those papers. I was to put money on his prison account and get a house close by. I was to keep coming every week, and bringing the children once a month to start.”
“I’d fight you on that. I might lose, but I’d fight you on taking those kids there.”
“She’d fight me. My girl.” On a half sob, Susan knuckled a fresh tear away. “She wouldn’t go and she’d fight me like a tiger to keep Mason away. I’ve got to do better by them. I know it.”
“Don’t go back.” He laid a hand over hers, felt hers stiffen. “Get stronger. Take a few weeks, then
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