foot, it was tiny.
I examined the worm. It was dark grey and light grey, streaked with pink, and segmented, like a normal earthworm. Now it was out of the hot water, it seemed to be recovering. The body that had been wrapped around the tweezers now dangled, writhing, hanging from the head (
was
it its head? How could I tell?) where I had pinched it.
I did not want to kill it – I did not kill animals, not if I could help it – but I had to get rid of it. It was dangerous. I had no doubt of that.
I held the worm above the bath’s plughole, where it wriggled under the scalding water. Then I let it go, and watched it vanish down the drain. I let the water run for a while, and I washed off the tweezers. Then I put a small sticking plaster over the hole in the sole of my foot, and put the plug in the bath, to prevent the worm from climbing back up the open plughole, before I turned off the tap. I did not know if it was dead, but I did not think you came back from the drain.
I put the tweezers back where I had got them from, behind the bathroom mirror, then I closed the mirror and stared at myself.
I wondered, as I wondered so often when I was that age, who
I
was, and what exactly was looking at the face in the mirror. If the face I was looking at wasn’t me, and I knew it wasn’t, because I would still be me whatever happened to my face, then what
was
me? And what was watching?
I went back to the bedroom. It was my night to have the door to the hallway open, and I waited until my sister was asleep, and wouldn’t tell on me, and then, in the dim light from the hall, I read a Secret Seven mystery until I fell asleep.
A n admission about myself: as a very small boy, perhaps three or four years old, I could be a monster. ‘You were a little
momzer
,’ several aunts told me, on different occasions, once I had safely reached adulthood and my dreadful infant deeds could be recalled with wry amusement. But I do not actually remember being a monster. I just remember wanting my own way.
Small children believe themselves to be gods, or some of them do, and they can only be satisfied when the rest of the world goes along with their way of seeing things.
But I was no longer a small boy. I was seven. I had been fearless, but now I was such a frightened child.
The incident of the worm in my foot did not scare me. I did not talk about it. I wondered, though, the next day, whether people often got foot-worms, or whether it was something that had only ever happened to me, in the orange-sky place on the edge of the Hempstocks’ farm.
I peeled off the plaster on the sole of my foot when I awoke, and was relieved to see that the hole had begun to close up. There was a pink place where it had been, like a blood blister, but nothing more.
I went down to breakfast. My mother looked happy. She said, ‘Good news, darling. I’ve got a job. They need an optometrist at Dicksons Opticians, and they want me to start this afternoon. I’ll be working four days a week.’
I did not mind. I would be fine on my own.
‘And I’ve got more good news. We have someone coming to look after you children while I’m away. Her name is Ursula. She’ll be sleeping in your old bedroom, at the top of the stairs. She’ll be a sort of housekeeper. She’ll make sure you children are fed, and she’ll clean the house – Mrs Wollery is having trouble with her hip, and she says it will be a few weeks before she can come back. It will be such a load off my mind to have someone here, if Daddy and I are both working.’
‘You don’t have the money,’ I said. ‘You said you didn’t have any money.’
‘That’s why I’m taking the optometrist job,’ she said. ‘And Ursula’s looking after you for room and board. She needs to live locally for a few months. She phoned this morning. Her references are excellent.’
I hoped that she would be nice. The previous housekeeper, Gertruda, six months earlier, had not been nice: she had enjoyed playing
I examined the worm. It was dark grey and light grey, streaked with pink, and segmented, like a normal earthworm. Now it was out of the hot water, it seemed to be recovering. The body that had been wrapped around the tweezers now dangled, writhing, hanging from the head (
was
it its head? How could I tell?) where I had pinched it.
I did not want to kill it – I did not kill animals, not if I could help it – but I had to get rid of it. It was dangerous. I had no doubt of that.
I held the worm above the bath’s plughole, where it wriggled under the scalding water. Then I let it go, and watched it vanish down the drain. I let the water run for a while, and I washed off the tweezers. Then I put a small sticking plaster over the hole in the sole of my foot, and put the plug in the bath, to prevent the worm from climbing back up the open plughole, before I turned off the tap. I did not know if it was dead, but I did not think you came back from the drain.
I put the tweezers back where I had got them from, behind the bathroom mirror, then I closed the mirror and stared at myself.
I wondered, as I wondered so often when I was that age, who
I
was, and what exactly was looking at the face in the mirror. If the face I was looking at wasn’t me, and I knew it wasn’t, because I would still be me whatever happened to my face, then what
was
me? And what was watching?
I went back to the bedroom. It was my night to have the door to the hallway open, and I waited until my sister was asleep, and wouldn’t tell on me, and then, in the dim light from the hall, I read a Secret Seven mystery until I fell asleep.
A n admission about myself: as a very small boy, perhaps three or four years old, I could be a monster. ‘You were a little
momzer
,’ several aunts told me, on different occasions, once I had safely reached adulthood and my dreadful infant deeds could be recalled with wry amusement. But I do not actually remember being a monster. I just remember wanting my own way.
Small children believe themselves to be gods, or some of them do, and they can only be satisfied when the rest of the world goes along with their way of seeing things.
But I was no longer a small boy. I was seven. I had been fearless, but now I was such a frightened child.
The incident of the worm in my foot did not scare me. I did not talk about it. I wondered, though, the next day, whether people often got foot-worms, or whether it was something that had only ever happened to me, in the orange-sky place on the edge of the Hempstocks’ farm.
I peeled off the plaster on the sole of my foot when I awoke, and was relieved to see that the hole had begun to close up. There was a pink place where it had been, like a blood blister, but nothing more.
I went down to breakfast. My mother looked happy. She said, ‘Good news, darling. I’ve got a job. They need an optometrist at Dicksons Opticians, and they want me to start this afternoon. I’ll be working four days a week.’
I did not mind. I would be fine on my own.
‘And I’ve got more good news. We have someone coming to look after you children while I’m away. Her name is Ursula. She’ll be sleeping in your old bedroom, at the top of the stairs. She’ll be a sort of housekeeper. She’ll make sure you children are fed, and she’ll clean the house – Mrs Wollery is having trouble with her hip, and she says it will be a few weeks before she can come back. It will be such a load off my mind to have someone here, if Daddy and I are both working.’
‘You don’t have the money,’ I said. ‘You said you didn’t have any money.’
‘That’s why I’m taking the optometrist job,’ she said. ‘And Ursula’s looking after you for room and board. She needs to live locally for a few months. She phoned this morning. Her references are excellent.’
I hoped that she would be nice. The previous housekeeper, Gertruda, six months earlier, had not been nice: she had enjoyed playing
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