won’t be his date and that I’m ditching him for the Bloodbath entirely.
When did I turn into this person?
I feel horrible. I’m
ditching
Jewel. I’m basically forcing him to hate me. But I’m also allowed to have a crush, right? I never promised Jewel anything. He’s my best friend. Not my boyfriend.
Thank God Mr. Smith is the study hall monitor. I wait outside the room until I see him making his way down the hall.
“Mr. Smith,” I say when he gets there. “Could I spend this period in the studio? I really want to do some watercolors.”
He writes me a pass.
Just by avoiding Jewel right now, I feel like I’m breaking the rules.
I get out my notebook, tear off a piece of paper, and write a note.
I ask him to meet me at the troll after school.
I walk down the empty hall, fast so I won’t flip out, and I slip the note into his locker.
The VW’s rear windshield is newly decorated with a Day-Glo heart, spray-paint pink, filled in with squiggles. A garnish of love graffiti for the beast’s meal.
I lean against the troll’s fist, out of the misty rain, waiting for Jewel. I think about what to say to him.
I love you as a friend…. It’s not you, it’s me…
.
Jewel walks from the direction of school, his hood up against the drizzle and his eyes down.
He gets to where I am. He doesn’t talk. He doesn’t look at me.
“I got your note.”
“I figured.” He moves his gaze to the pink heart.
“I don’t know what to say.” I close my eyes, then open them and speak to his forehead. “I can’t go with you. I have … a date, sort of.”
I let my gaze meet his. My eyes instantly water. “But I still want to hang out with you. You’re … my best friend.”
He finally looks at me. He’s heard. It’s obvious. His eyes are empty. Someone slapped Simon five on a new chick or something, in front of Jewel. Possibly on purpose.
In this instant, I want to erase everything with Simonand just go back to normal with Jewel. But I also know that it’s impossible. Because now Jewel and I have our own kiss-weirdness so even if there weren’t a Simon Murphy in my life, there would not be normal with Jewel, either.
“Why don’t you come for dinner,” I say. “Lasagna. Saturday before the dance.”
He looks back at the VW. “Wouldn’t your boyfriend be pissed?”
He turns, keeps his head down as he walks through the rain.
I don’t think about it; I just run after him. “Hey,” I say. “Hey.”
He turns around.
“That’s not fair. For you to be mad at me for having a date to the Bath.”
He just looks at me, rain falling between us.
I go on. “I know we were supposed to go together. We do everything together. But you know … I’m allowed to have a date who’s not you. Isn’t that okay? And you might … go out with someone.”
Jewel and someone else? The thought is like someone stealing from me.
He stands there.
“Is it because Simon’s … what? Popular?”
“Alice, that’s so not it.” He walks away again. I don’t follow him.
I walk home feeling like something so low. Like I deserve to be eaten by the troll.
Because what Jewel really meant was: I’m breaking his heart.
Chapter Seven
•
•
•
When I go to bed and close my eyes, I hear Jewel’s voice, shaking. So I sit up and trace my Dove Girl with the tip of my finger, starting with her eyes, extending to her long nose, her uneven heart of a mouth. Then her head; lastly, the place where her skin turns into the wings of a dove. I try to memorize this shape. Peace. What it is to be still, calm.
I’ve tried drawing her in my sketchbook. She ends up too pointy or too mean-looking. Mean like me, according to Jewel. Maybe. Probably.
What if it were two weeks ago? What if Jewel had kissed me then and Simon and I had never hung out? And kissed? Then would I go with Jewel to the Bath as his date? Would I become his girlfriend?
What ifs. That’s all I’ve got because my Dove Girl doesn’t talk back. She just
When did I turn into this person?
I feel horrible. I’m
ditching
Jewel. I’m basically forcing him to hate me. But I’m also allowed to have a crush, right? I never promised Jewel anything. He’s my best friend. Not my boyfriend.
Thank God Mr. Smith is the study hall monitor. I wait outside the room until I see him making his way down the hall.
“Mr. Smith,” I say when he gets there. “Could I spend this period in the studio? I really want to do some watercolors.”
He writes me a pass.
Just by avoiding Jewel right now, I feel like I’m breaking the rules.
I get out my notebook, tear off a piece of paper, and write a note.
I ask him to meet me at the troll after school.
I walk down the empty hall, fast so I won’t flip out, and I slip the note into his locker.
The VW’s rear windshield is newly decorated with a Day-Glo heart, spray-paint pink, filled in with squiggles. A garnish of love graffiti for the beast’s meal.
I lean against the troll’s fist, out of the misty rain, waiting for Jewel. I think about what to say to him.
I love you as a friend…. It’s not you, it’s me…
.
Jewel walks from the direction of school, his hood up against the drizzle and his eyes down.
He gets to where I am. He doesn’t talk. He doesn’t look at me.
“I got your note.”
“I figured.” He moves his gaze to the pink heart.
“I don’t know what to say.” I close my eyes, then open them and speak to his forehead. “I can’t go with you. I have … a date, sort of.”
I let my gaze meet his. My eyes instantly water. “But I still want to hang out with you. You’re … my best friend.”
He finally looks at me. He’s heard. It’s obvious. His eyes are empty. Someone slapped Simon five on a new chick or something, in front of Jewel. Possibly on purpose.
In this instant, I want to erase everything with Simonand just go back to normal with Jewel. But I also know that it’s impossible. Because now Jewel and I have our own kiss-weirdness so even if there weren’t a Simon Murphy in my life, there would not be normal with Jewel, either.
“Why don’t you come for dinner,” I say. “Lasagna. Saturday before the dance.”
He looks back at the VW. “Wouldn’t your boyfriend be pissed?”
He turns, keeps his head down as he walks through the rain.
I don’t think about it; I just run after him. “Hey,” I say. “Hey.”
He turns around.
“That’s not fair. For you to be mad at me for having a date to the Bath.”
He just looks at me, rain falling between us.
I go on. “I know we were supposed to go together. We do everything together. But you know … I’m allowed to have a date who’s not you. Isn’t that okay? And you might … go out with someone.”
Jewel and someone else? The thought is like someone stealing from me.
He stands there.
“Is it because Simon’s … what? Popular?”
“Alice, that’s so not it.” He walks away again. I don’t follow him.
I walk home feeling like something so low. Like I deserve to be eaten by the troll.
Because what Jewel really meant was: I’m breaking his heart.
Chapter Seven
•
•
•
When I go to bed and close my eyes, I hear Jewel’s voice, shaking. So I sit up and trace my Dove Girl with the tip of my finger, starting with her eyes, extending to her long nose, her uneven heart of a mouth. Then her head; lastly, the place where her skin turns into the wings of a dove. I try to memorize this shape. Peace. What it is to be still, calm.
I’ve tried drawing her in my sketchbook. She ends up too pointy or too mean-looking. Mean like me, according to Jewel. Maybe. Probably.
What if it were two weeks ago? What if Jewel had kissed me then and Simon and I had never hung out? And kissed? Then would I go with Jewel to the Bath as his date? Would I become his girlfriend?
What ifs. That’s all I’ve got because my Dove Girl doesn’t talk back. She just
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