buttons on the heart monitor. The beep gets quieter.
Mikah, who has been very quiet in the corner, gently squeezes my hand. I look over at him. His eyes are not on the doctor or the monitor; they are on me, on my face. I smile at him nervously and he squeezes my hand again as Dr. Alston presses the wand against my abdomen.
TEN
"Well, well. Hello there, little one," Dr. Alston croons.
I pull my eyes from Mikah’s to look at the doctor, who is very intently looking at the monitor. The angle I’m at makes the monitor look black, and I can’t see anything. The wand moves around on my stomach while Dr. Alston presses various buttons on the machine.
"Can we see?" I ask quietly.
As soon as the words leave my mouth, I have a sudden rush of fear. I want to see, but I'm scared. I'm scared that seeing the baby will make it real for me.
Mikah squeezes my hand again as Dr. Alston presses a couple more buttons.
"Just a...moment. I'm taking measurements. This will help us determine the age of the fetus, along with your blood work."
I bite my lip nervously and Mikah's hand resumes stroking my hair. This time, although I wasn't expecting his touch, I don't flinch, and I'm suddenly very grateful that she’s turned down the heart monitor. His touch sends invisible shivers across my body, and I feel the knot in my stomach loosening.
That’s when I realize that the knot has been in my stomach for months, not just minutes.
With a couple more clicks of the keys, she grabs the side of the monitor to turn it. Panic sets in and my heart rate skyrockets.
"Calm down, Vivienne. It's okay. I can give you some pictures instead, so you can look at them when you're ready."
I pull in a few long breaths, trying to imagine what this is going to be like, how I’m going to react. I remind myself that I chose this, that this is what I want.
"No." I take another long, deep breath. "I'm ready," I say, and once again, Mikah's silent reassurance is there as he squeezes my hand.
Dr. Alston slowly turns the monitor until the image comes into view.
It's grainy, black and white, narrow at the top and wider at the bottom. Smack in the middle of the screen is a black, odd-shaped oval, and inside that oval is...
Tears, hot and heavy, flow down my cheeks. There are no words for the beautiful image I see on the screen. Two arms, two legs, a head all visible. Suddenly the image zooms in, and I can see the baby’s profile: faintest outline of eyes, nose, a faint shadow of lips.
"My God," Mikah says, so softly I almost miss it. Reverence in his voice. Part of me wants to see the expression on his face, but I can't pull my eyes away from the monitor.
To the right of a wedge shape on the monitor, something is pulsing. I point toward it with my free hand. "What. Is. That?"
"A strong heartbeat. Want to hear it?" Dr. Alston asks. I nod and she reaches for something on the keyboard. A second pulse enters the room.
"It's so fast," I say as I watch the pulsing match up with the noise. It almost sounds like a bad radio signal, full of static, but it is the sweetest sound I've ever heard. I start to cry again.
"That's very normal at this stage of pregnancy. In fact, up until well after delivery. Babies’ heart rates run faster than ours for a while.
“As I suspected, you’re about eleven to twelve weeks along. The baby is measuring at about three inches in length. In another five or six weeks, we should be able to fully determine the sex."
"When you say ‘fully determine’...?" Mikah asks her.
"I mean that I can take a guess right now, based off of what I saw, but it would be a guess of experience and not expertise. Do you want to know what I think it is, Vivienne?"
I shake my head, wiping tears from my eyes. "I would rather wait until you're sure." My voice comes out hardly above a whisper.
She smiles at me and says, "That sounds like a plan to me. Do you want to take some pictures
Mikah, who has been very quiet in the corner, gently squeezes my hand. I look over at him. His eyes are not on the doctor or the monitor; they are on me, on my face. I smile at him nervously and he squeezes my hand again as Dr. Alston presses the wand against my abdomen.
TEN
"Well, well. Hello there, little one," Dr. Alston croons.
I pull my eyes from Mikah’s to look at the doctor, who is very intently looking at the monitor. The angle I’m at makes the monitor look black, and I can’t see anything. The wand moves around on my stomach while Dr. Alston presses various buttons on the machine.
"Can we see?" I ask quietly.
As soon as the words leave my mouth, I have a sudden rush of fear. I want to see, but I'm scared. I'm scared that seeing the baby will make it real for me.
Mikah squeezes my hand again as Dr. Alston presses a couple more buttons.
"Just a...moment. I'm taking measurements. This will help us determine the age of the fetus, along with your blood work."
I bite my lip nervously and Mikah's hand resumes stroking my hair. This time, although I wasn't expecting his touch, I don't flinch, and I'm suddenly very grateful that she’s turned down the heart monitor. His touch sends invisible shivers across my body, and I feel the knot in my stomach loosening.
That’s when I realize that the knot has been in my stomach for months, not just minutes.
With a couple more clicks of the keys, she grabs the side of the monitor to turn it. Panic sets in and my heart rate skyrockets.
"Calm down, Vivienne. It's okay. I can give you some pictures instead, so you can look at them when you're ready."
I pull in a few long breaths, trying to imagine what this is going to be like, how I’m going to react. I remind myself that I chose this, that this is what I want.
"No." I take another long, deep breath. "I'm ready," I say, and once again, Mikah's silent reassurance is there as he squeezes my hand.
Dr. Alston slowly turns the monitor until the image comes into view.
It's grainy, black and white, narrow at the top and wider at the bottom. Smack in the middle of the screen is a black, odd-shaped oval, and inside that oval is...
Tears, hot and heavy, flow down my cheeks. There are no words for the beautiful image I see on the screen. Two arms, two legs, a head all visible. Suddenly the image zooms in, and I can see the baby’s profile: faintest outline of eyes, nose, a faint shadow of lips.
"My God," Mikah says, so softly I almost miss it. Reverence in his voice. Part of me wants to see the expression on his face, but I can't pull my eyes away from the monitor.
To the right of a wedge shape on the monitor, something is pulsing. I point toward it with my free hand. "What. Is. That?"
"A strong heartbeat. Want to hear it?" Dr. Alston asks. I nod and she reaches for something on the keyboard. A second pulse enters the room.
"It's so fast," I say as I watch the pulsing match up with the noise. It almost sounds like a bad radio signal, full of static, but it is the sweetest sound I've ever heard. I start to cry again.
"That's very normal at this stage of pregnancy. In fact, up until well after delivery. Babies’ heart rates run faster than ours for a while.
“As I suspected, you’re about eleven to twelve weeks along. The baby is measuring at about three inches in length. In another five or six weeks, we should be able to fully determine the sex."
"When you say ‘fully determine’...?" Mikah asks her.
"I mean that I can take a guess right now, based off of what I saw, but it would be a guess of experience and not expertise. Do you want to know what I think it is, Vivienne?"
I shake my head, wiping tears from my eyes. "I would rather wait until you're sure." My voice comes out hardly above a whisper.
She smiles at me and says, "That sounds like a plan to me. Do you want to take some pictures
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