just wanted to wrap you in my arms and make everything better", she said between sobs. "So many times, I wanted to be alone with you, to touch your hand, or your face, and tell you how I feel. I could never find the right moment. I didn't know what to do. Every time you looked at me, my heart would jump. I would play it off. I came to this conference just to be close to you." Tears continued to stream down Elle's face. "Could you tell?"
Nita shook her head.
"I've dated men... I used to sleep with men... many men." Elle's tone had a tinge of indignation. "It was easy to play along when we did that speed-dating thing. But, when I think of dating and love, intimacy and sharing the rest of my life with someone, I only want to be with a woman."
"The only time I was confident talking to you was with pen and paper. I saw when you discovered my first letter, then I paid the waiter at the mixer, to give you the second letter. He took a photo of you reading it and sent it to me from his phone."
Elle's eyes were focused on Nita; they seemed to be saying, "Please don't turn away." Nita didn't move.
Elle continued to speak. "I disguised my gender and concealed my sexual orientation in some teal stationery. but I know I can't make you fall in love with me, as much as I want to fall in love with you. I was dishonest and I am so sorry. I've been holding back my feelings, waiting for something that's never gonna happen. Knowing I can't have you has been shredding me. In that session back there, I just couldn't take it anymore."
When Elle stopped talking, the only words Nita could find were, "Does Gina know?"
Elle shook her head. "No, at least, I don't think so. I've kept it hidden from my family as long as I can remember. Lately, it's been too easy. Gina's been really preoccupied." With those words, she laughed ironically.
She took another deep breath. "Just to be sure I haven't made another mistake, I guess I have to ask the question. 'Is there any possibility that you could ever, maybe... be attracted to me?'"
Nita shook her head again. "Elle, I'm not attracted to women."
The last microscopic glimmer of hope fell from Elle's face, "That's what I thought. So, what now?"
Nita composed herself, still in shock after Elle had bared her soul. "What can I do for you right now?" Nita asked.
"I'm done here. Would you tell Gina, I had to leave early?" Elle stood up and adjusted her clothes. She wiped away the remaining moisture on her face with her sleeves, then rolled them up to her elbows. "...and, if possible, would you keep our conversation private."
"Of course." Nita replied.
Elle slipped through the door and found a way to exit the building unseen by conference attendees or church staff.
Chapter 18
Decompression
Nita could only describe her mood over the next few days as mildly depressed. Although she was sure Elle was not angry with her, she felt as though they had a fierce argument. She had begun to feel wonderful about her new friendship with Gina and Elle, but that was compromised by Elle's desire for much more than a friendship, coupled with the fact that she asked Nita not to talk about it with anyone, especially with Gina. She felt like the friends, whom she was adding to her life, were now being subtracted. Regardless of the reason, it still made her feel sad.
"How is it possible for a lesbian to be interested in a woman who is straight? Does that say something about my sexuality?" Nita wondered. "The protesters on TV say that being gay is the way they're born, and that no one can change that, yet, Elle practically invited me into homosexual relationship with her, and I have never been gay and have no plans to be. For a time, she believed it was possible that I might accept her invitation. So, some must think that straight people can become gay, just not the other way around. Isn't that a double-standard? I never see anyone debating that on TV."
Deciding that she
Nita shook her head.
"I've dated men... I used to sleep with men... many men." Elle's tone had a tinge of indignation. "It was easy to play along when we did that speed-dating thing. But, when I think of dating and love, intimacy and sharing the rest of my life with someone, I only want to be with a woman."
"The only time I was confident talking to you was with pen and paper. I saw when you discovered my first letter, then I paid the waiter at the mixer, to give you the second letter. He took a photo of you reading it and sent it to me from his phone."
Elle's eyes were focused on Nita; they seemed to be saying, "Please don't turn away." Nita didn't move.
Elle continued to speak. "I disguised my gender and concealed my sexual orientation in some teal stationery. but I know I can't make you fall in love with me, as much as I want to fall in love with you. I was dishonest and I am so sorry. I've been holding back my feelings, waiting for something that's never gonna happen. Knowing I can't have you has been shredding me. In that session back there, I just couldn't take it anymore."
When Elle stopped talking, the only words Nita could find were, "Does Gina know?"
Elle shook her head. "No, at least, I don't think so. I've kept it hidden from my family as long as I can remember. Lately, it's been too easy. Gina's been really preoccupied." With those words, she laughed ironically.
She took another deep breath. "Just to be sure I haven't made another mistake, I guess I have to ask the question. 'Is there any possibility that you could ever, maybe... be attracted to me?'"
Nita shook her head again. "Elle, I'm not attracted to women."
The last microscopic glimmer of hope fell from Elle's face, "That's what I thought. So, what now?"
Nita composed herself, still in shock after Elle had bared her soul. "What can I do for you right now?" Nita asked.
"I'm done here. Would you tell Gina, I had to leave early?" Elle stood up and adjusted her clothes. She wiped away the remaining moisture on her face with her sleeves, then rolled them up to her elbows. "...and, if possible, would you keep our conversation private."
"Of course." Nita replied.
Elle slipped through the door and found a way to exit the building unseen by conference attendees or church staff.
Chapter 18
Decompression
Nita could only describe her mood over the next few days as mildly depressed. Although she was sure Elle was not angry with her, she felt as though they had a fierce argument. She had begun to feel wonderful about her new friendship with Gina and Elle, but that was compromised by Elle's desire for much more than a friendship, coupled with the fact that she asked Nita not to talk about it with anyone, especially with Gina. She felt like the friends, whom she was adding to her life, were now being subtracted. Regardless of the reason, it still made her feel sad.
"How is it possible for a lesbian to be interested in a woman who is straight? Does that say something about my sexuality?" Nita wondered. "The protesters on TV say that being gay is the way they're born, and that no one can change that, yet, Elle practically invited me into homosexual relationship with her, and I have never been gay and have no plans to be. For a time, she believed it was possible that I might accept her invitation. So, some must think that straight people can become gay, just not the other way around. Isn't that a double-standard? I never see anyone debating that on TV."
Deciding that she
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