the Witch is Dead' and then, once again, I felt the familiar cold hand of a nun as she touched my tail and she led me towards the darkened stage.
'We'll have to stop meeting like this, Sister,' I whispered into her veil, but she gave me no response.
I leapt out from behind a cardboard bush and roared 'Put 'em up' in my best American accent. It got a few laughs. So far so good. Then came the Jitterbugs. Wham! started playing right on cue and I immediately dropped to the floor as Miss Shambo had ordered, but as I sat watching the cast jitterbugging around me, I thought, hold on, this isn't right, and I could feel the adrenalin rushing through me. There was only one thing to do, so I leapt to my furry feet and like a Lion possessed I began to dance. I hadn't a clue if what I was doing was good or bad, but what I did know was that it was getting big laughs from the audience.
With the laughter ringing in my ears, I jumped off the stage and danced out into the audience. I had no idea why, or where I was going, I just knew that I was on to
something good. I headed towards my family. 'Hello, Mum,' I shouted and gave her a wave. By this time the place was rocking and the audience were in hysterics. They knew this wasn't in the script.
I danced passed the Mayor and the governors, all the while avoiding eye contact with Miss Shambo who was sat in the corner furiously scribbling notes. I made my way back on to the stage and noticed a couple of trees representing the forest (well, they were actually second-year girls with American tan tights over their heads covered in bits of green tissue paper). I had an idea forming. I knew it was quite naughty but if I pulled it off it would bring the house down. I danced to the back of the stage, straight up to a tree and cocked my leg up. The room exploded. I held my leg in the air for a few seconds pretending to urinate.
'Aw, you're dead, Miss Shambo's going to kill you!' said a girl's voice from inside the tree, but I couldn't have cared less. The sound of laughter was deafening now and with that kind of a reaction what I was doing couldn't be all that bad. But Sister Sledge gave me a right bollocking during the interval. She collared me backstage and said,
'Is that what you're going to be when you grow up, a comedian?'
I wanted to say, 'Yes Sister, it is,' but it was hard for me to talk with her hands round my windpipe.
Ten years later in Marks & Spencer I bumped into that same girl. She said hello, I said hello back.
'You don't remember me, do you?' she said. I had to confess I didn't. 'You pissed on me in The Wizard of Oz,' she replied, a little bit too loudly for my liking in the middle of Blue Harbour. 'My mum and dad always said you'd end up a comedian,' she added and walked off.
Wham! reached their climax and I returned to my original position at the front of the stage and sat back down. The whole room shook with applause. It felt good.
Being in the show seemed like academic suicide at the time. In fact, that's exactly what it turned out to be. I got one GCSE in Art and Dorothy went back to Kansas.
But I've never regretted it for a second. Performing in the show opened my eyes again to the true potential I had for making people laugh. Not only was I glad that I followed my instincts and played the part but I also got to keep the Lion costume (and wear it sixteen years later on the road to Amarillo).
Chapter Four
A Highland Toffee and a Packet of Three
I once overheard an actor being interviewed on TV-am. The telly was in the next room but I heard the interviewer (I think it was Richard Keys) ask what advice he had for any budding actors who may have been watching and fancied having a go at it.
'I'm afraid you can't just have a go at acting,' the actor snapped back at Richard. 'If you want to be an actor then you've got to eat, sleep and breathe acting, that's if you want to be any kind of success.'
I remember that scaring the shit out of me. I didn't want to eat, sleep and
'We'll have to stop meeting like this, Sister,' I whispered into her veil, but she gave me no response.
I leapt out from behind a cardboard bush and roared 'Put 'em up' in my best American accent. It got a few laughs. So far so good. Then came the Jitterbugs. Wham! started playing right on cue and I immediately dropped to the floor as Miss Shambo had ordered, but as I sat watching the cast jitterbugging around me, I thought, hold on, this isn't right, and I could feel the adrenalin rushing through me. There was only one thing to do, so I leapt to my furry feet and like a Lion possessed I began to dance. I hadn't a clue if what I was doing was good or bad, but what I did know was that it was getting big laughs from the audience.
With the laughter ringing in my ears, I jumped off the stage and danced out into the audience. I had no idea why, or where I was going, I just knew that I was on to
something good. I headed towards my family. 'Hello, Mum,' I shouted and gave her a wave. By this time the place was rocking and the audience were in hysterics. They knew this wasn't in the script.
I danced passed the Mayor and the governors, all the while avoiding eye contact with Miss Shambo who was sat in the corner furiously scribbling notes. I made my way back on to the stage and noticed a couple of trees representing the forest (well, they were actually second-year girls with American tan tights over their heads covered in bits of green tissue paper). I had an idea forming. I knew it was quite naughty but if I pulled it off it would bring the house down. I danced to the back of the stage, straight up to a tree and cocked my leg up. The room exploded. I held my leg in the air for a few seconds pretending to urinate.
'Aw, you're dead, Miss Shambo's going to kill you!' said a girl's voice from inside the tree, but I couldn't have cared less. The sound of laughter was deafening now and with that kind of a reaction what I was doing couldn't be all that bad. But Sister Sledge gave me a right bollocking during the interval. She collared me backstage and said,
'Is that what you're going to be when you grow up, a comedian?'
I wanted to say, 'Yes Sister, it is,' but it was hard for me to talk with her hands round my windpipe.
Ten years later in Marks & Spencer I bumped into that same girl. She said hello, I said hello back.
'You don't remember me, do you?' she said. I had to confess I didn't. 'You pissed on me in The Wizard of Oz,' she replied, a little bit too loudly for my liking in the middle of Blue Harbour. 'My mum and dad always said you'd end up a comedian,' she added and walked off.
Wham! reached their climax and I returned to my original position at the front of the stage and sat back down. The whole room shook with applause. It felt good.
Being in the show seemed like academic suicide at the time. In fact, that's exactly what it turned out to be. I got one GCSE in Art and Dorothy went back to Kansas.
But I've never regretted it for a second. Performing in the show opened my eyes again to the true potential I had for making people laugh. Not only was I glad that I followed my instincts and played the part but I also got to keep the Lion costume (and wear it sixteen years later on the road to Amarillo).
Chapter Four
A Highland Toffee and a Packet of Three
I once overheard an actor being interviewed on TV-am. The telly was in the next room but I heard the interviewer (I think it was Richard Keys) ask what advice he had for any budding actors who may have been watching and fancied having a go at it.
'I'm afraid you can't just have a go at acting,' the actor snapped back at Richard. 'If you want to be an actor then you've got to eat, sleep and breathe acting, that's if you want to be any kind of success.'
I remember that scaring the shit out of me. I didn't want to eat, sleep and
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