happened, word for word, without any embellishment, I would’ve thought you had lost your mind. I would’ve thought you were exaggerating to make the story funnier. I would’ve thought that you are perhaps feeling a little strange that your ex-husband has this new girlfriend in light of how hard he fought the divorce and vowed that you had ruined him for other women. In a million years I never would have believed you, had I not just seen it for myself.”
“Yeah, I know. Kind of amazing, isn’t it?”
“What the hell was he thinking, bringing her here?”
“You know Brant. He’s a great guy deep down, but he’s totally socially inept. I’m sure that he thinks it makes him look very cool and progressive to have such a comfortable, friendly relationship with his ex-wife. I think he was showing off for her. Announcing that we have the kind of relationship where he can just drop by because he saw the light on. That I would be welcoming and warm and want to meet her and be friendly and she could see us banter back and forth, and isn’t it all one big happy family? But he and I are going to have to have a little talk about the point at which it is appropriate for me to meet the woman in his life. I mean, Jesus Christ. They’re not even sleeping together yet! I don’t need to be part of his weird seduction plan. I don’t think it’s too much to ask that he wait until a relationship is really serious before he drags me into it.”
“And they’re going to temple together?” Paige says.
“What can I do? He is who he is. If he thinks rediscovering his Judaism with her will be a good thing, who am I to argue?”
“You’re being too good!” Paige gets up onto the couch and props herself on her knees in a pinup-girl pose with her chest thrust out. “Have you met me? I’m Mallory, and these are my breasts and I’m sort of a lawyer and I used to be in the army and I lived in Vietnam and I invented the Internet and I’m so wonderful and fabulous and I’m making your ex-husband become a rabbi since I wrote the Torah, and I’ve decided that he’ll be my new husband and I hate that you have a nicer apartment than he does, and so I’m going to try to make you as uncomfortable as possible in your own living room.”
We start to laugh. Paige rolls over onto her back, unbuttons two buttons on her shirt, throws her legs up into the air, and starts doing little ballet maneuvers with her feet. “And do you drink pop, because I invented pop. I’m the first one that ever thought you should put a flavor and sugar into sparkling water, and that makes me a genius and did I mention that I have lovely breasts and like for you to look at them? I notice that you have furniture in your house, and I think that’s fascinating, as I build all my own furniture from scratch.” Paige allows the front half of her body to slide off the couch so that she sprawls gracefully onto the floor. She strikes another provocative pose. “I think it’s so cool that you’re watching a movie. I starred in a movie, and I wrote it myself and I directed it and I produced it and I designed all of the sets, and I sewed all the costumes myself and it was going to be called Me Me Me: A Retrospective and shown at Cannes and Sundance, which was an idea I gave to Robert Redford a long time ago, but my funding fell through because nothing good ever really happens to me, I have to make it happen myself, and I come from a terrible family, my father beat me as a child with my mother’s shoe, and she popped pills, and every bit of success that anyone in the world has ever had is somehow related directly to me and my perseverance, and even though I cannot pass the bar, I’m still the super-duper genius girl of the universe.” Paige collapses, spent and out of breath.
By this time, the two of us are laughing so hard we’re practically peeing in our pants. On the one hand, I feel a little bad making fun of Mallory, who was clearly so uncomfortable with
“Yeah, I know. Kind of amazing, isn’t it?”
“What the hell was he thinking, bringing her here?”
“You know Brant. He’s a great guy deep down, but he’s totally socially inept. I’m sure that he thinks it makes him look very cool and progressive to have such a comfortable, friendly relationship with his ex-wife. I think he was showing off for her. Announcing that we have the kind of relationship where he can just drop by because he saw the light on. That I would be welcoming and warm and want to meet her and be friendly and she could see us banter back and forth, and isn’t it all one big happy family? But he and I are going to have to have a little talk about the point at which it is appropriate for me to meet the woman in his life. I mean, Jesus Christ. They’re not even sleeping together yet! I don’t need to be part of his weird seduction plan. I don’t think it’s too much to ask that he wait until a relationship is really serious before he drags me into it.”
“And they’re going to temple together?” Paige says.
“What can I do? He is who he is. If he thinks rediscovering his Judaism with her will be a good thing, who am I to argue?”
“You’re being too good!” Paige gets up onto the couch and props herself on her knees in a pinup-girl pose with her chest thrust out. “Have you met me? I’m Mallory, and these are my breasts and I’m sort of a lawyer and I used to be in the army and I lived in Vietnam and I invented the Internet and I’m so wonderful and fabulous and I’m making your ex-husband become a rabbi since I wrote the Torah, and I’ve decided that he’ll be my new husband and I hate that you have a nicer apartment than he does, and so I’m going to try to make you as uncomfortable as possible in your own living room.”
We start to laugh. Paige rolls over onto her back, unbuttons two buttons on her shirt, throws her legs up into the air, and starts doing little ballet maneuvers with her feet. “And do you drink pop, because I invented pop. I’m the first one that ever thought you should put a flavor and sugar into sparkling water, and that makes me a genius and did I mention that I have lovely breasts and like for you to look at them? I notice that you have furniture in your house, and I think that’s fascinating, as I build all my own furniture from scratch.” Paige allows the front half of her body to slide off the couch so that she sprawls gracefully onto the floor. She strikes another provocative pose. “I think it’s so cool that you’re watching a movie. I starred in a movie, and I wrote it myself and I directed it and I produced it and I designed all of the sets, and I sewed all the costumes myself and it was going to be called Me Me Me: A Retrospective and shown at Cannes and Sundance, which was an idea I gave to Robert Redford a long time ago, but my funding fell through because nothing good ever really happens to me, I have to make it happen myself, and I come from a terrible family, my father beat me as a child with my mother’s shoe, and she popped pills, and every bit of success that anyone in the world has ever had is somehow related directly to me and my perseverance, and even though I cannot pass the bar, I’m still the super-duper genius girl of the universe.” Paige collapses, spent and out of breath.
By this time, the two of us are laughing so hard we’re practically peeing in our pants. On the one hand, I feel a little bad making fun of Mallory, who was clearly so uncomfortable with
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