The Story of God by Chris Matheson

“Don’t be jealous of each other” instead. Which was fine too. (Ex. 20:4–14)
    And that was it, he was done. God sat back and crossed his arms, quite confident that these ten rules (“commandments,” he quickly corrected himself) would be all the guidance his people would need. Then, annoyingly, who should show up to talk about how hell was coming along but Satan. And, as always, he asked ridiculous questions. “Don’t you think they already
knew
you didn’t want them to worship any other gods?” he asked.
    â€œSo what if they did, Satan? I was
clarifying,”
God said, exasperated. “Besides, it wasn’t all about me. I gave them some excellent laws! Respect your parents, for instance.”
    â€œDon’t they do that already?”
    â€œWhat?”
    â€œDon’t they already respect their parents? Don’t human beings naturally do that?”
    â€œWhat are you driving at, Satan?”
    â€œAren’t you just ‘commanding’ them to do things they already do?”
    God was incensed by this line of questioning. He had felt so confident before Satan arrived, but now … his body tightened as Satan continued, smiling pleasantly.
    â€œThe same with ‘don’t kill’ and ‘don’t steal.’ Don’t they already know those things are wrong?”
    â€œNot until my commandments they didn’t!”
    â€œAlso, you tell them not to kill
now,
but aren’t you going to
want
them to kill quite soon?” (Num. 31:37)
    God glared at Satan, deeply irritated by his presumptions. His Ten Commandments were excellent, he knew that, and now Satan was mocking them. “I really should destroy him right here, right now,” God thought to himself. He was thinking of how he’d do it—throttle him?—impale him?—but then he had second thoughts. He took a breath, nodded, smiled coolly. “How is hell coming along?” he asked.
    â€œA bit slower than expected,” Satan said. “It won’t be ready for another hundred earth years.”
    â€œBut it’s going to be horrible?”
    â€œExtremely horrible.”
    â€œI want it to be excruciating for them—
agonizing.”
    â€œIt will be.”
    â€œGood, good.”
    There was a strained pause. God and Satan looked at each other; God shifted his weight a little. Why did he always havethe awful feeling that Satan was laughing at him? Like he saw something and was amused by it. Which was infuriating. He was
God,
he demanded respect and obedience, he had created Satan and he was not going to be mocked by him. God nodded brusquely. “You may go now.”
    Satan looked at God, nodded, and turned away without saying another word. As God watched him go, he seethed. “His criticism of my Ten Commandments was ridiculous.” But he
did
start thinking of other laws for the humans. “Only to supplement what I already told them,” he told himself.
    â€œWhen a man sells his daughter as a slave,” God told Moses soon thereafter, “she should not be freed as male slaves are.” (Ex. 21:7) It was a good law, God thought. But there was a part of him that briefly wondered: “Shouldn’t I tell Moses that it’s
wrong
for a father to sell his daughter as a slave in the first place?” He thought this over for a moment.
Was
it wrong for a father to sell his daughter as a slave? God was “laying down the law” here and he wanted to get it right (which he knew he would, in any case, because he was perfect), so he asked himself again, “Is there anything wrong with a father selling his daughter as a slave?” The answer came quickly: There was nothing wrong with it, nothing in the least! “We’re talking about
girls
here,” God chuckled to himself.
    More ideas started coming to God. “If a child insults his mother or father, he should be put to death,” he told Moses. (Ex.