paws in the air.
“Clown head,” you said, and pointed.
I didn’t see it. Then I did. “Ha, clown head,” I said. My turn. I pointed now. “Cow.”
“Yeah. His ears there,” you said. Changing white forms on a blue magic slate. What was I, thirteen? I don’t even know. You propped on one elbow to look at me. I propped on one elbow to look at you. Our bodies were lined up, our toes almost touching. And all at once you looked different to me. Not different—the same. The same but more . You held my eyes. You seemed surprised. There was this girl lying next to you. A girl, not just Ben’s sister. And you reached out—you tucked a lock of hair behind my ear. That’s all. You had the tenderness of a good guy already. How did you have that right then? How is that possible? You grew up around horses. You knew how to be gentle, and how to set a firm hand on something skittish. Though, maybe it was just the way you came. Who you are.
“So, Cricket,” you said. “How’d you get your name?” Of course you already knew. Nowhere special. Just something that came from me trying to say my own name when I was small. But you asked like we were first meeting. Teasing me. And you grinned.
And I grinned back. There was this strange energy between us. I felt it. I could almost see it.
At that moment Jupiter righted herself to dig madly with her front paws at something she smelled underground. It ruined the mood ( and the lawn), and I was so embarrassed. You’d seen her do bad stuff a hundred times, but it was something embarrassing all of a sudden.
Later I thought about it over and over, that finger tucking my hair back. Yeah, I must have been thirteen or so, because I remember thinking about it in Senora Becker’s Spanish. Middle school. ¿Dondé está el baño? Senorita Catherine! That finger, my hair, that finger, my hair. Your own crazy hair, swooped down over your forehead. Looking at me intently with those eyes.
I still think about it, that finger. And of course all that happened later.
I will definitely tell Gram and everyone you said hi. Yeah, I’ll tell her you said to behave herself too. And I will give Jupiter a pat hello. Right now she’s looking at me patiently, but like, Cricket, are we done yet, please? Can we turn out the light? I can barely keep my eyes open. Your new boss sounds like an asshole. Really? He made you serve him coffee? And it wasn’t black enough for his taste? He doesn’t deserve you.
I guess after what happened, after what I did, neither do I.
Love always,
Cricket
chapter
six
“Sleepyhead,” Mom said to me as she let me into the shared bathroom the next morning. She was brushing her teeth, and her mouth was all white froth. Sheepyhahd , it sounded like, the mix of words and Ultrabrite with foaming action. She spit, wiped her mouth with her robe sleeve. I hoped Dan Jax knew all her disgusting habits.
“Have you heard of a towel?” I asked.
“Why look for a towel when your sleeve is conveniently located right on your arm?”
“You better not drink from the milk carton when you live with Dan,” I said. “Or the Coke bottle.” I hated when she did that. I went into the tiny adjoining room where the toilet was, shut the door between us.
“I’m supposed to irritate you right now,” she called through the door. “It’ll help us separate when you go away to school.”
“Doing a great job,” I said.
“You could irritate me more, okay, honey? Because I’ll miss you like crazy.”
“Don’t worry. You’ll still have Jupiter.”
“Thank God dogs don’t go away to college. It’s going to be pretty quiet.”
“Can we not talk about this right now?”
The school question. God, the school question, where I’d been stuck all my senior year and still was stuck, one of those annoying squares on a board game where you sit and sit until you finally roll the magic number that frees you.
I could hear Mom unzip her makeup
“Clown head,” you said, and pointed.
I didn’t see it. Then I did. “Ha, clown head,” I said. My turn. I pointed now. “Cow.”
“Yeah. His ears there,” you said. Changing white forms on a blue magic slate. What was I, thirteen? I don’t even know. You propped on one elbow to look at me. I propped on one elbow to look at you. Our bodies were lined up, our toes almost touching. And all at once you looked different to me. Not different—the same. The same but more . You held my eyes. You seemed surprised. There was this girl lying next to you. A girl, not just Ben’s sister. And you reached out—you tucked a lock of hair behind my ear. That’s all. You had the tenderness of a good guy already. How did you have that right then? How is that possible? You grew up around horses. You knew how to be gentle, and how to set a firm hand on something skittish. Though, maybe it was just the way you came. Who you are.
“So, Cricket,” you said. “How’d you get your name?” Of course you already knew. Nowhere special. Just something that came from me trying to say my own name when I was small. But you asked like we were first meeting. Teasing me. And you grinned.
And I grinned back. There was this strange energy between us. I felt it. I could almost see it.
At that moment Jupiter righted herself to dig madly with her front paws at something she smelled underground. It ruined the mood ( and the lawn), and I was so embarrassed. You’d seen her do bad stuff a hundred times, but it was something embarrassing all of a sudden.
Later I thought about it over and over, that finger tucking my hair back. Yeah, I must have been thirteen or so, because I remember thinking about it in Senora Becker’s Spanish. Middle school. ¿Dondé está el baño? Senorita Catherine! That finger, my hair, that finger, my hair. Your own crazy hair, swooped down over your forehead. Looking at me intently with those eyes.
I still think about it, that finger. And of course all that happened later.
I will definitely tell Gram and everyone you said hi. Yeah, I’ll tell her you said to behave herself too. And I will give Jupiter a pat hello. Right now she’s looking at me patiently, but like, Cricket, are we done yet, please? Can we turn out the light? I can barely keep my eyes open. Your new boss sounds like an asshole. Really? He made you serve him coffee? And it wasn’t black enough for his taste? He doesn’t deserve you.
I guess after what happened, after what I did, neither do I.
Love always,
Cricket
chapter
six
“Sleepyhead,” Mom said to me as she let me into the shared bathroom the next morning. She was brushing her teeth, and her mouth was all white froth. Sheepyhahd , it sounded like, the mix of words and Ultrabrite with foaming action. She spit, wiped her mouth with her robe sleeve. I hoped Dan Jax knew all her disgusting habits.
“Have you heard of a towel?” I asked.
“Why look for a towel when your sleeve is conveniently located right on your arm?”
“You better not drink from the milk carton when you live with Dan,” I said. “Or the Coke bottle.” I hated when she did that. I went into the tiny adjoining room where the toilet was, shut the door between us.
“I’m supposed to irritate you right now,” she called through the door. “It’ll help us separate when you go away to school.”
“Doing a great job,” I said.
“You could irritate me more, okay, honey? Because I’ll miss you like crazy.”
“Don’t worry. You’ll still have Jupiter.”
“Thank God dogs don’t go away to college. It’s going to be pretty quiet.”
“Can we not talk about this right now?”
The school question. God, the school question, where I’d been stuck all my senior year and still was stuck, one of those annoying squares on a board game where you sit and sit until you finally roll the magic number that frees you.
I could hear Mom unzip her makeup
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