The Things They Cannot Say by Kevin Sites

thinkin’, “I have to shoot them.” I shot six people in less than ten seconds. It’s just what you’ve got to do. That shit goes right out the window. And you don’t have to push.
    [ . . . ]
    KS: If you weren’t gonna be deployed, would you stay in the Marine Corps?
    WW: Yeah. I don’t know if I could do another tour over here. ’Cause the more time you spend here, the more people you wanna kill. Right now, it’s . . . I’m so sick of ’em tearin’ up my buddies, I just wanna kill ’em all. The more time you spend here, the more time you just wanna get in there and kill ’em.
    KS: You think when you get home you’ll be able to turn it off?
    WW: I hope so. [ His face shows uncertainty. ] I really do. My fiancée’s really worried that I’m not gonna come back the same. I’ll never tell her what things I did here. I’ll never tell anybody. ’Cause I’m not proud of killing people. I’m just proud to serve my country. I never understood it until I got here, you know? I never understood any of it, like, you know, “Hey, I’m defending my country. I’m in the Marine Corps.” You don’t defend your country until you do something like this. Then you really understand it. The pride aspect really comes out of it. I hate being here but I love it at the same time. It’s got its ups and downs. I haven’t talked to my fiancée in almost a month. I’m just hoping she’s doing good.
    KS: Wanna use my phone?
    WW: Oh, no, I can’t . . . I can’t do that.
    KS: You’re welcome to.
    WW: Nah, I couldn’t do that.
    KS: I asked . . . I let the guys use them all the time, so . . .
    WW: Maybe if I see you around.
    KS: Yep.
    WW: I—
    KS: But I let a lot of the guys use them, so it’s not a big deal.
    WW: I miss everything out here. Our anniversary. My birthday, her birthday. It’s the last ones, though, man. Six months, I’ll be done. Two months left here.
    KS: What do you have to do when you go back to the States? You have to spend three months . . .  ?
    WW: I’ll be, like, three months left in the Marine Corps? Four months?
    KS: Just process you out?
    WW: I’ll get detached out. I’ll just work at the gym. I’m, like, a real gym buff. I lost thirty-five pounds since I’ve been here, so when I get back I really gotta hit the gym real hard.
    KS: You gonna go back and play football?
    WW: Yeah. I gotta get . . . I weighed two twenty-eight when I got out here, I’m down to about one ninety now. ’Cause I haven’t gotten to touch a gym once.
    KS: That’s hard . . .
    WW: It’s really hard.
    KS: Do you think that some of that anger you have out here, though, is that gonna go back with you, too?
    WW: You just learn how to channel your anger. I think I’ll be all right. I’m so excited to be a civilian that I’m sure it’ll all go away. Like, me and the guy that just got hit, all day today, all we could think today was about goin’ home and gettin’ a Big Mac and spending the night with our fuckin’ . . . our fiancées, you know? It’s all we wanna do, just be normal people. This is his third deployment, you know? I can’t stand it.
    KS: It’s hard to do this?
    WW: It’s not hard to kill people. It’s hard not to get killed. My company’s got so many casualties it’s not even funny.
    KS: Yeah, especially in this event. A lot of casualties . . .
    WW: [ Yelling ] Hey, we’re pushing!
    [ . . . ]
    WW: [ Yelling and directing his fireteam ] Hey, Dar, when you come up here, we’ve got friendlies down here. Hey, we’ve got friendlies down here! Hold up. Hold up! Hey, listen up! We’ve got friendlies down to the south! You hear me? Keep your eye on the rooftops and get low!
    KS: Which city in Washington?
    WW: