The Utterly Uninteresting and Unadventurous Tales of Fred, the Vampire Accountant by Drew Hayes Page A

age, wearing heavy white makeup and a long black trench coat coupled with a corset and leather pants. Her badge told me her character name was Maria, and that she was a vampire like me. The fake fangs I saw a moment later when she spoke assured me that she was definitely a vampire only while this game was in progress.
    “Good evening, Count Fredrick. Our Lord Drake will be so pleased another nightwalker loyal to the cause has joined us this evening,” she said, slurring slightly due to the fangs.
    “Um . . . yay, and verily I hath come?”
    The look she gave me said quite clearly my vampire impression had missed the mark. Luckily for me the girl was a pro; she rolled with it well. “There is no need to imitate the high language, Count Fredrick. Clearly you were turned recently, so this generation’s tongue is your own. Speak freely and comfortably, for our Lord Drake cares nothing of cultural differences, only of loyalty and dedication. We are all equally united under our cause.”
    “Okay . . . thanks. And, you know, just so I know we’re on the same page here, which cause are you talking about? I’m active in a few of them actually. I used to do walks for cancer before the whole turning thing and—”
    Mercifully Maria cut me off with one finger against my lips and one pointing to the red writing on my badge that said “Revivalist.” I finally noticed she had the same writing on her own. The pieces fell into place. Well, admittedly, they were more jammed into place forcefully, but I got the point, and that was what mattered.
    “Oh, yes, right! The true cause. Forgive me, I have not eaten anyone in a few days, and I’ve grown a bit muddled round the temples, if you know what I mean,” I said, thinking on my feet. I really did get foggy when I went a few days without blood, so hopefully that was a part of this vampire mythos as well.
    “Of course, good Count. With the preparations for tonight’s event, all of us have been exceptionally busy. I can hardly fault you for putting the cause’s success over the needs of your own thirst. Worry not, for tonight enough blood shall flow to sate the hunger in all of our throats. But enough talk here . . . we must hurry to meet with Lord Drake. Time is already short, and even the lesser monsters have ears with which to hear,” Maria said, tugging me toward a big cluster of trees.
    We went through that cluster, then through a few more, down a twisting dirt road, and then through more trees. I was making a mental note to myself to take a free night and see just how big this freaking park was when we broke into a clearing. It would have seemed like a natural clearing one might stumble into in a real forest, save for the dozen figures in makeup and the picnic table located in the center.
    “Ah, my maiden Maria returns to us from her mission seeking stragglers,” said a large man wearing a velvet ruffled shirt, a leather cape, and what looked like combat boots.
    “Aye, my Lord Drake, I come bearing Count Fredrick. His invitation to meet us separately from the others of our ilk was lost, so I escorted him to join us tonight,” Maria said, using her jacket to do a curtsey as she spoke. I had to give the girl credit; she was good at this. She knew I had no idea what was going on and had still managed to weave me into this story quite nicely.
    “Arise, my servant,” said the large man who I could only surmise was Lord Drake. “We have much to do this eve, and so precious little time to do it.” Lord Drake turned to me. “And you, good Count, we thank you for your support. As you can see, our force is small, so we shall seek victory through strategy and cunning.  A single, loyal vampire may very well be the difference between success and failure.”
    Lord Drake walked back over to the picnic table and settled down his considerable heft. The other “vampires” followed suit, so I made my way over as well. I had no idea what Krystal was up to, but it seemed like my best