The Utterly Uninteresting and Unadventurous Tales of Fred, the Vampire Accountant by Drew Hayes
Authors: Drew Hayes
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own voice. Ah, well then, that made the accent quite appropriate. I wondered for a moment just how much time she put into preparing for this role. This short thought process was interrupted as she took my hand once more.
“Looks like they’re almost ready to start,” she said, slipping back into her character tones. “Come on. Let’s go mingle!”
3.
“All right, everyone, thank you all for checking in,” Neil the Game Master said as he climbed back atop his soapbox to address us. Something about this kid still struck me as weird. It wasn’t the clothing or the style either; he was odd, but nowhere near the weirdest guy in attendance. It’s just something in the way he moved. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I knew it was there. I didn’t really pay that much mind to it, though. I mean, after all, I was a vampire who hid the fact that he was a vampire who was standing in a park pretending to be the thing that I usually pretend I’m not. Who was I to throw stones at weird?
“Before we begin, I just want to go over the rules on your sheets so that everyone knows the system, and we can all have fun. To start with, we do not do realistic battle simulations here. I saw some of you bring your foam weapons, but, unfortunately, we’ve had some lawsuit trouble in the past and have decided it’s not worth the risk. Any fighting will be resolved by a match of rock-paper-scissors. If you fight someone of the same race, then it will be a best 2-out-of-3 match to represent how much more difficult these fights are,” Neil said, reading from his sheet out to the crowd. I heard mumbles as a few costumed participants set down large, foam-weapon recreations on the ground, faces all but dripping in disappointment. Albert scuttled around swiftly gathering up the weapons and setting them on the folding table where the badges had been.
“Now then, aside from combat, all of you have your own powers and abilities. These are written on the backs of your badges should you forget or need to prove to another player this is a power you really possess. Success is considered automatic, unless another player has immunity to that particular ability. In cases where a player with a power deals with another player who only has a resistance to that power, and not an immunity, we will again be going to the rock-paper-scissors method of resolving who comes out on top,” Neil continued. If that made no sense to you, don’t feel bad. I was slack-jawed and flummoxed by the time he finished that part. I simply hoped I would either figure it out as I played or be gone soon enough that it wouldn’t matter.
“Last, but certainly not least, this is a Live Action Role Playing game. All of you being of different races and factions have gathered here as the new emperor of the city requested to try and forge an alliance between the various supernatural cultures living in his domain. For this to be the most enjoyable event it can be, I ask that you truly commit to your roles. Do not break character unless it is a vital emergency. In this way, we can forget the names we have behind our badges and truly immerse ourselves into tonight’s identities.” I had to admit, I was a touch envious; this kid was a better public speaker than I had ever been. I’d tried to correct that particular failing on many occasions, each an unmitigated disaster, often with gastrointestinal consequences. “And now, I’ll ask you to meet up with those of your race and faction as you arrive at the emperor’s ball. When I step down from here, the game has begun, and I am your ruler: Emperor Nikolai.”
He didn’t step down as much as hop, but the symbolism was there, and we got the message. I turned to ask Krystal what I should do now, only to find her gone. I whipped my head around looking for her, but before I could do more than look to my side, a small hand grabbed me by the shoulder.
The small hand belonged to a proportionally small woman, maybe early twenties in
“Looks like they’re almost ready to start,” she said, slipping back into her character tones. “Come on. Let’s go mingle!”
3.
“All right, everyone, thank you all for checking in,” Neil the Game Master said as he climbed back atop his soapbox to address us. Something about this kid still struck me as weird. It wasn’t the clothing or the style either; he was odd, but nowhere near the weirdest guy in attendance. It’s just something in the way he moved. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I knew it was there. I didn’t really pay that much mind to it, though. I mean, after all, I was a vampire who hid the fact that he was a vampire who was standing in a park pretending to be the thing that I usually pretend I’m not. Who was I to throw stones at weird?
“Before we begin, I just want to go over the rules on your sheets so that everyone knows the system, and we can all have fun. To start with, we do not do realistic battle simulations here. I saw some of you bring your foam weapons, but, unfortunately, we’ve had some lawsuit trouble in the past and have decided it’s not worth the risk. Any fighting will be resolved by a match of rock-paper-scissors. If you fight someone of the same race, then it will be a best 2-out-of-3 match to represent how much more difficult these fights are,” Neil said, reading from his sheet out to the crowd. I heard mumbles as a few costumed participants set down large, foam-weapon recreations on the ground, faces all but dripping in disappointment. Albert scuttled around swiftly gathering up the weapons and setting them on the folding table where the badges had been.
“Now then, aside from combat, all of you have your own powers and abilities. These are written on the backs of your badges should you forget or need to prove to another player this is a power you really possess. Success is considered automatic, unless another player has immunity to that particular ability. In cases where a player with a power deals with another player who only has a resistance to that power, and not an immunity, we will again be going to the rock-paper-scissors method of resolving who comes out on top,” Neil continued. If that made no sense to you, don’t feel bad. I was slack-jawed and flummoxed by the time he finished that part. I simply hoped I would either figure it out as I played or be gone soon enough that it wouldn’t matter.
“Last, but certainly not least, this is a Live Action Role Playing game. All of you being of different races and factions have gathered here as the new emperor of the city requested to try and forge an alliance between the various supernatural cultures living in his domain. For this to be the most enjoyable event it can be, I ask that you truly commit to your roles. Do not break character unless it is a vital emergency. In this way, we can forget the names we have behind our badges and truly immerse ourselves into tonight’s identities.” I had to admit, I was a touch envious; this kid was a better public speaker than I had ever been. I’d tried to correct that particular failing on many occasions, each an unmitigated disaster, often with gastrointestinal consequences. “And now, I’ll ask you to meet up with those of your race and faction as you arrive at the emperor’s ball. When I step down from here, the game has begun, and I am your ruler: Emperor Nikolai.”
He didn’t step down as much as hop, but the symbolism was there, and we got the message. I turned to ask Krystal what I should do now, only to find her gone. I whipped my head around looking for her, but before I could do more than look to my side, a small hand grabbed me by the shoulder.
The small hand belonged to a proportionally small woman, maybe early twenties in
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