The Way to a Woman's Heart by Christina Jones

roof with the sexiest man in the universe – even if he
might
be gay – by a ball python. How cool was that?
    Not cool at all, her inner voice reminded her. Remember, you’ve got Mark and more complications than any girl needs…
    ‘Ella!’ Poll’s voice echoed up the stairs. ‘That was BillyBooker on the phone. Because I got the dates muddled, he’s arriving the day after tomorrow instead of next week, and I’ve managed to ring Trixie too, just to check what dates she had, and she’s coming the day after tomorrow too. Isn’t that wonderfully convenient?’
    As she had no idea who Billy and Trixie were, Ella made a murmur of assent. ‘Er, yes. That sounds, um, perfect.’
    ‘So,’ Poll continued cheerfully, ‘we’ll have one day to get to know each other better, and then another day of complete mayhem to look forward to.’
    ‘Oh, yes – lovely.’
    ‘And if Roy is happily installed,’ Poll’s voice echoed up the stairs, ‘is Ash ready for lunch yet? Everything’s wilting, including me.’
    ‘I think so,’ Ella called back. ‘I’ll just ask him.’
    Ash surveyed the mountains of luggage strewn around his room and nodded. ‘Actually, I’m starving so I’ll leave this lot until later. I’ll just ring Onyx and let her know Roy and I have arrived safely, then I’ll come down and find you.’
    ‘Onyx?’
    Ash nodded, flicking through numbers on his mobile. ‘She used to work with Roy – I think I mentioned it earlier? He shared in her stage act and she really loved him, but she wasn’t happy about it from a welfare point of view so she gave him to me.’
    Ella nodded, walking – she hoped – casually towards the door. ‘Oh, of course, that famous double act: Morecambe and Wise, Cannon and Ball, Ant and Dec, Onyx and Roy – they just trip off the tongue.’
    Ash laughed as he lifted his mobile. ‘You’re really funny. I do love a girl with a – Oh, hi…’
    Ella, really, really not wanting to hear Ash cooing seductively at Onyx-the-stripper, who she hoped against hope was really called Olive and looked like a welder, stomped downstairs.
    ‘Blimey.’ Poll frowned in the hall. ‘What’s up with you? Oh – Roy hasn’t escaped or bitten anyone has he?’
    ‘No, Roy’s nicely at home in his secure snake pit.’
    ‘Thank goodness for that, but I thought you and the superb Mr Lawrence were getting on just fine?’
    ‘We were… are… were.’ Ella swung crossly round the newel post. ‘And, on the plus side, he makes divine soups and wants to cook for us in your kitchen, and he’s another
Dewberrys’ Dinners
fan. And still on the plus side, he thinks I’m funny. Oh, and on the plus side again, he definitely isn’t gay.’
    ‘Really?’ Poll chuckled. ‘There’s a mercy. London boyfriend in the picture or not, you’d clearly be hell to live with if he was. And all those pluses sound pretty good to me. So, do I sense a minus coming up?’
    ‘Oh, yes, a big, big, b-i-g minus. About a nanosecond after finding out he wasn’t gay I discover he has a girlfriend.’
    ‘And you’ve got a boyfriend,’ Poll pointed out reasonably.
    ‘Yes, but it’s not the same thing at all. Mark’s just a normal bloke with a normal job.
He’s
involved with an exotic dancer called – can you believe it? – Onyx.’
    ‘Pretty name. Did he tell you she was his girlfriend?’
    ‘I didn’t ask – anyway, there was no need. He went allsoppy on the phone. A girl knows these things. And I bet she can do the splits and cartwheels and everything. And,’ Ella said quickly, ‘if you laugh, I’ll resign now before I’ve even got started and be back in London before you can say “glittery G-string”.’
    ‘I wouldn’t dream of laughing.’ Poll laughed. ‘Ooh, sorry, but it is quite funny.’
    ‘Is it?’
    ‘Yes, well, Ash goes from gay to heterosexual in the blink of an eye and Roy is replaced by Onyx – and you’re still frowning. Sorry, I’m not laughing at you, honestly. And as