The Wedding: A Family's Coming Out Story by Doug Wythe, Andrew Merling, Roslyn Merling, Sheldon Merling

the bag was closed, I didn’t think she could get
into it! It wasn’t my fault!”
    My father was having none of it, and just kept
needling me with variations of the same accusations. “It’s so thoughtless! We
can’t depend on you for anything!”
    “Don’t you think I feel awful, don’t you think I
feel badly that I did this?!”
    Defending myself was a waste of time. He just
came back at me again, shouting, utterly out of control.
    By now my mother was trying to calm him, I think
because she realized he was overreacting. “Sheldon, it’s not his fault!” Still,
he was spewing a stream of accusations, and wouldn’t let up.
    Finally, I shouted back in tears, with language
I’d never used before at home, “You’re a fucking asshole!” and ran up to my
room.
    A few days later, I tried again to say the words
to my father. We sat down together in the den, just the two of us. I looked at
him, and said it simply. “I think you know why I want to talk to you.  I’m
gay.”
    Despite the ugly scene of the other night, I
knew somehow that he would now react calmly, and offer support, and if he felt
some reservations or even anguish, he would keep it private. And that’s just
what he did.
     
    SHELDON    When Andrew said he
wanted to speak to me, it was the same week that he told Roslyn, but it wasn’t
the same day, or even the day after. It seemed he had anticipated that Roslyn
had spoken to me. He told me simply, “I’m gay.”
    “I can’t say that I’m thrilled, but I accept you
for what you are. And I love you just as much.” I didn’t say just how much
guilt and pain I’d been feeling since I’d heard the news.
    Andrew replied, “I’m not so happy myself. Do you
think I would choose this if I had a choice? I know it’ll make things more
difficult for me in my profession, in my life.”
    No matter what my disappointments were, it never
crossed my mind that Andrew’s sexuality could change. I think I’m sophisticated
enough to realize that fact, even without claiming to understand exactly what
caused him to be gay in the first place.
     
    ROSLYN     Later, we talked about
who we’d share this news with. I said I didn’t want to keep it to myself, and
that became a bone of contention between me and Sheldon. If we were all
together, eating at home, and I said someone should know Andrew was gay,
Sheldon would change the subject, leave the table. If the two of us were alone,
and I brought it up, Sheldon would say, “Why do you have to talk about that
now?”  He had a really hard time talking about Andrew. It was just too painful.
     
    ANDREW    It was clear that my
father had one overwhelming preoccupation, a concern that caught me by
surprise.
    “What’s your understanding of why people are
gay?” he asked.
    I said the usual things about the nature vs.
nurture debate. He wanted more. Absolution, perhaps.
    Then my father offered what were surely intended
as words of comfort, and to some degree, they were. “I just want you to be
happy.  I’m not saying I’m glad to hear this. I would rather you were
straight.”
    Again, though, he returned to the apparent
bottom line. Was it his fault? “Do you think it had anything to do with
anything I did, or didn’t do for you?”
    “No.”  Since he’d offered me solace, it seemed
it was my turn. Although I exonerated him quickly, my heart wasn’t in it. On
one hand, I didn’t like the feeling of having to acquit him, while I failed to
see the crime. At the same time, if he wanted to talk non-judgmentally about
responsibility, my feelings were conflicted.
    I had long regarded him as distant. The “distant
father, smothering mother” theory that’s been used for decades to ascribe guilt
to parents hadn’t yet been discredited. I didn’t necessarily believe that was
why I was gay, but I wasn’t prepared to reject that possibly yet, either.
    When I was much younger, six, seven, eight,
years old, my father was loving, very attentive to