to nick a chocolate bar, at least make it a Twix.’
‘Oh, Ray.’ Mum grabs a tea towel and whips Dad lightly with it. ‘You shouldn’t encourage them.’
‘I’m not, but if a job’s worth doing, it’s worth doing well.’
I leave them to it, taking my cup of coffee upstairs to change into my gym kit.
‘Was it really that bad?’ Lauren asks as we stroll along side-by-side on the treadmills. This is the first time I’ve seen Lauren since The Worst Date Ever as I was too humiliated to relay what happened to my friends the next day and there was no way I was turning up to the pub quiz last night. Lauren and Ryan went without me and, for the first time ever, they didn’t come last. They came second-to-last, which isn’t anything to get mega excited about but it’s still an improvement. I’m not sure what to make of it. Does my presence bring down the intelligence of the group as a whole? Or was it a badly-timed fluke?
‘It really was that bad.’ I cringe just thinking about my date with Dan. ‘Worse, even. His friend soiled himself, for goodness’ sake!’
‘What were the band like? Any good? Because if they were anything like McBusted, a little poopy pantage is forgivable.’
‘Oh, Lauren.’ I sigh, long and heavy. ‘They were awful.’ The band consisted of drummer Dan, two keyboardists, Gary and Doodle (who shared the same keyboard and played it between them, sometimes seemingly at random), acoustic guitarist Mickey (whose guitar had a missing string), lead singer Leona and tambourinist, Tris. Munch didn’t seem to have a role other than leaping around and being a bell-end.
‘It was like at primary school, when the teacher hands out instruments and there’s just noise. I half expected them to burst into “The Wheels on the Bus”.’
Lauren presses her lips together and I know she’s desperately holding in a giggle. I’m mad at her for half a second, annoyed that she finds my misery entertaining. But then I picture Munch performing a flying kick, making contact with the edge of a nearby table and falling flat on his back before being showered with some poor bugger’s pint and I find myself sniggering. I catch Lauren’s eye and that’s it, we’re pissing ourselves laughing on the treadmill, clutching the rail with one hand and our stomachs with the other.
‘So you won’t be going on a second date with Dan then?’
‘Absolutely not.’ The laughter drains away now. ‘What am I going to do? How am I going to face him at the pub?’ Some may say that finding a new local is a bit drastic, but I’m not convinced I’m one of those people.
‘How did the date end? Did Dan think it was a success?’
I close my eyes but it makes me feel dizzy on the treadmill so I open them again. ‘He thought it went great. He wants to see me again.’
‘What did you say?’
‘I didn’t say anything. I pretended I had a phone call, said there was an emergency with my gran and ran.’
‘He probably knows you don’t want to see him again then.’ Lauren’s voice is matter-of-fact, absolutely sure with no wriggle room at all. ‘That’s the oldest trick in the book. You’re in the clear. The only thing you need to do now is find a replacement.’ Lauren suddenly yelps and batters the buttons on her treadmill, which quickly picks up speed. By the time fitness instructor Courtney wanders by, Lauren’s legs are pelting away, her ginger ponytail rhythmically swinging in time with her pumping arms. She stares straight ahead, her breathing controlled.
‘All clear,’ I say once Courtney is out of view. Lauren hits the emergency stop button and slumps against the machine, wheezing and panting and praying for death.
‘I need to sit down,’ Lauren rasps, so we step off the treadmill and make our way to the rowing machines. We move in rhythm, but there’s no effort involved at all.
‘So you need to find a new man to date.’ It’s ten minutes later and Lauren can finally converse without
‘Oh, Ray.’ Mum grabs a tea towel and whips Dad lightly with it. ‘You shouldn’t encourage them.’
‘I’m not, but if a job’s worth doing, it’s worth doing well.’
I leave them to it, taking my cup of coffee upstairs to change into my gym kit.
‘Was it really that bad?’ Lauren asks as we stroll along side-by-side on the treadmills. This is the first time I’ve seen Lauren since The Worst Date Ever as I was too humiliated to relay what happened to my friends the next day and there was no way I was turning up to the pub quiz last night. Lauren and Ryan went without me and, for the first time ever, they didn’t come last. They came second-to-last, which isn’t anything to get mega excited about but it’s still an improvement. I’m not sure what to make of it. Does my presence bring down the intelligence of the group as a whole? Or was it a badly-timed fluke?
‘It really was that bad.’ I cringe just thinking about my date with Dan. ‘Worse, even. His friend soiled himself, for goodness’ sake!’
‘What were the band like? Any good? Because if they were anything like McBusted, a little poopy pantage is forgivable.’
‘Oh, Lauren.’ I sigh, long and heavy. ‘They were awful.’ The band consisted of drummer Dan, two keyboardists, Gary and Doodle (who shared the same keyboard and played it between them, sometimes seemingly at random), acoustic guitarist Mickey (whose guitar had a missing string), lead singer Leona and tambourinist, Tris. Munch didn’t seem to have a role other than leaping around and being a bell-end.
‘It was like at primary school, when the teacher hands out instruments and there’s just noise. I half expected them to burst into “The Wheels on the Bus”.’
Lauren presses her lips together and I know she’s desperately holding in a giggle. I’m mad at her for half a second, annoyed that she finds my misery entertaining. But then I picture Munch performing a flying kick, making contact with the edge of a nearby table and falling flat on his back before being showered with some poor bugger’s pint and I find myself sniggering. I catch Lauren’s eye and that’s it, we’re pissing ourselves laughing on the treadmill, clutching the rail with one hand and our stomachs with the other.
‘So you won’t be going on a second date with Dan then?’
‘Absolutely not.’ The laughter drains away now. ‘What am I going to do? How am I going to face him at the pub?’ Some may say that finding a new local is a bit drastic, but I’m not convinced I’m one of those people.
‘How did the date end? Did Dan think it was a success?’
I close my eyes but it makes me feel dizzy on the treadmill so I open them again. ‘He thought it went great. He wants to see me again.’
‘What did you say?’
‘I didn’t say anything. I pretended I had a phone call, said there was an emergency with my gran and ran.’
‘He probably knows you don’t want to see him again then.’ Lauren’s voice is matter-of-fact, absolutely sure with no wriggle room at all. ‘That’s the oldest trick in the book. You’re in the clear. The only thing you need to do now is find a replacement.’ Lauren suddenly yelps and batters the buttons on her treadmill, which quickly picks up speed. By the time fitness instructor Courtney wanders by, Lauren’s legs are pelting away, her ginger ponytail rhythmically swinging in time with her pumping arms. She stares straight ahead, her breathing controlled.
‘All clear,’ I say once Courtney is out of view. Lauren hits the emergency stop button and slumps against the machine, wheezing and panting and praying for death.
‘I need to sit down,’ Lauren rasps, so we step off the treadmill and make our way to the rowing machines. We move in rhythm, but there’s no effort involved at all.
‘So you need to find a new man to date.’ It’s ten minutes later and Lauren can finally converse without
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