second day, he said he had to work late. By the third day,
she was convinced she’d finally succeeded in pushing him away for good.
However, he came that night and every night that followed, but he was quiet and
withdrawn.
Carly could feel him pulling away from
her, as if he was preparing himself for the long months of separation that
loomed on the horizon. When they were down to just two days before his departure,
she decided she couldn’t stand his brooding silence for another minute. She
wrote, “Talk to me.”
After a long pause, he said, “I’ve made a
decision.” His face was set into a hard expression that frightened her.
“What?”
“When I leave here the day after
tomorrow, I’m not coming back. Ever.”
“WHY?”
“I need that fresh start we talked about.
I need to get away from here, away from all the bad memories.”
“Away from me?”
“No.” He reached for her hand. “I want
you to come with me. I’ve told you that every way I know how. Even if you don’t
go to school, you could live with me and be with me. You’re choosing not to.
Now I have to make my choices.”
“What about your parents?” she asked as a
feeling of desperation unlike anything she had ever experienced settled over
her heart.
“They understand if I keep coming back
here every few months I’ll never get over what happened. So they’ll come to me.
They have no more desire to celebrate holidays in that house than I do. We’ll
go skiing for Christmas or take a cruise, maybe. I don’t know. We haven’t
decided yet.”
Carly forced herself to ask the only
question that mattered. “What about us?”
He swallowed hard. “If you force me to
leave here without you, if you do that to me, Carly, there is no more us.”
She dissolved into deep but silent sobs
that shook her body. The pad slipped off her lap and landed with a thump on the
porch.
He gathered her into his arms. “I love
you with all my heart, and I always will. But I can’t put my life on hold until
you work out whatever it is you’ve got going on. I lost my brother, Carly, and
all my best friends except for you. I saw the same things you did—the same
horrible things—yet I’ve managed to go on. I don’t understand why you can’t do
that, too.” He brushed away her tears and then his own. “I know you loved Sam,
but he was my little brother. I loved him more than you did. I sound
like a jerk for even saying that, because this certainly isn’t a contest, but
my loss was bigger than yours.”
Carly was filled with shame, because she
knew he was right. But knowing it didn’t explain why her reaction was so
disproportionate. There was no explanation. She caressed his face and tried to
convey how she felt with the eyes he read so well.
“Think about what I said. I’ve got a ton
of stuff to do tomorrow, so I won’t see you, but I’ll come by before I leave on
Thursday morning. My parents are driving out with me and flying back. If you
change your mind, there’ll be room for you in the car.” He kissed her cheek and
then her lips. “It’s time to step up, Carly. If you love me like you say you
do, it’s time to fight for us.”
Filled with despair, she watched him go.
He was doing what he needed to do to survive, and she understood that—better
than anyone else possibly could. But after more than four years of loving him
so desperately, how would she ever live without him? What kind of life did she
have to look forward to if it didn’t include him?
She lay awake for two nights trying to
marshal the strength she needed to overcome her fears and regain control of her
life. She tried to visualize herself walking through the gate and getting into
the car with Brian and his parents. But then she would remember how the fire
had consumed her friends, and she knew there was no way she could get into a
car. As the sun rose on the day he was due to leave, she accepted that she
couldn’t do it, even for him. She wasn’t ready. Maybe one day
she was convinced she’d finally succeeded in pushing him away for good.
However, he came that night and every night that followed, but he was quiet and
withdrawn.
Carly could feel him pulling away from
her, as if he was preparing himself for the long months of separation that
loomed on the horizon. When they were down to just two days before his departure,
she decided she couldn’t stand his brooding silence for another minute. She
wrote, “Talk to me.”
After a long pause, he said, “I’ve made a
decision.” His face was set into a hard expression that frightened her.
“What?”
“When I leave here the day after
tomorrow, I’m not coming back. Ever.”
“WHY?”
“I need that fresh start we talked about.
I need to get away from here, away from all the bad memories.”
“Away from me?”
“No.” He reached for her hand. “I want
you to come with me. I’ve told you that every way I know how. Even if you don’t
go to school, you could live with me and be with me. You’re choosing not to.
Now I have to make my choices.”
“What about your parents?” she asked as a
feeling of desperation unlike anything she had ever experienced settled over
her heart.
“They understand if I keep coming back
here every few months I’ll never get over what happened. So they’ll come to me.
They have no more desire to celebrate holidays in that house than I do. We’ll
go skiing for Christmas or take a cruise, maybe. I don’t know. We haven’t
decided yet.”
Carly forced herself to ask the only
question that mattered. “What about us?”
He swallowed hard. “If you force me to
leave here without you, if you do that to me, Carly, there is no more us.”
She dissolved into deep but silent sobs
that shook her body. The pad slipped off her lap and landed with a thump on the
porch.
He gathered her into his arms. “I love
you with all my heart, and I always will. But I can’t put my life on hold until
you work out whatever it is you’ve got going on. I lost my brother, Carly, and
all my best friends except for you. I saw the same things you did—the same
horrible things—yet I’ve managed to go on. I don’t understand why you can’t do
that, too.” He brushed away her tears and then his own. “I know you loved Sam,
but he was my little brother. I loved him more than you did. I sound
like a jerk for even saying that, because this certainly isn’t a contest, but
my loss was bigger than yours.”
Carly was filled with shame, because she
knew he was right. But knowing it didn’t explain why her reaction was so
disproportionate. There was no explanation. She caressed his face and tried to
convey how she felt with the eyes he read so well.
“Think about what I said. I’ve got a ton
of stuff to do tomorrow, so I won’t see you, but I’ll come by before I leave on
Thursday morning. My parents are driving out with me and flying back. If you
change your mind, there’ll be room for you in the car.” He kissed her cheek and
then her lips. “It’s time to step up, Carly. If you love me like you say you
do, it’s time to fight for us.”
Filled with despair, she watched him go.
He was doing what he needed to do to survive, and she understood that—better
than anyone else possibly could. But after more than four years of loving him
so desperately, how would she ever live without him? What kind of life did she
have to look forward to if it didn’t include him?
She lay awake for two nights trying to
marshal the strength she needed to overcome her fears and regain control of her
life. She tried to visualize herself walking through the gate and getting into
the car with Brian and his parents. But then she would remember how the fire
had consumed her friends, and she knew there was no way she could get into a
car. As the sun rose on the day he was due to leave, she accepted that she
couldn’t do it, even for him. She wasn’t ready. Maybe one day
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