that.’
‘I know I don’t. But I never blamed you. Never.’
Matthew seemed surprised enough by this to gently relinquish her grasp. ‘Fuck,’ he said, rubbing a hand across his face in apparent confusion. ‘None of this is making sense in my head.’
‘Did you come here expecting me to hate you?’
‘Yes,’ he said simply, and then became quite still. They were both now staring helplessly into the eyes of their past, unable to change a thing.
‘I don’t hate you,’ she said. It was only a half-sentence, and she wanted to finish it, but she swallowed back the words just in time.
Matthew moved forward then and pulled her into an unexpected hug. She slipped her arms round his waist in return, burying her head against his shoulder with the same quiet ease as she used to. His body felt almost exactly the same as it had all those years ago – more muscular, perhaps, but otherwise just the same.
‘Sorry,’ he mumbled into her hair. ‘Just tell me to get off.’
She shook her head against his chest and they stayed like that for maybe thirty seconds, breathing in sync, before he finally pulled away.
He took her hand and they sat down next to each other on the sofa, knees almost but not quite touching. Smudge trotted over from his usual spot next to the hearth and positioned himself with satisfaction on top of Matthew’s feet, claiming him for the duration of his visit, however long that should happen to be.
‘Yesterday, Jess,’ Matthew said, ‘when I saw it was you …’ He ran a hand backwards over his head, a gesture of lingering disbelief. ‘I’m so sorry I let them cart you off like that. I have never wanted anyone to be carted off less in my entire life.’
She waited, sensing there was more to come.
‘But Natalie … my girlfriend … she doesn’t know. She doesn’t know about my past. And neither does my daughter, obviously.’ He winced, like it pained him to admit it. ‘I was planning on being at the food fair alone yesterday because I wanted to see you. But then at the last minute Natalie said she’d join me.’ He shot her a half-smile of resignation. ‘She normally hates things like that.’
‘How can she not know about us?’ Jess whispered, like she was afraid Natalie might somehow be able to hear them.
‘She was out of the country at the time it all happened, working in New York. She completely missed the whole thing. And I just … never got round to telling her. So now I inhabit this weird little world where I’m half normal person, half paranoid wreck. I regret not telling her, obviously, but now it’s too late. If she found out … well, I’d never see my daughter again, for one.’
‘You really can’t … ?’
‘No,’ he said quickly. ‘I’ve come close to telling her,sometimes. But that kind of thing … it’s not Natalie’s bag, if you know what I mean.’
Not Natalie’s bag
. Like they were discussing gangsta rap or anti-establishment rallies.
‘You don’t have to explain anything to me,’ she said.
‘Well, I think an explanation’s the least you deserve, Jess. Not that I’m doing a particularly great job at it.’
She wanted to take his hand again, to reassure him if that was even possible, but as she looked down she noticed that he was wearing a bracelet, woven in black leather and fitting snugly round his tanned wrist.
The sight of it coursed through her chest like electricity.
Attempting and failing to swallow, she began to produce words at a previously unvisited pitch. ‘Do you wear that all the time,’ she asked him, nodding down towards his wrist, ‘or is today a special occasion?’
Following her gaze, he paused for a couple of seconds, like he was trying to work out what to say. ‘Both,’ he replied eventually. ‘I’ve worn it every day for the last seventeen years. But, yes – today feels …’ He paused. ‘Slightly extraordinary.’
‘I can’t believe it’s lasted all this time.’
He cleared his throat before
‘I know I don’t. But I never blamed you. Never.’
Matthew seemed surprised enough by this to gently relinquish her grasp. ‘Fuck,’ he said, rubbing a hand across his face in apparent confusion. ‘None of this is making sense in my head.’
‘Did you come here expecting me to hate you?’
‘Yes,’ he said simply, and then became quite still. They were both now staring helplessly into the eyes of their past, unable to change a thing.
‘I don’t hate you,’ she said. It was only a half-sentence, and she wanted to finish it, but she swallowed back the words just in time.
Matthew moved forward then and pulled her into an unexpected hug. She slipped her arms round his waist in return, burying her head against his shoulder with the same quiet ease as she used to. His body felt almost exactly the same as it had all those years ago – more muscular, perhaps, but otherwise just the same.
‘Sorry,’ he mumbled into her hair. ‘Just tell me to get off.’
She shook her head against his chest and they stayed like that for maybe thirty seconds, breathing in sync, before he finally pulled away.
He took her hand and they sat down next to each other on the sofa, knees almost but not quite touching. Smudge trotted over from his usual spot next to the hearth and positioned himself with satisfaction on top of Matthew’s feet, claiming him for the duration of his visit, however long that should happen to be.
‘Yesterday, Jess,’ Matthew said, ‘when I saw it was you …’ He ran a hand backwards over his head, a gesture of lingering disbelief. ‘I’m so sorry I let them cart you off like that. I have never wanted anyone to be carted off less in my entire life.’
She waited, sensing there was more to come.
‘But Natalie … my girlfriend … she doesn’t know. She doesn’t know about my past. And neither does my daughter, obviously.’ He winced, like it pained him to admit it. ‘I was planning on being at the food fair alone yesterday because I wanted to see you. But then at the last minute Natalie said she’d join me.’ He shot her a half-smile of resignation. ‘She normally hates things like that.’
‘How can she not know about us?’ Jess whispered, like she was afraid Natalie might somehow be able to hear them.
‘She was out of the country at the time it all happened, working in New York. She completely missed the whole thing. And I just … never got round to telling her. So now I inhabit this weird little world where I’m half normal person, half paranoid wreck. I regret not telling her, obviously, but now it’s too late. If she found out … well, I’d never see my daughter again, for one.’
‘You really can’t … ?’
‘No,’ he said quickly. ‘I’ve come close to telling her,sometimes. But that kind of thing … it’s not Natalie’s bag, if you know what I mean.’
Not Natalie’s bag
. Like they were discussing gangsta rap or anti-establishment rallies.
‘You don’t have to explain anything to me,’ she said.
‘Well, I think an explanation’s the least you deserve, Jess. Not that I’m doing a particularly great job at it.’
She wanted to take his hand again, to reassure him if that was even possible, but as she looked down she noticed that he was wearing a bracelet, woven in black leather and fitting snugly round his tanned wrist.
The sight of it coursed through her chest like electricity.
Attempting and failing to swallow, she began to produce words at a previously unvisited pitch. ‘Do you wear that all the time,’ she asked him, nodding down towards his wrist, ‘or is today a special occasion?’
Following her gaze, he paused for a couple of seconds, like he was trying to work out what to say. ‘Both,’ he replied eventually. ‘I’ve worn it every day for the last seventeen years. But, yes – today feels …’ He paused. ‘Slightly extraordinary.’
‘I can’t believe it’s lasted all this time.’
He cleared his throat before
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