Troubles and Treats by Tara Sivec Page B

you want it, eventually you’ll get back
     into the flow of things and really start to want it.”
    Does Drew really think I don’t want him anymore?  I don’t want him to think that.
    “Drew is never going to buy it.  He’s going to know right away if I fake an orgasm.”
    Claire and Liz burst out laughing.
    “You’re kidding right?  There is no possible way he would ever know,” Liz informs
     me.
    “Oh believe me, Drew would know.  He says he can feel it when I come.  He says my
     vagina squeezes him if he’s inside me, and it tastes different if he’s going down
     on me,” I tell them.
    “What the fuck are you ingesting before you have sex that he can taste it, straight
     gasoline?” Liz asks.
    “Why would Drew lie to me about something like that?”
    “Why wouldn’t Drew lie to you about something like that?  Every woman has asked her guy if he can
     tell when she’s coming.  We don’t ask because we want to know if he can feel just
     how amazing it is and thereby boost his ego because he can get you off.  We ask just
     to make sure he can’t tell so when we fake it, he won’t be the wiser.  Even though we all have the same
     working body parts, every guy’s answer is usually different.  Proving that they have
     no idea, aside from the sounds we make,” Liz explains.
    “Carter told me he can tell when I’m coming because I start breathing faster.  I’m
     usually breathing faster because I’m tired as shit and out of shape and I think my
     heart is going to give out,” Claire says.
    “Jim told me he knows because I always smack his ass right before I come.  I do that
     so he’ll hurry the fuck up because I want to go to sleep or because Top Chef is coming
     on,” Liz adds.
    I stare at both women in shock and cannot believe this has been happening all these
     years, and I've known nothing about it.  I had never known women faked orgasms with
     their husbands.  It makes no sense to me.  Why would you marry someone if they couldn’t
     give you an orgasm?  Liz and Claire’s marriages are solid as a rock though, so they
     must be on to something.
    “Fine, get to the faking part so I can see what this is all about.”
    “It will be my fake pleasure,” Liz says with a smile as she fast forwards the movie.
     
    ~
     
    An hour and a half later, we’re sitting at a local hole in the wall bar a few blocks
     from Liz and Claire’s shop, and I’m still in shock by that movie.
    “I mean, it was so real ,” I tell them in awe.
    “I know, right?  You would have totally thought Billy Crystal was giving it to Meg
     Ryan under the table,” Liz says as she drinks the last of her beer and signals the
     waitress for another round.
    We decide that since we were without children or husbands we should make the most
     of it and get some drinks.  Plus, the girls are convinced that a little liquid courage
     will help with the faking I plan on testing out this evening, but they have yet to
     order me any.
    The waitress comes to our table a few minutes later and Claire and Liz each order
     another beer.
    “I’ll take whatever size Liquid Courage you have on draft,” I tell her with a smile.
    “I’m sorry, what?” the waitress asks in confusion.
    “I don’t know. My friends told me to order it.  Do you guys not have it?  Maybe it’s
     new.”
    Liz leans over and covers my mouth with her hand.  “Just bring her a drink with the
     highest proof alcohol you’ve got.”
    Claire is laughing and typing something into her cell phone.
    “What are you doing?  Are you putting that on Facebook?  Don’t you dare!  How was
     I supposed to know it wasn’t a brand of beer?” I complain.
    “Actually, that isn’t a bad idea.  I wonder if I could market my own beer for the
     shop.  Liquid Courage: helping men get laid for centuries.” Claire laughs as she slips
     her cell phone back in her purse.
    The waitress comes back with the girls' beers and a shot glass filled with a pinkish