Truly Tasteless Jokes Two by Blanche Knott

who’s had an abortion?
    Decaffeinated.
    *
    What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
They both like a tight seal.
    *
    What’s the last thing that goes through a bug’s mind before hitting the windshield at 80 mph?
Its asshole.
    *
    A man was surprised by the sight of a fellow walking down the sidewalk holding a three-legged pig on a leash. Unable to restrain his curiosity, he crossed the street and said to the guy, “That’s quite a pig you have there.”
    “Let me tell you about this pig,” said the guy. “This pig is the most amazing animal that ever lived. Why, one night my house caught on fire when my wife and I were out, and this pig carried my three children to safety and put out the fire before the firemen could get there.”
    “Wow!” said the first man. “But what about—”
    “And that’s not all,” interrupted the guy. “My house was broken into when my wife and I were sound asleep, and this pig had the valuables back in place and the thief in a half nelson before we got to the bottom of the stairs.”
    “That’s pretty impressive,” conceded his listener. “But how come—”
    “And listen to this!” burst in the guy. “When I fell through some thin ice while skating, this pig dove in and pulled me out and safely to shore. This pig saved my life!”
    “That’s really great,” said the first man, “but I have to know one thing. How come the pig only has three legs?”
    “Hey listen,” replied the proud owner, “a pig like this you can’t eat all at once.”
    *
    What’s brown and white, lives in the forest, and doesn’t have a mother?
Bambi.
    *
    This hot and dusty cowboy rode in from the mesa, filthy and exhausted. He obviously had had nothing but his horse for company for a couple of weeks and was looking forward to a couple of cold beers in the saloon. Swinging off his horse and hitching it to the rail, the cowboy gave his horse an affectionate slap on the neck. Then he astonished an old cowhand lounging on the porch by moving around to the horse’s hindquarters, lifting up its tail, and planting a demure kiss on its asshole.
    “What’d you do that for?” asked the cowhand, completely repulsed.
    “Chapped lips,” said the cowboy, heading for the saloon doors.
    “Wait a minute,” said the old guy. “Whaddaya mean, chapped lips?”
    “Keeps ya from lickin’ ’em,” explained the cowboy.
    *
    Why don’t bunnies make noise when they screw?
They have cotton balls.
    *
    A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved cat in his brother’s care. The minute he’s cleared customs, he calls up his brother and inquires after his pet.
    “Your cat’s dead,” replies his brother bluntly.
    The guy is devastated. “You know how much that cat meant to me,” he moaned into the phone. “Couldn’t you at least have thought of a nicer way of breaking the news? Couldn’t you have said, Well, you know, the cat got out of the house one day and climbed up on the roof, and the fire department couldn’t get her down, and finally she died of exposure . . . or starvation . . . or something? Why are you always so thoughtless?”
    “Look, I’m sorry,” said his brother. “Ill try to do better next time.”
    “Okay, let’s just put it behind us. How are you, anyway? How’s Mom?”
    His brother is silent a moment. “Uh,” he stammers, “uh . . . Mom’s on the roof.”
    *
    Why does Miss Piggy douche with vinegar and honey?
Kermit likes sweet-and-sour pork.
    *
    This guy walks into a psychiatrist’s office with a duck on his head. “May I help you?” politely inquires the psychiatrist.
    “Yeah,” says the duck. “Get this guy off my ass.”
    *
    What’s the difference between a rooster and a whore?
A rooster says cock-a-doodle-doo; a whore says, “Any cock’ll do.”
     
    How about the difference between a rooster and a lawyer?
A rooster clucks defiance . . .
    *
    Do you know why the British ships came back from the Falkland Islands full of sheep?
War