Twitter Wit: Brilliance in 140 Characters Or Less by Nick Douglas Page B
Authors: Nick Douglas
Tags: Humor, General, Social Science, Reference, Sociology, Wit and Humor, Twitter, Popular Culture, Satire And Humor, Humour: Collections & General, Popular Culture - General, Quotations, Humour collections & anthologies, Anecdotes, Web - Social Networking, Online social networks
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gas station restroom I win a flavored balloon.
thedayhascome
Well, the good news is that now I know what poison ivy looks like.
robot_operator
CODEPENDENTS OF THE WORLD, UNITE!! Now promise me you’ll never leave…
adangerlove
rainnwilson { The word “scone” perfectly describes what it is.
I wonder what it’s like for a rock ’n’ roll saxophonist before work. Knowing you’re going to go in there and just ruin everything.
johnmoe
The thing about taking a day off when you are a stay-at-home mom is that then people call it neglect. Except, of course, in France.
LidMo
The way McCain talks about earmarks reminds me of when my grandfather gets cranky when his salad doesn’t have enough tomatoes.
jomc
Sometimes I stub a SnackWell’s out on my arm just to feel less alive.
highindustrial
Swedish is infinitely less spooky when translated into English.
sashafrerejones
Got to therapy early today only to catch her with another patient. “You’re doing this just to spite me!” She booked me through 2009.
Mike_FTW
It’s nice that they’re loaning me a lead vest to protect me from the X-ray machine at the dentist, but the gun pointed at my face.
ev
My boss’s dog has been barking for 2 hours straight. I think she’s saying, “Something something Timmy something hurt.” I don’t speak dog well.
brienis
So I have this friend, right? She’s exclusively into guys with well-defined buttocks. So she only makes passes at chaps that aren’t assless.
strutting
I like to think that all the heavy sighs at work are just people letting the enthusiasm out.
gknauss
Even with a cup full of change, the hobo wouldn’t front me $.50 to add vanilla to my latte. Hope the bastard has fun finding his cart.
buttahface
I love spending time with my 6 nieces and nephews. One at a time. Because all of them at once is enough to make me want to torch my uterus.
essentially_me
Watching American Music Awards. I am too old for the Jonas Brothers. I am too old for the Jonas Brothers…Maybe not that middle one.
rachelsklar
Sometimes it’s like my wife and I aren’t even related.
Samhey
Some days you get the bear. And some days you conspire with the bear to fake your own death and move to the beach.
swimparallel
This guy has such a narrow soul patch I thought he had a run-in with a black Sharpie.
ChiNurse
A friend was just diagnosed with Bob Hoskins disease. It causes crippling obscurity. I barely know who she is anymore.
dickchiclets
Everyone always says how sweet babies are, but it’s a little known fact that babies also stay crunchy in milk.
FanEffingTastic
Well, yeah, the traditional calendar says it’s the 8th, but if we’re going by my chocolate Advent calendar, it’s totally the 22nd already.
gretchasketch
People who live in Los Angeles spend about 1/3 of their day looking for parking. Fortunately the rest of the time we’re kissing celebrities.
Just_Alison
----
A 10-YEAR-OLD KID JUST YELLED “LICK IT FOR TEN” AT ME. OH MY GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE?
jimmyfallon
----
The most pessimistic sentence possible: “Rainbows are shaped like frowns.”
dangurewitch
I just learned that the moon was in the 7th house last week, AND Jupiter just aligned with Mars. Now where the heck did I put my freak flag?
LeoLaporte
I wish a radio station would play “I Got You Babe” on repeat every Groundhog Day just to fuck with people.
magnetbox
It’s ALF you want to spend a night on the town with, but it’s E.T. you want to go home to.
kapto
You know you’re in a dry spell when your encounter with a turnstile nearly has a happy ending.
ronbailey
He said, “Over my dead body!” and I guess I see now that it wasn’t polite to ask if I could pencil that in.
msteciuk
The tomato is the tranny of fruit.
MelodyMcC
Slept terribly last night. Do they have a pill for Restless Vagina Syndrome?
sokeri
Yes, I call that dancing. I have rhythm. I have LOTS of rhythm. I was
thedayhascome
Well, the good news is that now I know what poison ivy looks like.
robot_operator
CODEPENDENTS OF THE WORLD, UNITE!! Now promise me you’ll never leave…
adangerlove
rainnwilson { The word “scone” perfectly describes what it is.
I wonder what it’s like for a rock ’n’ roll saxophonist before work. Knowing you’re going to go in there and just ruin everything.
johnmoe
The thing about taking a day off when you are a stay-at-home mom is that then people call it neglect. Except, of course, in France.
LidMo
The way McCain talks about earmarks reminds me of when my grandfather gets cranky when his salad doesn’t have enough tomatoes.
jomc
Sometimes I stub a SnackWell’s out on my arm just to feel less alive.
highindustrial
Swedish is infinitely less spooky when translated into English.
sashafrerejones
Got to therapy early today only to catch her with another patient. “You’re doing this just to spite me!” She booked me through 2009.
Mike_FTW
It’s nice that they’re loaning me a lead vest to protect me from the X-ray machine at the dentist, but the gun pointed at my face.
ev
My boss’s dog has been barking for 2 hours straight. I think she’s saying, “Something something Timmy something hurt.” I don’t speak dog well.
brienis
So I have this friend, right? She’s exclusively into guys with well-defined buttocks. So she only makes passes at chaps that aren’t assless.
strutting
I like to think that all the heavy sighs at work are just people letting the enthusiasm out.
gknauss
Even with a cup full of change, the hobo wouldn’t front me $.50 to add vanilla to my latte. Hope the bastard has fun finding his cart.
buttahface
I love spending time with my 6 nieces and nephews. One at a time. Because all of them at once is enough to make me want to torch my uterus.
essentially_me
Watching American Music Awards. I am too old for the Jonas Brothers. I am too old for the Jonas Brothers…Maybe not that middle one.
rachelsklar
Sometimes it’s like my wife and I aren’t even related.
Samhey
Some days you get the bear. And some days you conspire with the bear to fake your own death and move to the beach.
swimparallel
This guy has such a narrow soul patch I thought he had a run-in with a black Sharpie.
ChiNurse
A friend was just diagnosed with Bob Hoskins disease. It causes crippling obscurity. I barely know who she is anymore.
dickchiclets
Everyone always says how sweet babies are, but it’s a little known fact that babies also stay crunchy in milk.
FanEffingTastic
Well, yeah, the traditional calendar says it’s the 8th, but if we’re going by my chocolate Advent calendar, it’s totally the 22nd already.
gretchasketch
People who live in Los Angeles spend about 1/3 of their day looking for parking. Fortunately the rest of the time we’re kissing celebrities.
Just_Alison
----
A 10-YEAR-OLD KID JUST YELLED “LICK IT FOR TEN” AT ME. OH MY GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE?
jimmyfallon
----
The most pessimistic sentence possible: “Rainbows are shaped like frowns.”
dangurewitch
I just learned that the moon was in the 7th house last week, AND Jupiter just aligned with Mars. Now where the heck did I put my freak flag?
LeoLaporte
I wish a radio station would play “I Got You Babe” on repeat every Groundhog Day just to fuck with people.
magnetbox
It’s ALF you want to spend a night on the town with, but it’s E.T. you want to go home to.
kapto
You know you’re in a dry spell when your encounter with a turnstile nearly has a happy ending.
ronbailey
He said, “Over my dead body!” and I guess I see now that it wasn’t polite to ask if I could pencil that in.
msteciuk
The tomato is the tranny of fruit.
MelodyMcC
Slept terribly last night. Do they have a pill for Restless Vagina Syndrome?
sokeri
Yes, I call that dancing. I have rhythm. I have LOTS of rhythm. I was
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