Twitter Wit: Brilliance in 140 Characters Or Less by Nick Douglas
Authors: Nick Douglas
Tags: Humor, General, Social Science, Reference, Sociology, Wit and Humor, Twitter, Popular Culture, Satire And Humor, Humour: Collections & General, Popular Culture - General, Quotations, Humour collections & anthologies, Anecdotes, Web - Social Networking, Online social networks
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Teehee!
rolandfox
I’ve always relied on the kindness of strangers and the hatred of loved ones.
yuribaranovsky
Apparently the act of combining DNA from two adults with ADD can result in an eight-year-old with the personality of a pogo stick.
vmarinelli
Her: “So what do you do in NYC?” Me: “Lunch.” Her: “No, really.” Me: “Really. It’s a city of lunch.”
fimoculous
New term for today: “bone juice.” “I have to wash the sheets today. There’s dried bone juice all over them.”
expat_erin
“These people are not aware of my awesomeness. I should probably lean out the window of my limo and screech.”
jkubicek
Boss affectionately referred to the 5th and 6th shots of tequila as “team building.” By end of day we could have started a sports league.
bethylefty
I came down with a case of veganism last week, but the doctor gave me some cream for it.
TheAmazingKim
----
The Epic Fight
One of the most annoying yet compelling uses of Twitter is live-tweeting: a sort of embedded reporting from Twitter. In this example, the user blissfork tracks a series of epic fights she’s overheard from her neighbors .
“I don’t think a rock on a metal band is worth thousands of dollars, but YOU do. YOU convinced me that it’s worth it. But now I wonder.”
“I want to marry you? That’s like saying I want to go to the museum. When I’m fucking stoned all the time my feelings don’t match.”
“All I have wanted for YEARS is for our engagementship to move forward. All that I want is you. All that I HAVE wanted is you.”
“I TOLD YOU NOT TO FUCKING DO THAT! I TOLD YOU I AM FUCKING LEAVING YOU! I DON’T LOVE YOU! I DON’T WANT TO MARRY YOU!”
She must really want that engagement ring. She just gave him a blowy in the living room.
blissfork
----
On a scale of 1–10 how pathetic is it if I go out alone? Ok, well, how about if I take off this shirt that says, “Looking for a baby daddy”?
frostinglickr
Anyone else get paranoid as a kid thinking that they may not have said “amen” at the end of a prayer and that God was still listening?
caseymckinnon
Just spent 3 min trying to bite open tea packet, mumbling motherrrrfuckerrrrrr. Tea bag dangly thing says, “Let your manners speak for you.”
JBRabin
I want to open a gym called House of Reps.
friedmanjon
I love how reading dating profiles gives so much insight into a person’s past lovers, like “NO CHEATERS!” or listing meth as a deal breaker.
furrygirl
Passing the Apple Store iPhone line I thought, “Camping on the street in San Francisco seems so cool, people should do it more often!”
jacksonwest
If plungers could talk, you wouldn’t own one.
swamibooba
An extra DVD about Hitler isn’t exactly what I’d call a “bonus.”
bsheepies
I like having fun with my facial hair when I shave. Right now I’ve got a half chinstrap, one mutton, and a toothbrush.
eyeteegee
I’m getting too old for this. Soon I’ll need each of you to remember what you did to piss me off. Maybe write it down, pin it to your coat.
Mike_ FTW
Just trained my daughter to shout,
“Help, this isn’t my daddy!”
while walking hand in hand down the street.
Glinner
I wonder what would happen if I mailed my landlord a check for $1 less. This could be the beginning of a very dangerous social experiment.
willandbeyond
Really, those Virgin planes look so much like a bad club you expect the stewardesses to roofie your in-flight beverage service.
marklisanti
Three-Card Monte Python is when you get taken for $60 and then a 16-ton weight is dropped on your head.
A_Brianstorm
Rain! Is spring close? Or is God sad because snow touches itself?
jordonm
“You will not sucks forever.” Thanks, fortune cookie.
pheend
I want smooth-jazz-canceling headphones.
disrupsean
Nearby house is painted bright yellow. Don’t mind that, but they missed a patch. Some night I’m going over with a box of
rolandfox
I’ve always relied on the kindness of strangers and the hatred of loved ones.
yuribaranovsky
Apparently the act of combining DNA from two adults with ADD can result in an eight-year-old with the personality of a pogo stick.
vmarinelli
Her: “So what do you do in NYC?” Me: “Lunch.” Her: “No, really.” Me: “Really. It’s a city of lunch.”
fimoculous
New term for today: “bone juice.” “I have to wash the sheets today. There’s dried bone juice all over them.”
expat_erin
“These people are not aware of my awesomeness. I should probably lean out the window of my limo and screech.”
jkubicek
Boss affectionately referred to the 5th and 6th shots of tequila as “team building.” By end of day we could have started a sports league.
bethylefty
I came down with a case of veganism last week, but the doctor gave me some cream for it.
TheAmazingKim
----
The Epic Fight
One of the most annoying yet compelling uses of Twitter is live-tweeting: a sort of embedded reporting from Twitter. In this example, the user blissfork tracks a series of epic fights she’s overheard from her neighbors .
“I don’t think a rock on a metal band is worth thousands of dollars, but YOU do. YOU convinced me that it’s worth it. But now I wonder.”
“I want to marry you? That’s like saying I want to go to the museum. When I’m fucking stoned all the time my feelings don’t match.”
“All I have wanted for YEARS is for our engagementship to move forward. All that I want is you. All that I HAVE wanted is you.”
“I TOLD YOU NOT TO FUCKING DO THAT! I TOLD YOU I AM FUCKING LEAVING YOU! I DON’T LOVE YOU! I DON’T WANT TO MARRY YOU!”
She must really want that engagement ring. She just gave him a blowy in the living room.
blissfork
----
On a scale of 1–10 how pathetic is it if I go out alone? Ok, well, how about if I take off this shirt that says, “Looking for a baby daddy”?
frostinglickr
Anyone else get paranoid as a kid thinking that they may not have said “amen” at the end of a prayer and that God was still listening?
caseymckinnon
Just spent 3 min trying to bite open tea packet, mumbling motherrrrfuckerrrrrr. Tea bag dangly thing says, “Let your manners speak for you.”
JBRabin
I want to open a gym called House of Reps.
friedmanjon
I love how reading dating profiles gives so much insight into a person’s past lovers, like “NO CHEATERS!” or listing meth as a deal breaker.
furrygirl
Passing the Apple Store iPhone line I thought, “Camping on the street in San Francisco seems so cool, people should do it more often!”
jacksonwest
If plungers could talk, you wouldn’t own one.
swamibooba
An extra DVD about Hitler isn’t exactly what I’d call a “bonus.”
bsheepies
I like having fun with my facial hair when I shave. Right now I’ve got a half chinstrap, one mutton, and a toothbrush.
eyeteegee
I’m getting too old for this. Soon I’ll need each of you to remember what you did to piss me off. Maybe write it down, pin it to your coat.
Mike_ FTW
Just trained my daughter to shout,
“Help, this isn’t my daddy!”
while walking hand in hand down the street.
Glinner
I wonder what would happen if I mailed my landlord a check for $1 less. This could be the beginning of a very dangerous social experiment.
willandbeyond
Really, those Virgin planes look so much like a bad club you expect the stewardesses to roofie your in-flight beverage service.
marklisanti
Three-Card Monte Python is when you get taken for $60 and then a 16-ton weight is dropped on your head.
A_Brianstorm
Rain! Is spring close? Or is God sad because snow touches itself?
jordonm
“You will not sucks forever.” Thanks, fortune cookie.
pheend
I want smooth-jazz-canceling headphones.
disrupsean
Nearby house is painted bright yellow. Don’t mind that, but they missed a patch. Some night I’m going over with a box of
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