Twitterature by Alexander Aciman

hooker. Sex may be Godʼs gift but itʼs not cheap.
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    Liza actually showed up at my house. I yelled at her and made her cry. She left.
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    I chased after her for a bit but couldnʼt find her. My life is miserable and lonely. I should get my sociopath shit together.

Of Mice and Men
    by John Steinbeck
    @IAmWithSam
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    Nothing beats hanging out with a ret—. . . idiot, all day. How did I become a babysitter for Rain Man? Minus the superhuman talent, that is.
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    Lennie killed some mice. Great. Itʼs kind of ironic, because compared to a smart guy like me, heʼs kind of a mouse, isnʼt he?
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    Come to think of it, it is pretty funny, because, you know, I am a MAN, and they are MICE, and Lennie is KIND OF BOTH. Get it? (Obvious?)
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    Need to find work. Ret—. . . Lennie here doesnʼt know how to monitor his food intake - weʼre running out of DOUGH. Bam! Pun!
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    Do they call it the Great Depression because everybody is depressed?
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    We found a ranch to work at. Lennie none too bright, but good with his hands. Real steady hands. Iʼd trust him handling just about anything.
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    Playing cards all day. The rancherʼs son is an asshole, but his wife is a pretty swell gal. Also a bit of a party girl.
    @Lennie: Goddamnit: donʼt you know groping women is illegal? Itʼs 1929, man, women have RIGHTS now. Theyʼre EQUAL. Kind of.
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    Now Lennieʼs in trouble with the law. How can you accuse a guy of rape when he doesnʼt know his boner from a hole in the ground?
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    Thereʼs a pretty cool guy here - @Candy. You should check him out, though Candy is kind of a stripper name, isnʼt it?
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    Lennie broke the ownerʼs sonʼs hand, which was kind of funny because his bones popped out of his hand. They were, like, visible!
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    Lennie just wants to live off the fat of the land. Working like a dog in a rock and roll band.
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    Lennie came back into the cabin with that look on his face and I said, Lennie, did you kill another woman?
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    He told me he had done it again, he thought. Why do I get stuck with the dangerously disabled? Did Forrest Gump ever hurt anyone?
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    I hear the lynch mob outside. This is the third time this year that we gotta go ʼcause Lennie made a mess of things.
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    I canʼt deal with this shit anymore. I have a headache, I need an Advil and a good roll in the hay. But Lennie is the Anti-Poon.
    Iʼm going do what I shoulda long ago: shoot this ret—. . . friend, in the head. Otherwise, the mob will torture him. He deserves a quick death.
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    He is my friend though. But I have to do it myself; the law wonʼt euthanize the disabled here, and Texas is way too far away.
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    Another day in the good old Depression.
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    What America needs now is a bottle of Prozac.

Robinson Crusoe
    by Daniel Defoe
    @ImNotGilligan
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    What does my dad know? Embarking on a sea-journey as an indentured servant seems like a perfectly wonderful idea.
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    Man-of-war screwed us. Iʼm a slave. What a fright it gave me! Oh well, life has its lulz and downs.
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    I tossed this other slave from the fishing boat, and Iʼm off to Africa with a slave boy.
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    I really do like this slave boy, heʼs like family, a really good friend, sticking by me through thick and thin. Iʼll always be loyal to him.
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    I sold the slave boy to a Captain who offered to take me to South America. Iʼll use the rest of the money to buy some tobacco.
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    Iʼm finally going to be a sailor! Someoneʼs taking me on their ship.
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    Jesus Christ. A storm! Weʼre sinking!! Wait, wait. Hereʼs a great idea: If I live Iʼll be forever loyal to God.
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    Faith shmaith: How could an inexperienced farmer-slave-runaway survive when the professional sailors drowned?
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    Hmm. No, I think itʼs best to become really religious - and then raid the boat for everything