to fall. In an hour it will be dark. Let’s hurry up while there’s still some light.
PA UBU. Yes, do you hear that, Heads? Hurry up. Hurry up, both of you! Put the beast on a spit and roast it quick. I’m hungry, you know.
HEADS. Ah! that’s the last straw! You either share the work or you get nothing to eat; understand, you fat pig?
PA UBU. Oh well, it’s all the same to me. I’d just as soon eat it raw, as a matter of fact; it’s your stomachs that will suffer. In any case, I’m sleepy.
TAILS. He’s hopeless, Heads! Let’s get dinner ready by ourselves. He won’t have any, that’s all. If we feel generous we might throw him a few bones.
HEADS. Agreed. Ah, the fire’s catching!
PA UBU. Oh, that’s nice, it’s getting warm now. But I see Russians everywhere. God Almighty, what a rout! Aah!
He falls asleep.
TAILS. I wonder if Renski was telling the truth when he said that Ma Ubu really was dethroned. It wouldn’t surprise me at all.
HEADS. Let’s finish cooking the meal.
TAILS. No, we have more important things to do. I think we should find out whether these rumours are true or not.
HEADS. You’re right. Should we desert Pa Ubu or stay with him?
TAILS. Let’s sleep on it. We can decide what to do tomorrow morning.
HEADS. No, let’s slip away now, under cover of darkness.
TAILS. Let’s go, then.
They leave.
SCENE SEVEN
PA UBU (talking in his sleep). Hey, mister Russian dragoon, Sir, don’t shoot in this direction, there’s someone here. Ah! there’s M‘Nure, he’s got a nasty look about him, just like a bear. And there’s Boggerlas coming after me! The bear, the bear! Ah, it’s down! What a tough monster, great God! No, I won’t lend a hand. Go away, Boggerlas! Do you hear me, you lout? Here’s Renski now, and the Tsar! Oh! they’re going to hit me. Ugh, there’s madam my female! Where did you get all that gold ? You’ve stolen my gold, you slut, you’ve been scrabbling around in my tomb which is in Warsaw Cathedral, not far from the Moon. I’ve been dead a long time, yes, it’s Boggerlas who killed me and I’m buried at Warsaw by the side of Ladislas the Great, and also at Cracow by the side of Jan Sigismund, and also at Thorn in the casemate with M’Nure! There it is again. Be off with you, accursed bear. You look just like M‘Nure. And you smell just like M’Nure. Do you hear me, beast of Satan? No, he can’t hear me, the Phynance-extortioners have perforated his nearoles. Debraining, killing off, perforation of nearoles, money grabbing and drinking oneself to death, that’s the life for a Phynance-extortioner, and the Master of Phynances revels in such joys.
He falls silent and sleeps.
Act Five
SCENE ONE
It is night. PA UBU is asleep. MA UBU enters without seeing him. It is pitch dark.
MA UBU. Shelter at last! I’m alone here, which is fine as far as I’m concerned, but what a dreadful journey: crossing the whole of Poland in four days! Every possible misfortune struck me at the same moment. As soon as that great, fat oaf had clattered off on his nag I crept into the crypt to grab the treasure, but then everything went wrong. I just escaped being stoned to death by Boggerlas and his madmen. I lost my gallant Palcontent Gyron who was so enamoured of my charms that he swooned with delight every time he saw me and even, I’ve been told, every time he didn’t see me - and there can be no higher love than that. Poor boy, he would have let himself be cut in half for my sake, and the proof is that Boggerlas cut him in quarters. Biff, bam, boom! Ooh, I thought it was all up with me. Then I fled for my life with the bloodthirsty mob hard on my heels. I managed to get out of the palace and reach the Vistula, but all the bridges were guarded. I swam across the river, hoping to shake off my pursuers. The entire nobility rallied and joined in the chase. I nearly breathed my last a thousand times, half smothered by the surrounding Poles
PA UBU. Yes, do you hear that, Heads? Hurry up. Hurry up, both of you! Put the beast on a spit and roast it quick. I’m hungry, you know.
HEADS. Ah! that’s the last straw! You either share the work or you get nothing to eat; understand, you fat pig?
PA UBU. Oh well, it’s all the same to me. I’d just as soon eat it raw, as a matter of fact; it’s your stomachs that will suffer. In any case, I’m sleepy.
TAILS. He’s hopeless, Heads! Let’s get dinner ready by ourselves. He won’t have any, that’s all. If we feel generous we might throw him a few bones.
HEADS. Agreed. Ah, the fire’s catching!
PA UBU. Oh, that’s nice, it’s getting warm now. But I see Russians everywhere. God Almighty, what a rout! Aah!
He falls asleep.
TAILS. I wonder if Renski was telling the truth when he said that Ma Ubu really was dethroned. It wouldn’t surprise me at all.
HEADS. Let’s finish cooking the meal.
TAILS. No, we have more important things to do. I think we should find out whether these rumours are true or not.
HEADS. You’re right. Should we desert Pa Ubu or stay with him?
TAILS. Let’s sleep on it. We can decide what to do tomorrow morning.
HEADS. No, let’s slip away now, under cover of darkness.
TAILS. Let’s go, then.
They leave.
SCENE SEVEN
PA UBU (talking in his sleep). Hey, mister Russian dragoon, Sir, don’t shoot in this direction, there’s someone here. Ah! there’s M‘Nure, he’s got a nasty look about him, just like a bear. And there’s Boggerlas coming after me! The bear, the bear! Ah, it’s down! What a tough monster, great God! No, I won’t lend a hand. Go away, Boggerlas! Do you hear me, you lout? Here’s Renski now, and the Tsar! Oh! they’re going to hit me. Ugh, there’s madam my female! Where did you get all that gold ? You’ve stolen my gold, you slut, you’ve been scrabbling around in my tomb which is in Warsaw Cathedral, not far from the Moon. I’ve been dead a long time, yes, it’s Boggerlas who killed me and I’m buried at Warsaw by the side of Ladislas the Great, and also at Cracow by the side of Jan Sigismund, and also at Thorn in the casemate with M’Nure! There it is again. Be off with you, accursed bear. You look just like M‘Nure. And you smell just like M’Nure. Do you hear me, beast of Satan? No, he can’t hear me, the Phynance-extortioners have perforated his nearoles. Debraining, killing off, perforation of nearoles, money grabbing and drinking oneself to death, that’s the life for a Phynance-extortioner, and the Master of Phynances revels in such joys.
He falls silent and sleeps.
Act Five
SCENE ONE
It is night. PA UBU is asleep. MA UBU enters without seeing him. It is pitch dark.
MA UBU. Shelter at last! I’m alone here, which is fine as far as I’m concerned, but what a dreadful journey: crossing the whole of Poland in four days! Every possible misfortune struck me at the same moment. As soon as that great, fat oaf had clattered off on his nag I crept into the crypt to grab the treasure, but then everything went wrong. I just escaped being stoned to death by Boggerlas and his madmen. I lost my gallant Palcontent Gyron who was so enamoured of my charms that he swooned with delight every time he saw me and even, I’ve been told, every time he didn’t see me - and there can be no higher love than that. Poor boy, he would have let himself be cut in half for my sake, and the proof is that Boggerlas cut him in quarters. Biff, bam, boom! Ooh, I thought it was all up with me. Then I fled for my life with the bloodthirsty mob hard on my heels. I managed to get out of the palace and reach the Vistula, but all the bridges were guarded. I swam across the river, hoping to shake off my pursuers. The entire nobility rallied and joined in the chase. I nearly breathed my last a thousand times, half smothered by the surrounding Poles
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