Enter a BEAR.
TAILS. Hoy there, Mister Phynance!
PA UBU. Oh, my! Look at that little bow-wow. Isn’t it cute?
HEADS. Look out! Oh, what an enormous bear. Where’s my ammunition?
PA UBU. A bear! Arghh! what a monstrous beast. Oh, poor little me, I’m a gonner. God save me! And it’s coming for me. No, it’s got hold of Tails. Whew! that was a close shave.
The BEAR throws itself on TAILS. HEADS attacks it with a knife. UBU takes refuge on a rock.
TAILS. Help, Heads! Help! Come to my aid, Mister Ubu, Sir!
PA UBU. Nothing doing! Look after yourself, my friend. Just at the moment we are reciting our Pater Noster. Everyone will have his turn to get eaten.
HEADS. I’ve got it. I’ve got a half-nelson on it.
TAILS. Keep it up, pal, it’s beginning to let go of me.
PA UBU. Sanctificetur nomen tuum.
TAILS. Cowardly sod!
HEADS. Ow! it’s biting me! Oh, Lord save us, I’m as good as dead.
PA UBU. Fiat voluntas tua!
TAILS. Ah! I’ve managed to wound the brute.
HEADS. Hurrah! it’s bleeding.
While the PALCONTENTS yell and shout, the BEAR bellows in pain and UBU continues to mumble.
TAILS. Hold it tight while I go get my explosive knuckle-duster.
PA UBU. Panem nostrum quotidianum da nobis hodie.
HEADS. Hurry up, I can’t hold out much longer.
PA UBU. Sicut et nos dimittimus debitoribus nostris.
TAILS. Ah, here it is.
A tremendous explosion. The BEAR drops dead.
HEADS and TAILS. Victory.
PA UBU. Sed libera nos a malo. Amen. Well, is he really dead? Can I come down off my rock?
HEADS (contemptuously). Do whatever you like.
PA UBU ( climbing down). You may pride yourselves that if you be still alive and still trampling underfoot the snows of Lithuania, you owe the fact entirely to the generous virtue of the Master of Phynances, who has strained his integument, acquired a slipped disc and ruptured his larynx in reciting paternosters for your salvation, and who has wielded the spiritual weapon of prayer with a courage equal to the dexterity you have shown in wielding the temporal weapon of the here-present Palcontent Tails’ explosive knuckle-duster. We carried our own devotion even further, in that we did not hesitate to climb to the top of a very high rock so that our prayers should have less far to travel to mount to heaven.
HEADS. Lousy swine!
PA UBU. My, what a fat animal. Thanks to me, you’ve got something to eat. What a belly, gentlemen! The Greeks would have found it more comfortable in there than in their wooden horse, and we were very near, dear friends, to being able to verify with our own eyes its interior capacity.
HEADS. I’m dying of hunger. What’s there to eat?
TAILS. The bear!
PA UBU. My poor friends, are you going to eat it raw? We don’t have anything to start a fire with.
HEADS. We’ve got our gun-flints, haven’t we?
PA UBU. Ah yes, that’s true. And besides, I think I can see just over there a small copse where we should be able to find some dry branches. Go and fetch some, Mister Tails, Sire.
TAILS trudges off across the snow.
HEADS. And now, Mister Ubu, Sire, go ahead and carve up the bear.
PA UBU. Oh, no! The creature may not be quite dead yet. In any case, since you’re already half eaten yourself and bitten all over, you’re just the man for that job. I shall light a fire while waiting for the other knave to bring the wood.
HEADS starts carving up the BEAR.
PA UBU. Oo, look out! I distinctly saw it move.
HEADS. But, Mister Ubu, Sire, it’s already cold.
PA UBU. Oh, that’s a pity, it would have been nicer to eat it while still warm. This is bound to give the Master of Phynances an attack of indigestion.
HEADS (aside). He really is repulsive. (Aloud.) Give us a hand, Mister Ubu, I can’t do the whole job myself.
PA UBU. No, I have no intention of lifting a finger. I happen to be very tired.
TAILS (coming back). What snow, my friends, anyone would think we were in cold Castille or the North Pole. Night is beginning
TAILS. Hoy there, Mister Phynance!
PA UBU. Oh, my! Look at that little bow-wow. Isn’t it cute?
HEADS. Look out! Oh, what an enormous bear. Where’s my ammunition?
PA UBU. A bear! Arghh! what a monstrous beast. Oh, poor little me, I’m a gonner. God save me! And it’s coming for me. No, it’s got hold of Tails. Whew! that was a close shave.
The BEAR throws itself on TAILS. HEADS attacks it with a knife. UBU takes refuge on a rock.
TAILS. Help, Heads! Help! Come to my aid, Mister Ubu, Sir!
PA UBU. Nothing doing! Look after yourself, my friend. Just at the moment we are reciting our Pater Noster. Everyone will have his turn to get eaten.
HEADS. I’ve got it. I’ve got a half-nelson on it.
TAILS. Keep it up, pal, it’s beginning to let go of me.
PA UBU. Sanctificetur nomen tuum.
TAILS. Cowardly sod!
HEADS. Ow! it’s biting me! Oh, Lord save us, I’m as good as dead.
PA UBU. Fiat voluntas tua!
TAILS. Ah! I’ve managed to wound the brute.
HEADS. Hurrah! it’s bleeding.
While the PALCONTENTS yell and shout, the BEAR bellows in pain and UBU continues to mumble.
TAILS. Hold it tight while I go get my explosive knuckle-duster.
PA UBU. Panem nostrum quotidianum da nobis hodie.
HEADS. Hurry up, I can’t hold out much longer.
PA UBU. Sicut et nos dimittimus debitoribus nostris.
TAILS. Ah, here it is.
A tremendous explosion. The BEAR drops dead.
HEADS and TAILS. Victory.
PA UBU. Sed libera nos a malo. Amen. Well, is he really dead? Can I come down off my rock?
HEADS (contemptuously). Do whatever you like.
PA UBU ( climbing down). You may pride yourselves that if you be still alive and still trampling underfoot the snows of Lithuania, you owe the fact entirely to the generous virtue of the Master of Phynances, who has strained his integument, acquired a slipped disc and ruptured his larynx in reciting paternosters for your salvation, and who has wielded the spiritual weapon of prayer with a courage equal to the dexterity you have shown in wielding the temporal weapon of the here-present Palcontent Tails’ explosive knuckle-duster. We carried our own devotion even further, in that we did not hesitate to climb to the top of a very high rock so that our prayers should have less far to travel to mount to heaven.
HEADS. Lousy swine!
PA UBU. My, what a fat animal. Thanks to me, you’ve got something to eat. What a belly, gentlemen! The Greeks would have found it more comfortable in there than in their wooden horse, and we were very near, dear friends, to being able to verify with our own eyes its interior capacity.
HEADS. I’m dying of hunger. What’s there to eat?
TAILS. The bear!
PA UBU. My poor friends, are you going to eat it raw? We don’t have anything to start a fire with.
HEADS. We’ve got our gun-flints, haven’t we?
PA UBU. Ah yes, that’s true. And besides, I think I can see just over there a small copse where we should be able to find some dry branches. Go and fetch some, Mister Tails, Sire.
TAILS trudges off across the snow.
HEADS. And now, Mister Ubu, Sire, go ahead and carve up the bear.
PA UBU. Oh, no! The creature may not be quite dead yet. In any case, since you’re already half eaten yourself and bitten all over, you’re just the man for that job. I shall light a fire while waiting for the other knave to bring the wood.
HEADS starts carving up the BEAR.
PA UBU. Oo, look out! I distinctly saw it move.
HEADS. But, Mister Ubu, Sire, it’s already cold.
PA UBU. Oh, that’s a pity, it would have been nicer to eat it while still warm. This is bound to give the Master of Phynances an attack of indigestion.
HEADS (aside). He really is repulsive. (Aloud.) Give us a hand, Mister Ubu, I can’t do the whole job myself.
PA UBU. No, I have no intention of lifting a finger. I happen to be very tired.
TAILS (coming back). What snow, my friends, anyone would think we were in cold Castille or the North Pole. Night is beginning
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