Uncle John's Bathroom Reader The World's Gone Crazy by Bathroom Readers’ Institute Page B
Authors: Bathroom Readers’ Institute
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swimming with her. “She thought about that for a second,” he later told reporters, “and said, ‘Well, I think the seal was rude for not asking first.’”
SETUP: On the afternoon of November 9, 2009, eight-year-old Brianna Adams of New Market, Maryland, came home from school and told her mother that there was something in her eye. Her mother told her it was probably just an eyelash, but a short time later, Brianna complained again. Her mom agreed to have a look. She gently pulled Brianna’s upper eyelid open and…
AHHHH! …saw a tick in her daughter’s eye. “When I opened up her eye and saw a tick and all the legs were moving,” mom Christina Beachner said, “I almost fell on the floor.” It was stuck tight, so she rushed Brianna to the hospital, where doctors—who said they had never seen or even heard of such a thing before—put some ointment in the eye and covered it with a patch, hoping the tick would back itself out. (It was actually embedded in the fornix , a thin membrane between the eye and eyelid.) By the next day, the tick hadn’t moved, so the medical team had to anesthetize Brianna’s eye, pry the eyelid open, grab the tiny creature with forceps, and pull it out. Brianna’s eye was fine—and she even asked to keep the tick to show her classmates. (She named it Hurt because “it hurt my eye.”)
----
Odds of finding a 4-leaf clover on the first try: 10,000 to 1. Winning the NY lotto: 45 million to 1 .
----
SETUP: A pilot for the Silver Falcons, an aerobatic-flying group affiliated with the South African Air Force, was giving a civilian friend a ride in one of the group’s two-seater jets. During a tricky and stomach-turning maneuver, the friend, apparently trying to steady himself, accidentally pulled a lever near his feet and.
AHHHH! …found out that it was the emergency ejection lever when he was instantly blasted out of the jet’s canopy and shot into the sky. After he and the rocket-propelled seat had flown about 300 feet, a parachute deployed, and the man floated unharmed (if embarrassed) down to the ground. Air Force officials reprimanded the pilot for taking a civilian on one of their planes, and they’d make whatever changes were necessary to the ejection system to ensure that such accidents would not happen in the future.
***
“I feel pretty lucky. Thousands of people die every single day, and it’s not me.”
—Sarah Silverman
----
Scientists have created a genetically modified mouse that can run nonstop for five hours .
----
AWWW…
By which we mean “awww” with a side of “huh?”
S ETUP: A 21-year-old college student and Army reservist was walking home from work in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, late one night in 2009 when four men confronted him. They dragged him into an alley, held a gun to his head, forced him to lie facedown on the pavement, and took his cell phone, wallet, keys, and $16 in cash. But then…
AWWW: …as the muggers were about to leave, one of them ordered the others to stop—and told them to give the young man his belongings back. And the robber apologized. Why the change of heart? While he was going through the wallet, the mugger had seen his victim’s Army ID. He said he would never rob a soldier, and the other muggers thanked their would-be victim for his service and walked away—and one of them even gave him a fist bump. (The soldier’s name was not released; the robbers still had his keys, which he hoped to get back.)
SETUP: A cat named Arthur, owned by Robert and Mavis Bell of Wigan, England, passed away one day in January 2008. The couple’s 18-month-old dog, a Lancashire Heeler named Oscar, whom they described as Arthur’s “best friend.”
AWWW: The day after Arthur died, the Bells woke up to find the deceased cat lying in Oscar’s basket at the dog’s side. The dog had snuck out through the cat door during the night and dug up Arthur from his backyard grave. Oscar had then dragged him back inside and cleaned him up.
SETUP: On the afternoon of November 9, 2009, eight-year-old Brianna Adams of New Market, Maryland, came home from school and told her mother that there was something in her eye. Her mother told her it was probably just an eyelash, but a short time later, Brianna complained again. Her mom agreed to have a look. She gently pulled Brianna’s upper eyelid open and…
AHHHH! …saw a tick in her daughter’s eye. “When I opened up her eye and saw a tick and all the legs were moving,” mom Christina Beachner said, “I almost fell on the floor.” It was stuck tight, so she rushed Brianna to the hospital, where doctors—who said they had never seen or even heard of such a thing before—put some ointment in the eye and covered it with a patch, hoping the tick would back itself out. (It was actually embedded in the fornix , a thin membrane between the eye and eyelid.) By the next day, the tick hadn’t moved, so the medical team had to anesthetize Brianna’s eye, pry the eyelid open, grab the tiny creature with forceps, and pull it out. Brianna’s eye was fine—and she even asked to keep the tick to show her classmates. (She named it Hurt because “it hurt my eye.”)
----
Odds of finding a 4-leaf clover on the first try: 10,000 to 1. Winning the NY lotto: 45 million to 1 .
----
SETUP: A pilot for the Silver Falcons, an aerobatic-flying group affiliated with the South African Air Force, was giving a civilian friend a ride in one of the group’s two-seater jets. During a tricky and stomach-turning maneuver, the friend, apparently trying to steady himself, accidentally pulled a lever near his feet and.
AHHHH! …found out that it was the emergency ejection lever when he was instantly blasted out of the jet’s canopy and shot into the sky. After he and the rocket-propelled seat had flown about 300 feet, a parachute deployed, and the man floated unharmed (if embarrassed) down to the ground. Air Force officials reprimanded the pilot for taking a civilian on one of their planes, and they’d make whatever changes were necessary to the ejection system to ensure that such accidents would not happen in the future.
***
“I feel pretty lucky. Thousands of people die every single day, and it’s not me.”
—Sarah Silverman
----
Scientists have created a genetically modified mouse that can run nonstop for five hours .
----
AWWW…
By which we mean “awww” with a side of “huh?”
S ETUP: A 21-year-old college student and Army reservist was walking home from work in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, late one night in 2009 when four men confronted him. They dragged him into an alley, held a gun to his head, forced him to lie facedown on the pavement, and took his cell phone, wallet, keys, and $16 in cash. But then…
AWWW: …as the muggers were about to leave, one of them ordered the others to stop—and told them to give the young man his belongings back. And the robber apologized. Why the change of heart? While he was going through the wallet, the mugger had seen his victim’s Army ID. He said he would never rob a soldier, and the other muggers thanked their would-be victim for his service and walked away—and one of them even gave him a fist bump. (The soldier’s name was not released; the robbers still had his keys, which he hoped to get back.)
SETUP: A cat named Arthur, owned by Robert and Mavis Bell of Wigan, England, passed away one day in January 2008. The couple’s 18-month-old dog, a Lancashire Heeler named Oscar, whom they described as Arthur’s “best friend.”
AWWW: The day after Arthur died, the Bells woke up to find the deceased cat lying in Oscar’s basket at the dog’s side. The dog had snuck out through the cat door during the night and dug up Arthur from his backyard grave. Oscar had then dragged him back inside and cleaned him up.
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