Uncle John’s Curiously Compelling Bathroom Reader by Bathroom Readers’ Institute Page A
Authors: Bathroom Readers’ Institute
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barely noticeable because the mosquito lubricates her mouthparts with her own saliva before biting. Most of us become aware of the itching only after the mosquito is long gone—not because of the bite or the loss of blood, but because of the saliva left behind. It acts not only as a lubricant, but also as an anesthetic. For most people, the saliva is a blessing, since it allows us to be oblivious to the fact that our blood is being sucked. Unfortunately, it contains anticoagulant components that can cause allergic reactions—the itchy bumps that make us wonder why mosquitoes exist in this otherwise wonderful world.” (From Do Penguins Have Knees? , by David Feldman)
A human body decomposes four times faster in water than on land.
YECCH!
Q: Why do so many kids hate liver and Brussels sprouts?
A: Short answer: they’re disgusting. Long answer: “Liver and Brussels sprouts have unusual textures and odors as well as bland, gray-green coloring. But probably the biggest reason is the strong taste. Children’s taste buds are just developing, and haven’t matured enough to enjoy these two delicacies. Liver actually tastes more bitter to a kid’s taste buds than to an adult’s.” (From Funny You Should Ask , by Marg Meikle)
METER READERS
Q: How are TV ratings determined?
A: “The ACNielsen Corporation does them, sampling a cross section of households from all over the United States. Samples include homes from all 50 states and people of all ages, income groups, geographic areas, ethnicities, and educational levels—all in proportion to their presence in the population at large. Special meters, known as ‘set-top meters,’ are installed to capture information about what channel is being viewed in about 25,000 households. The data is automatically retrieved by Nielsen computers each night, then relayed via phone lines to the operations center in Florida, and processed that same night for release to the television industry the next day.” (Nielsen Media Research)
UNCLE JOHN’S WEIGHT-LOSS SYSTEM
Q: Every time you fart, do you lose a little weight?
A: “Actually, there is some reason to believe that after a good toot you weigh more—slightly. Two of the principal components of flatus are hydrogen and methane, which are both lighter than air. Thus it is conceivable that when you deflate, as it were, you lose buoyancy and add poundage. On the other hand, it is not clear what the ambient pressure of gas in the intestines is—a critical factor, since even a light gas under sufficient compression weighs the same as or more than air.” (From The Straight Dope , by Cecil Adams)
A group of hares is called a down . (A group of hairs is called a wig .)
BIERCE-ISMS
Author and newspaper columnist Ambrose Bierce (1842–1914) often peppered his articles with his own humorous—and cynical—definitions for common words. Here are a few of our favorites .
D entist: A magician who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls coins out of your pocket.
Positive: Mistaken, at the top of one’s voice.
Acquaintance: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.
Dog: An additional Deity designed to catch the overflow and surplus of the world’s worship.
Clairvoyant: A person who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron—namely, that he is a blockhead.
Revolution: An abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.
Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another’s resemblance to ourselves.
Saint: A dead sinner, revised and edited.
Alliance: The union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other’s pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third.
Responsibility: A detachable burden easily shifted to the shoulders of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck, or one’s neighbor.
Appeal: In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw.
Coward: One who in a
A human body decomposes four times faster in water than on land.
YECCH!
Q: Why do so many kids hate liver and Brussels sprouts?
A: Short answer: they’re disgusting. Long answer: “Liver and Brussels sprouts have unusual textures and odors as well as bland, gray-green coloring. But probably the biggest reason is the strong taste. Children’s taste buds are just developing, and haven’t matured enough to enjoy these two delicacies. Liver actually tastes more bitter to a kid’s taste buds than to an adult’s.” (From Funny You Should Ask , by Marg Meikle)
METER READERS
Q: How are TV ratings determined?
A: “The ACNielsen Corporation does them, sampling a cross section of households from all over the United States. Samples include homes from all 50 states and people of all ages, income groups, geographic areas, ethnicities, and educational levels—all in proportion to their presence in the population at large. Special meters, known as ‘set-top meters,’ are installed to capture information about what channel is being viewed in about 25,000 households. The data is automatically retrieved by Nielsen computers each night, then relayed via phone lines to the operations center in Florida, and processed that same night for release to the television industry the next day.” (Nielsen Media Research)
UNCLE JOHN’S WEIGHT-LOSS SYSTEM
Q: Every time you fart, do you lose a little weight?
A: “Actually, there is some reason to believe that after a good toot you weigh more—slightly. Two of the principal components of flatus are hydrogen and methane, which are both lighter than air. Thus it is conceivable that when you deflate, as it were, you lose buoyancy and add poundage. On the other hand, it is not clear what the ambient pressure of gas in the intestines is—a critical factor, since even a light gas under sufficient compression weighs the same as or more than air.” (From The Straight Dope , by Cecil Adams)
A group of hares is called a down . (A group of hairs is called a wig .)
BIERCE-ISMS
Author and newspaper columnist Ambrose Bierce (1842–1914) often peppered his articles with his own humorous—and cynical—definitions for common words. Here are a few of our favorites .
D entist: A magician who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls coins out of your pocket.
Positive: Mistaken, at the top of one’s voice.
Acquaintance: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.
Dog: An additional Deity designed to catch the overflow and surplus of the world’s worship.
Clairvoyant: A person who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron—namely, that he is a blockhead.
Revolution: An abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.
Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another’s resemblance to ourselves.
Saint: A dead sinner, revised and edited.
Alliance: The union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other’s pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third.
Responsibility: A detachable burden easily shifted to the shoulders of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck, or one’s neighbor.
Appeal: In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw.
Coward: One who in a
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