Uncle John's Presents Book of the Dumb 2 by John Michael Scalzi Page B

the Nutter Butter’s capabilities as a weapon? That’s harsh, man. (We can remember some of the comments we made about our teachers. We’d be looking at jail time nowadays.)
    This is also a reminder to teachers out there: telling a class of middle school kids about potentially fatal allergies you have is like giving yourself a nasty paper cut and then swimming in the shark pool—not a good idea. If you’re going to tell them you’re allergic to something, tell them you’re allergic to BMWs. Or Brad Pitt. Let’s see the kids smuggle one of those into class in their backpacks.
    Source: Associated Press

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To The Showers, Coach
    W hat do we want, hope, and expect from a middle school basketball coach? Optimally, we’d hope for one of those coaches who can take a collection of raggedy kids and diligently craft them into a team of players that trusts each other as they take to the hard court—and take on life. Realistically, we’ll settle for anyone who makes sure the players shoot into the right basket at least 80 percent of the time.
    â€œChad” who coached basketball for a Pleasantville, New Jersey, middle school, appeared to lack proper motivational skills. For some reason, Chad believed that public humiliation is what makes the junior high athlete great. The evidence for this came when Chad presented one of his players with a very special award at the annual team banquet. Was it for most team spirit? Best bench warming? Most pronounced ability to draw the foul?
    Nope, it was an award for the biggest crybaby on the team. Presenting a trophy with a crying baby on it to the thirteen-year-old recipient, Chad recounted how the boy “begged to get in the game, and all he did was whine.” To add insult to injury, the boy’s name was misspelled on the trophy.
    Chad would later maintain the award was a joke. But oddly enough, the school board had difficulty in finding the nugget of humor in that particular act, and voted to keep Chad from ever coaching again in Pleasantville. In addition, he had to publicly apologize to the student and take sensitivity training classes. That’s a start.
    Sources: Associated Press

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It Tasted Just Like Stupidity
    Y es, we know. All fizzy things look so tasty. But tell that to “Tim,” a junior from Odessa, Texas, who was presented with a flask of something from the chemistry lab by his alleged friends and bet $2 that he wouldn’t drink from it. Well, two bucks is two bucks, and a bet’s a bet, right? Tim thought so and took a swig. Was it refreshing? Yes, if you define “refreshing” as “causing one to bleed from the nose and mouth,” which was how Tim was found later in the school’s hallway. Alas, he did not have a Coke and a smile.
    What was it he drank? They weren’t sure. “We need to find out what it was from the toxicologist,” assistant principal Ray Lascano told the local press. “All of those materials belonged to one of the chemistry labs.” And generally what’s kept in a chemistry class are chemicals, most of which are not meant to be ingested. You want to ingest chemicals, go down the hall to the cafeteria. Those chemicals, at least, aren’t likely to make you bleed from the mouth. (Unless it’s the tacos; watch out, those tortillas can be pointy.)
    Tim didn’t die, but he spent time in a pediatric intensive care unit before he got sent home. Hopefully with the $2 he won he can afford to buy himself a clue. Or at least some friends who won’t try to slip him toxic fizz.
    Sources: Associated Press

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Not What They Meant by Sex Ed
    A kio,” an unassuming fellow from Tondabayashi, Osaka Prefecture, Japan, just wanted to watch some adult entertainment, but didn’t want his family to know about it. So there he was, with the XXX title he had rented from the local video store and no place to watch it. But then Akio had an idea. There