Fierce . People love you.”
“ Who do you think they’re going to vote for, Jordi? And who are they going to laugh at ?” Eddie’s ghost whispered in my ear in some sadistic loop recording. “ You’re not going to win this competition ,” he had said, and had ultimately been right. “ But look at the bright side. You’re getting paid to be on the show as a performer for however many weeks you last. Maybe you’ll even get to tour. It’s not the gold star you want but it’s better than cleaning out fry traps at the Burger Palace .”
I scooted out of Vanni’s reach and stood to pace. “Yeah, but even in a cast of outcasts I felt like an outcast. What’s wrong with me, I can change. I’m not gay or disabled or another color or older… I’m just fat. I feel like a fraud sometimes because I just can’t get it together.”
Vanni pursed his lips as he stared at me. Finally he ambled to his feet and joined me where I stood, taking my hands into his. “ You’re not fat. You’re a woman, with a choice. Whether you lose weight or whether you don’t, that has nothing to do with being authentic. And that’s what you are, Jordi. You’re real. And you’re powerful.” I looked away, so he went on. “It seems to me that you’ve been listening to the wrong voices for a long, long time, voices that tell you are powerless. Voices that say that you won’t be good enough unless you change. And you know what? You won’t be. For some people you’ll never be good enough no matter what you do or what you change. Because the problem isn’t with you, Jordi. They’re looking at you through their own skewed perception. Why do they have to count?”
A tear dangled just at the corner of my eye. “What if they’re right?”
“They’re only right if you agree. Remember?”
I nodded. “Don’t agree,” I repeated dutifully.
He pulled me into a hug, planting a kiss on the top of my head. “I think that you should fight fire with water. Find another clothing store and offer to advertise for them.”
I chuckled and shook my head. I couldn’t imagine modeling for an ad campaign. How was I supposed to sell clothes to anyone else when I barely felt comfortable in my own skin? I didn’t say as much to Vanni. I knew he’d never understand. He was far too perfect to get what life was like for the rest of us.
He pulled away. “We can talk about it over breakfast. Or lunch,” he added with a grin as he trotted off to the adjoining bedroom to change.
That afternoon Vanni served as a blissful distraction. He gave me a tour of the city to keep me from being alone with my chatterbox, worrying how things were going with Shelby and Jace.
We were all at rehearsal when they finally found us that afternoon. I was sitting next to Vanni as he played around on the piano, fussing with a melody. He had proclaimed that he was going to write my next big single, a sure hit, he kidded. He closed his eyes and let his fingers find the keys, humming sometimes to himself as he tried to compose something concrete. Just as the tune started coming together, Jace and Shelby returned. She was beside herself, overladen with bags of clothes that she would be wearing for the tour to promote T&L. “I had the best day. Help me take these to my dressing room and I’ll tell you!”
Despite every iota of common sense was screaming at me to decline, I hooked my arm into several of her bags and followed dutifully behind. “So the photo shoot went well?”
“It was great!” she exclaimed with a big smile. “I saw some of the proofs. They look amazing. They didn’t even have to airbrush my stupid thighs or anything,” she added with a giggle, reminding me of her ongoing battle with the dimples of cellulite that stood between her and perfection. “And we looked so perfect together. The way he looked at me, Jordi, oh my God. I melted!”
I said nothing. I knew well that look and its effect on the heterosexual female body. “Sounds like
“ Who do you think they’re going to vote for, Jordi? And who are they going to laugh at ?” Eddie’s ghost whispered in my ear in some sadistic loop recording. “ You’re not going to win this competition ,” he had said, and had ultimately been right. “ But look at the bright side. You’re getting paid to be on the show as a performer for however many weeks you last. Maybe you’ll even get to tour. It’s not the gold star you want but it’s better than cleaning out fry traps at the Burger Palace .”
I scooted out of Vanni’s reach and stood to pace. “Yeah, but even in a cast of outcasts I felt like an outcast. What’s wrong with me, I can change. I’m not gay or disabled or another color or older… I’m just fat. I feel like a fraud sometimes because I just can’t get it together.”
Vanni pursed his lips as he stared at me. Finally he ambled to his feet and joined me where I stood, taking my hands into his. “ You’re not fat. You’re a woman, with a choice. Whether you lose weight or whether you don’t, that has nothing to do with being authentic. And that’s what you are, Jordi. You’re real. And you’re powerful.” I looked away, so he went on. “It seems to me that you’ve been listening to the wrong voices for a long, long time, voices that tell you are powerless. Voices that say that you won’t be good enough unless you change. And you know what? You won’t be. For some people you’ll never be good enough no matter what you do or what you change. Because the problem isn’t with you, Jordi. They’re looking at you through their own skewed perception. Why do they have to count?”
A tear dangled just at the corner of my eye. “What if they’re right?”
“They’re only right if you agree. Remember?”
I nodded. “Don’t agree,” I repeated dutifully.
He pulled me into a hug, planting a kiss on the top of my head. “I think that you should fight fire with water. Find another clothing store and offer to advertise for them.”
I chuckled and shook my head. I couldn’t imagine modeling for an ad campaign. How was I supposed to sell clothes to anyone else when I barely felt comfortable in my own skin? I didn’t say as much to Vanni. I knew he’d never understand. He was far too perfect to get what life was like for the rest of us.
He pulled away. “We can talk about it over breakfast. Or lunch,” he added with a grin as he trotted off to the adjoining bedroom to change.
That afternoon Vanni served as a blissful distraction. He gave me a tour of the city to keep me from being alone with my chatterbox, worrying how things were going with Shelby and Jace.
We were all at rehearsal when they finally found us that afternoon. I was sitting next to Vanni as he played around on the piano, fussing with a melody. He had proclaimed that he was going to write my next big single, a sure hit, he kidded. He closed his eyes and let his fingers find the keys, humming sometimes to himself as he tried to compose something concrete. Just as the tune started coming together, Jace and Shelby returned. She was beside herself, overladen with bags of clothes that she would be wearing for the tour to promote T&L. “I had the best day. Help me take these to my dressing room and I’ll tell you!”
Despite every iota of common sense was screaming at me to decline, I hooked my arm into several of her bags and followed dutifully behind. “So the photo shoot went well?”
“It was great!” she exclaimed with a big smile. “I saw some of the proofs. They look amazing. They didn’t even have to airbrush my stupid thighs or anything,” she added with a giggle, reminding me of her ongoing battle with the dimples of cellulite that stood between her and perfection. “And we looked so perfect together. The way he looked at me, Jordi, oh my God. I melted!”
I said nothing. I knew well that look and its effect on the heterosexual female body. “Sounds like
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