him. He’s in everything we do and everything we are. Because he’s everything and he’s nothing both.”
I look around the basement at Erwin, Faye, Sydney, Garrett, Kyle, Lewis, Ryan, Warren, and Carson sitting on their sleeping bags. “Summer break’s almost over and it’s my last year at Grant, you all know that. After this, it’ll all become bigger. A few of you will graduate and come with me, most of you will stay behind and keep things going here. But when the time comes, there will be a place for all of you. Know that.”
Garrett says, “What are we going to do after school ends?”
“We’ll go city wide, then national, then international.”
“Yeah, but how?”
I fidget with my belt loop. “All will be revealed in time.”
I go upstairs and as I close the door, Mom comes out from the living room.
She says, “You brought your friends over?”
“Yeah.”
“Aren’t you a little old to be having a slumber party?”
“It’s not a slumber party, Mom.”
“Just don’t do this again.”
“You want me to send them home? It’s midnight.”
“No, just don’t do it again.”
“No,” I say and walk away from her, to my room.
I close the door and unzip my pants.
There’s a knock on the door.
“What?” I yell.
Through the door comes Faye’s voice, “Can I talk to you?”
I flush and zip up my pants and open the door. “Sorry,” I say. “I thought it was my mother.”
“It’s okay,” and she comes in.
She sits down on my bed and I shut the door and I sit down next to her.
She just looks at me.
I say, “So, what’s going on?”
“Well, we haven’t talked much lately.”
“Yeah, I really should try to spend more individual time with people.”
“I broke up with Erwin a week ago.”
“Oh. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.”
“Okay.”
“I mean, it’s been really hard actually.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Have you ever had a girlfriend?”
“Um, no.”
“I didn’t think so. Why not?”
“I don’t know.”
“Do you ever think about, do you want to?”
I wheeze a laugh. “Uh, Faye…”
“Sometimes I see you looking at me.”
My heart pounds in my ears. My mouth is dry.
She leans over, puts her hand on my leg, moves her face to mine.
I jump up. “Faye. No.”
“Why not?”
“I, uh—”
“You don’t want to?”
“No.”
“Yes, you do,” she says, glancing down at my crotch.
I’m getting hard, oh God. “Faye. Go downstairs. Go to bed.”
“Manuel—”
“Go!”
She stands up and leaves, closing the door behind her.
I close my eyes and grit my teeth. I don’t know what to think about what just happened, but I know I will be thinking about it for the rest of my life.
I open my eyes and walk around in a circle until it’s gone.
I go to the door and push the lock in.
Turn off the light, take off my pants, get into bed.
I’m hard again and I’ll never sleep.
Chapter 23
First period of the first day and no one has History but me, so I go by myself. Iris is there and before I can look away we’ve made eye contact and she half-smiles and half-waves and I half-smile back so I sit next to her.
“Hi,” I say.
“Hi, Manuel. How are you?”
“Good, how are you?”
“Fine.”
Neither of us says anything. It’s kind of awkward.
She says, “How’s your cult?”
“Real good. Why do you ask?”
“Just as a friend.”
“You want to be friends again?”
“I… I miss you.”
“Me— me too.” I glance at her and she glances at me at the same time. I look away.
“Well?” she says.
I say, “Yeah, let’s be friends.”
“Oh, great. But… I meant your cult.”
“Oh right, my cult’s doing real good. You hear about us, huh?”
“Everyone hears about you.”
“Right.”
Think of something to say.
I say, “Are you excited about our last year?”
“Not really.”
“Why not?”
She laughs, “I don’t know. Why, are you excited?”
“Yeah, I can get out of this place.”
“And do what? Is
I look around the basement at Erwin, Faye, Sydney, Garrett, Kyle, Lewis, Ryan, Warren, and Carson sitting on their sleeping bags. “Summer break’s almost over and it’s my last year at Grant, you all know that. After this, it’ll all become bigger. A few of you will graduate and come with me, most of you will stay behind and keep things going here. But when the time comes, there will be a place for all of you. Know that.”
Garrett says, “What are we going to do after school ends?”
“We’ll go city wide, then national, then international.”
“Yeah, but how?”
I fidget with my belt loop. “All will be revealed in time.”
I go upstairs and as I close the door, Mom comes out from the living room.
She says, “You brought your friends over?”
“Yeah.”
“Aren’t you a little old to be having a slumber party?”
“It’s not a slumber party, Mom.”
“Just don’t do this again.”
“You want me to send them home? It’s midnight.”
“No, just don’t do it again.”
“No,” I say and walk away from her, to my room.
I close the door and unzip my pants.
There’s a knock on the door.
“What?” I yell.
Through the door comes Faye’s voice, “Can I talk to you?”
I flush and zip up my pants and open the door. “Sorry,” I say. “I thought it was my mother.”
“It’s okay,” and she comes in.
She sits down on my bed and I shut the door and I sit down next to her.
She just looks at me.
I say, “So, what’s going on?”
“Well, we haven’t talked much lately.”
“Yeah, I really should try to spend more individual time with people.”
“I broke up with Erwin a week ago.”
“Oh. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.”
“Okay.”
“I mean, it’s been really hard actually.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Have you ever had a girlfriend?”
“Um, no.”
“I didn’t think so. Why not?”
“I don’t know.”
“Do you ever think about, do you want to?”
I wheeze a laugh. “Uh, Faye…”
“Sometimes I see you looking at me.”
My heart pounds in my ears. My mouth is dry.
She leans over, puts her hand on my leg, moves her face to mine.
I jump up. “Faye. No.”
“Why not?”
“I, uh—”
“You don’t want to?”
“No.”
“Yes, you do,” she says, glancing down at my crotch.
I’m getting hard, oh God. “Faye. Go downstairs. Go to bed.”
“Manuel—”
“Go!”
She stands up and leaves, closing the door behind her.
I close my eyes and grit my teeth. I don’t know what to think about what just happened, but I know I will be thinking about it for the rest of my life.
I open my eyes and walk around in a circle until it’s gone.
I go to the door and push the lock in.
Turn off the light, take off my pants, get into bed.
I’m hard again and I’ll never sleep.
Chapter 23
First period of the first day and no one has History but me, so I go by myself. Iris is there and before I can look away we’ve made eye contact and she half-smiles and half-waves and I half-smile back so I sit next to her.
“Hi,” I say.
“Hi, Manuel. How are you?”
“Good, how are you?”
“Fine.”
Neither of us says anything. It’s kind of awkward.
She says, “How’s your cult?”
“Real good. Why do you ask?”
“Just as a friend.”
“You want to be friends again?”
“I… I miss you.”
“Me— me too.” I glance at her and she glances at me at the same time. I look away.
“Well?” she says.
I say, “Yeah, let’s be friends.”
“Oh, great. But… I meant your cult.”
“Oh right, my cult’s doing real good. You hear about us, huh?”
“Everyone hears about you.”
“Right.”
Think of something to say.
I say, “Are you excited about our last year?”
“Not really.”
“Why not?”
She laughs, “I don’t know. Why, are you excited?”
“Yeah, I can get out of this place.”
“And do what? Is
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