afraid of being alone.”
She stooped and kissed him tenderly on the cheek, his final message echoing in her mind, breaking her heart. “I love you, too, Tom. I’ve loved you since we were kids. I always have.” She sobbed hard. “I always will.”
She carefully arranged Tom’s hands on his chest, then did the same for Alicia. But she couldn’t bear to leave. She bent over and wrapped her arms around them, holding them close and giving in again to the wrenching sobs.…
This couldn’t be happening.…
Finally, when it seemed as if days had passed, she rose and kissed Alicia on the cheek. She smoothed her hair, knowing it was the last time she’d ever do so. “Good-bye …” She turned to Tom and traced his lips with her finger. Then she kissed him tenderly and studied his face one last time.
Finally she turned and, against every instinct in her body, she left.
Rev. O’Haver waited in the hallway outside and cleared his throat as she approached. “Mrs. Ryan, may I speak with you a moment?”
Hannah stopped and waited. She was struggling to find the strength to move, even to breathe, and all she wanted was to be with Jenny. She didn’t need some stranger offering pat answers.
“Mrs. Ryan … I understand you and your family are Christians?”
A single huff escaped Hannah’s throat, and she wiped her eyes with the tips of her fingers. “Yes, we are.” She paused, trying to make sense of her feelings. “A lot of good it did us.”
The reverend hesitated. “I can’t imagine what you’re going through, Mrs. Ryan, but please know it’s normal to be angry at God.” He paused again. “I’d like to pray with you, if I can.”
Hannah nodded reluctantly and sat down beside the man. He took her hands in his and prayed quietly.
Hannah thanked him when he finished. She hadn’t paid attention to the prayer, but it was over and she wanted to be polite. She allowed herself to be hugged, and then she stood without saying another word and headed for Jenny’s room. Hannah didn’t want to be angry with God, but she didn’t want to talk to him, either. There were more pressing things to think about. She had to contact family members, make plans for a funeral, and tend to Jenny.…
Jenny was all she had left now, a small fragment of a family that only hours earlier had been perfect … complete.
But though Hannah knew she should be thinking about her surviving daughter and the consolation she would need in the days to come, that wasn’t what consumed her as she walked down the hall. Rather she found herself focusing on the other driver … the one who ran the red light and killed her family. And as she thought of him, one emotion reigned supreme.
Hatred.
Six
After affliction … she finds no resting place .
All who pursue her have overtaken her in the midst of her distress .
L AMENTATIONS 1:3
There was solace in keeping busy.
In her new role as victim, widow, and grieving mother, Hannah learned to keep her grief at bay by burying herself in busyness. And there was a mountain of details to handle.
First she made dozens of phone calls in which she told key people about the accident and asked them to contact others. She notified the girls’ schools, Tom’s partner, and the insurance company. And she organized the funeral.
There was precious little time to weep, to even think about her loss. And that was fine with Hannah. As long as she was busy, she could avoid thinking about a lifetime without Tom and Alicia.
Now Hannah sat in an oversized vinyl chair next to Jenny’s hospital bed and glanced at the clock. Eleven in the morning. Nearly twenty-four hours after the collision. In that time Jenny had only awakened once or twice for a few minutes. They’d moved her to the critical care unit, and at the moment she was sleeping again.
Dr. Cleary had been right—Jenny was no longer in danger. Her blood tests and CAT scan were almost normal, but she was sleepy, coming out of the semiconscious
She stooped and kissed him tenderly on the cheek, his final message echoing in her mind, breaking her heart. “I love you, too, Tom. I’ve loved you since we were kids. I always have.” She sobbed hard. “I always will.”
She carefully arranged Tom’s hands on his chest, then did the same for Alicia. But she couldn’t bear to leave. She bent over and wrapped her arms around them, holding them close and giving in again to the wrenching sobs.…
This couldn’t be happening.…
Finally, when it seemed as if days had passed, she rose and kissed Alicia on the cheek. She smoothed her hair, knowing it was the last time she’d ever do so. “Good-bye …” She turned to Tom and traced his lips with her finger. Then she kissed him tenderly and studied his face one last time.
Finally she turned and, against every instinct in her body, she left.
Rev. O’Haver waited in the hallway outside and cleared his throat as she approached. “Mrs. Ryan, may I speak with you a moment?”
Hannah stopped and waited. She was struggling to find the strength to move, even to breathe, and all she wanted was to be with Jenny. She didn’t need some stranger offering pat answers.
“Mrs. Ryan … I understand you and your family are Christians?”
A single huff escaped Hannah’s throat, and she wiped her eyes with the tips of her fingers. “Yes, we are.” She paused, trying to make sense of her feelings. “A lot of good it did us.”
The reverend hesitated. “I can’t imagine what you’re going through, Mrs. Ryan, but please know it’s normal to be angry at God.” He paused again. “I’d like to pray with you, if I can.”
Hannah nodded reluctantly and sat down beside the man. He took her hands in his and prayed quietly.
Hannah thanked him when he finished. She hadn’t paid attention to the prayer, but it was over and she wanted to be polite. She allowed herself to be hugged, and then she stood without saying another word and headed for Jenny’s room. Hannah didn’t want to be angry with God, but she didn’t want to talk to him, either. There were more pressing things to think about. She had to contact family members, make plans for a funeral, and tend to Jenny.…
Jenny was all she had left now, a small fragment of a family that only hours earlier had been perfect … complete.
But though Hannah knew she should be thinking about her surviving daughter and the consolation she would need in the days to come, that wasn’t what consumed her as she walked down the hall. Rather she found herself focusing on the other driver … the one who ran the red light and killed her family. And as she thought of him, one emotion reigned supreme.
Hatred.
Six
After affliction … she finds no resting place .
All who pursue her have overtaken her in the midst of her distress .
L AMENTATIONS 1:3
There was solace in keeping busy.
In her new role as victim, widow, and grieving mother, Hannah learned to keep her grief at bay by burying herself in busyness. And there was a mountain of details to handle.
First she made dozens of phone calls in which she told key people about the accident and asked them to contact others. She notified the girls’ schools, Tom’s partner, and the insurance company. And she organized the funeral.
There was precious little time to weep, to even think about her loss. And that was fine with Hannah. As long as she was busy, she could avoid thinking about a lifetime without Tom and Alicia.
Now Hannah sat in an oversized vinyl chair next to Jenny’s hospital bed and glanced at the clock. Eleven in the morning. Nearly twenty-four hours after the collision. In that time Jenny had only awakened once or twice for a few minutes. They’d moved her to the critical care unit, and at the moment she was sleeping again.
Dr. Cleary had been right—Jenny was no longer in danger. Her blood tests and CAT scan were almost normal, but she was sleepy, coming out of the semiconscious
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