Want It Bad by Melinda DuChamp

think it’s kind of… weird?”
    “Why is it weird? All guys have butt hair.”
    “Weird that my next door neighbor is an escort specializing in bondage.”
    “What’s wrong with weird? You need to give him a call. You could use a little kink.”
    Kink? Me?
    Carla glanced in the direction of the kitchen, hoping the waitress would bring their chicken before Janet said something even more outrageous. “Not my thing.”
    “Oh, come on. You don’t even know what your thing is. This might be a good way to find out. He left you his card, right?”
    “It fell out of his pocket. It was an accident.”
    “My bleached asshole it was an accident.”
    “You bleached your asshole?”
    “Don’t change the subject. He left his card there for you to find.”
    “It was on the floor.”
    “Left in plain sight. Could it be more obvious?”
    “He has a rule about not having neighbors as clients.”
    “Right. And I don’t velvet teabag on the first date.”
    “Do I want to know what a velvet teabag is?
    “When a guy shoves his balls in your box.”
    “You’re making that up. Do you just sit around and think up this stuff? Other people read, or watch TV, while you’re curled up with a notepad, jotting down the most perverted things possible?”
    “The velvet teabag is real, and kinda hot, and you’re changing the subject. Man whore gave you his card. He wants you to partake of his services.”
    Did he?
“He does not. He was just being friendly.”
    “He was soliciting business. And why wouldn’t he? I bet you’re hotter than any of the old crones he’s got on his jock. You can’t tell me you don’t want your hot escort neighbor to tie you up and eat you out until you scream.”
    “Two orders of Pollo Artoccio,” the waitress said, setting the plates in front of them.
    “Would you want that?” Janet asked the waitress.
    “Hell, yes,” she answered. “My boyfriend couldn’t find my clitoris with Google Maps and a GPS.”
    “Preach it, sister.” Janet held up her hand, and the waitress gave her a high five.
    “Can I bring you ladies anything else?”
    “Two coffees, please,” Carla said.
    “You like it black?” the black waitress asked, picking up a pot from her tray and flipping the cups on the table upright.
    “Black is perfect,” Carla said.
    “Damn right.”
    “One more thing,” Janet said. “Can you bring my friend a backbone so she calls the guy?”
    “Call him,” the waitress told Carla. “We’ve been the playthings of men for too long. Time we turned the tables, took some of that sweet ass for ourselves. I paid for it once. Bachelorette party. Stripper dressed in one of those cowboy outfits, looked like the Marlboro Man. Girl, he ate downtown for so long and hard he licked the hair right off of me. Best twenty dollars I ever spent. Now can I get you anything else?”
    “Cowboy stripper’s number,” Janet said.
    “I never got it. Just mounted him and discounted him.”
    “You go, girl.”
    Another high five, then the waitress walked off.
    “You don’t think it’s weird we just had a frank talk about paying for sex with our waitress?” Carla asked.
    “Naw. Happens to me wherever I go. This morning, at Starbucks, the barista and I were swapping blowjob tips. Case in point, in the past I’ve been ignoring the taint. Barista said to massage it. Give it a little pinch and tickle. Sounds like smart advice.”
    “Did you really bleach your asshole?”
    “Don’t do it. Hurts worse than the Hershey squirts after eating jalapenos. And I didn’t notice that much of a color change when I checked with the hand mirror.”
    Carla frowned. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen my own anus.”
    “Don’t bother. It looks like a gorilla winking at you.”
    They ate, chatting about this and that and mostly the guy Janet had conquered the night before, but the whole time, Carla could sense that Janet was just waiting to swing the conversation back to Jake’s dungeon of pleasure.
    Janet pushed