Welcome to the Funny Farm by Karen Scalf Linamen Page B

minutes later I grabbed a spatula, slid the perfectly browned cookies onto a plate, then poured one glass of milk.
    About that time Larry commented on my Betty Crocker response to marital discord. He said, “What are you doing?”
    â€œI’m going to eat this entire plate of cookies.”
    â€œDon’t I get some?”
    â€œI hadn’t planned on it.”
    We didn’t end up in bed. Hard to believe, isn’t it?
    So bingeing on sugar cookies isn’t the answer. Especially if you’re not willing to share.
    The other thing that fails to move a hostile couple from griping to groping would be acts of violence against helpless household appliances. I learned this one evening when I threw Larry’s alarm clock out of a second-story window. Trust me when I say this did not prompt him to stop waving the credit card bill in the air and take me in his arms.
    Go figure.
    I did feel bad about that one, though. I decided to apologize by giving him a new alarm clock along with a note that said, “I guess having fun isn’t the only way to make time fly!”
    Unfortunately, I never got to write the funny note. Larry was able to repair his old clock, so I had to settle on apologizing in a run-of-the-mill fashion unenhanced by my sparkling wit.
    And then we kissed and made up.
    Darn. You know what that means, don’t you?
    It means I just stumbled upon one way to get from point A to point B—from being rivals to being lovers—and it has to do with mastering the knack of apologizing.
    Which is a bummer, because I’d much rather eat sugar cookies than my words.
    But there it is, a hard-to-swallow fact of life: An apology works wonders at restoring harmony and romance in a marriage.
    Actually, knowing how to apologize when we’ve made a mistake not only keeps our marriages vibrant but keeps our relationship with God healthy as well. Read Mathew 5:23 and 24. Now, I’m not a Bible scholar, but here’s what I get from those verses: The next time I’m in church making an offering to God of anything—my time, dollars, or praise—and I suddenly remember that I’ve wronged someone, I should leave the building, get in my car, drive to that person’s house, patch things up, and then get back to church and finish my business with God. Unless, of course, the person is standing next to me. In that case I suppose I could skip the driving part. But you get the idea.
    And if I’m the person who was wronged and stayed miffed, the Bible’s just as clear. Mark 11:25 tells me that the next time I’m praying, if I’m holding a grudge against anyone, I’d better ’fess up and forgive or else all that unforgiveness in me will hinder God from being able to forgive all the stuff I’ve done wrong.
    Tough stuff. Easier said than done.
    But maybe, in the end, keeping our relationships—with each other and with God—free and clear of the debris of grudges is actually the easier way to live. It’s certainly more fun.
    And if the person with whom you need to degrudgulate happens to be your husband, well, it’s possible that all that kissing and making up just might work up an appetite. If so, you could always end up in the kitchen for a little post-reconciliatory snack.
    Sugar cookies always work for me.

18

    Read My Lips
    I SAW THIS GREAT BUMPER STICKER YESTERDAY.
    It said, “Oh, Evolve.”
    I saw another bumper sticker a couple weeks ago. It wasn’t nearly as subtle. It said, “Men Are Idiots And I Married Their King.”
    What was particularly funny is that the King was driving the car.
    We love to make statements, don’t we? On our bumpers, our T-shirts . . .
    And speaking of clothing statements, the one I’ve never quite understood is the whole deal with B.U.M. Equipment. Why a man would wear a shirt announcing that to the entire world is beyond me.
    And don’t even get me started on jewelry. I know