Welcome to the Funny Farm by Karen Scalf Linamen

at myself in the mirror. I thought, this is what happens to fourteen-year-old boys who borrow their dad’s razor for the first time. They look just like this, with toilet paper spit wads on their chins. Of course, fourteen-year-old boys don’t wear Caffe Latte lipstick by Estee Lauder, but other than that, the similarities were striking.
    It was time to take permanent action.
    Even though I haven’t had my appointment yet, it feels good to have made the call. There’s something about finally getting around to a long-intended project that feels really great.
    In fact, I’m so inspired by how good I feel right now that I’m wondering what other loose-end projects I can tackle. What else have I been putting off that I could get out of the way?
    Oh. I just remembered one. Okay, I’ll admit this one’s no fun. In fact, having my follicles electrocuted by a mad scientist ranks higher on my list of favorite activities than this next project.
    You probably know what I’m thinking about. In fact, my guess is that you’re overdue as well.
    I’m thinking about The Dreaded Well-Woman Exam.
    Who came up with this process, anyway? I mean, a total stranger tells me to wear nothing but a paper towel, plant my feet in metal stirrups that feel like they’ve been stored in the freezer, and then I’m supposed to relax and chitchat while he maneuvers a Buick around in there? I don’t THINK so.
    Sigh.
    But it’s a necessary evil. I’m going to stop procrastinating and make the call. You should too.
    Let’s see. What else have I been intending to do? I’m going to make it something fun this time. Oh, I know! Have lunch with Jeffie Burns. She’s the Children’s Ministry Director at my church, and she’s got a wit sharper than an electrolysis needle. Time spent with Jeffie always gets me laughing and leaves me uplifted. We’ve been promising to “do lunch” for months. I think I’ll nail something down.
    January seems to be the month for grandiose new schemes and resolutions. But you know what? I’d love to spend it just catching up on old plans and good intentions.
    Something else I’ve always intended to do has been to read through the Bible in a year. In fact, one of the Bibles I have is already divided into 365 readings. I’ve just never cracked the cover. I’d have to do a little catch-up here at the beginning, but I know it would be an enjoyable journey.
    You know, good intentions and a buck’ll buy you a cup of coffee. Maybe it’s time to turn some of those good intentions into reality.
    Wanna join me? Call your OB-GYN. Have lunch with a friend. Dust off your Bible.
    And if you’ve been battling unwanted hairs, take heart. I hear Dr. Frankenstein’s available for evening and weekend appointments as well.

16

    Crash Diet at Freeway Speeds
    I’ VE BEEN OFF MY DIET FOR WEEKS.
    This morning my breakfast consisted of cookies and potato chips. The good news is the chips were of the low-fat variety. The bad news is that I ate half a bag.
    Wait. It gets worse.
    Then, a couple hours ago I found myself in the drive-through lane at McDonald’s. But it TOTALLY wasn’t my fault. After forgetting to pack a lunch for my teenager, I promised to deliver a sandwich to her school office. When I realized I didn’t have any bread in the house, I found myself forced to drive through McDonald’s and purchase a cheeseburger and fries for her. And, as you can well imagine, the only way to keep myself from eating her french fries while I drove was to buy a second burger and fries of my very own.
    The next thing I know I’m driving down the highway and smelling french fries and salivating at the thought of chasing down my breakfast of cookies and chips with a nice, greasy burger when suddenly I think to myself:
    LINAMEN, GET A GRIP!
    Sure, I started a diet on January 1 just like you did. But here I am, already two