one breath.
This man had been delivering cylinders to their home for the last fifteen years and he was upset.
‘Kakiji, mein peechle pandhra saal se aapko
cylinder
dene aa raha hoon aur aap abhi tak …’
he started to say before giving up and walking away.
‘Mom, you can’t treat someone like that these days!’ Simi scolded.
Her mother raised the volume on the television and ignored Simi.
‘I have made tea. Reheat and have it, you must be tired!’
‘Tired? Why? I am not tired!’ The response sounded defensive.
Can she sense I had sex? Can she see something? Something on my dress? Oh God! But I didn’t have sex. Whatever it was, it was not sex. Oh God, please don’t let sex be like that. Why is she saying I look tired?
As Simi rushed to the bathroom her mother called out offering her money.
‘Here, you gave it to the
cylinderwala, na
? Take it!’
‘Mom, I told you I don’t need money!’
Simi closed the door and switched on the geyser, dragging out the small plastic stool her mother used for bathing and sat down. She didn’t realize it but tears started rolling down her cheeks.
Simi felt lost. There was nothing wrong with her life, but she was caught in a rut. At the tender age of twenty-three, Simi was tired. She had no idea what she was doing with her life — she didn’t know what more she should do, or could do or how. She was not certain of her emotions; she couldn’t pinpoint what bothered her.
Something must be bothering me right, because almost every other day I sit here and cry.
She hated herself for trying too hard to change things.
I mean, why else would you do something like have sex with a guy like Namit? I wish I had someone to guide me.
She missed Tia — or at least she missed having a sibling around to share things with. Simi was still not sure if she was bearing a grudge against Tia for leaving her alone in Nagpur with her mother, or if she was just sad that it was not
her
who was abroad having a rocking life. She loved her mother dearly, but Tia’s single-minded plan and subsequent departure from India — and from their lives — had left Simi with no choice but to stay with their widow mother. That too in Nagpur. That also meant going to college in Nagpur, going to university in Nagpur, probably staying forever in Nagpur. So far her life had been Nagpur and their one BHK flat. And Nagpur was such a huge place that you could circle around the town in ten minutes flat. You could do it twice if you were not walking.
Tia’s departure had a tremendous effect on Simi; something that she didn’t realize until much later — long after Tia had already gone physically and emotionally, gone far away from them. She felt Tia left because she knew Simi would take care of their mother. She wondered if Tia spent any time thinking what was going on in her little sister’s life? Simi tried not to encourage such thoughts; they made her feel guilty.
How selfish of me! There she is living all by herself, at least I have mother with me.
One shouldn’t think like that, not when it comes to your own mother and sister. But when Tia left, Simi was only seventeen and she felt alone and fearful. She suddenly became too caring for her mother, who in turn became too possessive of her. After all, her mother had lost one daughter to a foreign country — as she called it — and the two of them were all they had.
Over the years her mother and Tia had grown apart, but Simi didn’t have the privilege of completely hating Tia for that. She was the only thread left between them. Her mother would often enquire about Tia, as she knew they talked sometimes and exchanged emails. It would look selfish on Simi’s part if she showed anger towards either of them. She didn’t have that luxury; her mother had taken that away from her. In their family of three, it was always about either Tia or her mother, and the irony was that they weren’t even talking to each other. But what that meant was that she
This man had been delivering cylinders to their home for the last fifteen years and he was upset.
‘Kakiji, mein peechle pandhra saal se aapko
cylinder
dene aa raha hoon aur aap abhi tak …’
he started to say before giving up and walking away.
‘Mom, you can’t treat someone like that these days!’ Simi scolded.
Her mother raised the volume on the television and ignored Simi.
‘I have made tea. Reheat and have it, you must be tired!’
‘Tired? Why? I am not tired!’ The response sounded defensive.
Can she sense I had sex? Can she see something? Something on my dress? Oh God! But I didn’t have sex. Whatever it was, it was not sex. Oh God, please don’t let sex be like that. Why is she saying I look tired?
As Simi rushed to the bathroom her mother called out offering her money.
‘Here, you gave it to the
cylinderwala, na
? Take it!’
‘Mom, I told you I don’t need money!’
Simi closed the door and switched on the geyser, dragging out the small plastic stool her mother used for bathing and sat down. She didn’t realize it but tears started rolling down her cheeks.
Simi felt lost. There was nothing wrong with her life, but she was caught in a rut. At the tender age of twenty-three, Simi was tired. She had no idea what she was doing with her life — she didn’t know what more she should do, or could do or how. She was not certain of her emotions; she couldn’t pinpoint what bothered her.
Something must be bothering me right, because almost every other day I sit here and cry.
She hated herself for trying too hard to change things.
I mean, why else would you do something like have sex with a guy like Namit? I wish I had someone to guide me.
She missed Tia — or at least she missed having a sibling around to share things with. Simi was still not sure if she was bearing a grudge against Tia for leaving her alone in Nagpur with her mother, or if she was just sad that it was not
her
who was abroad having a rocking life. She loved her mother dearly, but Tia’s single-minded plan and subsequent departure from India — and from their lives — had left Simi with no choice but to stay with their widow mother. That too in Nagpur. That also meant going to college in Nagpur, going to university in Nagpur, probably staying forever in Nagpur. So far her life had been Nagpur and their one BHK flat. And Nagpur was such a huge place that you could circle around the town in ten minutes flat. You could do it twice if you were not walking.
Tia’s departure had a tremendous effect on Simi; something that she didn’t realize until much later — long after Tia had already gone physically and emotionally, gone far away from them. She felt Tia left because she knew Simi would take care of their mother. She wondered if Tia spent any time thinking what was going on in her little sister’s life? Simi tried not to encourage such thoughts; they made her feel guilty.
How selfish of me! There she is living all by herself, at least I have mother with me.
One shouldn’t think like that, not when it comes to your own mother and sister. But when Tia left, Simi was only seventeen and she felt alone and fearful. She suddenly became too caring for her mother, who in turn became too possessive of her. After all, her mother had lost one daughter to a foreign country — as she called it — and the two of them were all they had.
Over the years her mother and Tia had grown apart, but Simi didn’t have the privilege of completely hating Tia for that. She was the only thread left between them. Her mother would often enquire about Tia, as she knew they talked sometimes and exchanged emails. It would look selfish on Simi’s part if she showed anger towards either of them. She didn’t have that luxury; her mother had taken that away from her. In their family of three, it was always about either Tia or her mother, and the irony was that they weren’t even talking to each other. But what that meant was that she
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