things that happened to me in some way.
Wasn't he?
I didn't even know anymore.
So I decided to go with my gut. I bought the things I needed before asking my boss if I could borrow some tools and for a few days off. I took my Jeep over to the center and spent a couple hours in the parking lot, doing what needed to be done as much as I could tell. Then I left a note and went home to get some clothes in a bag for the trip.
I couldn’t believe how this trip had come out of nowhere, out of seemingly nothing. I never imagined I would go back, not just because of Roz, but because…I never thought I'd want to.
As I drove through the mountains, loving the cool air that swamped in from the open doors, I thought about what that guy had said last night. He had been selfish and stupid, thought that whatever he was mad at his family for was validation for acting out and taking one more hit of whatever he could get his hands on.
When he talked about how his older brother tried to save him all the time, and it made him hate him even more…
I didn't know how I was going to feel about Mason. I guessed I would see how I felt when I saw him. More than anything, I needed to see Mamma. And then an awful thought hit me. What if something had happened to her and they couldn't find me to tell me?
I violently pushed that thought away and turned the radio up louder to drown out all my thoughts. I drove as The Cure's "Just Like Heaven" took me home.
After a few hours, I pulled into a drive-thru and got some quick dinner. I wanted to go to the house and see Mom now, like pulling off a Band-Aid. But I knew Mason would be there, and Emma—that girl he married.
Mason was married. I couldn't even wrap my head around that. It had been two years. A million things could have happened by now. They could have a kid, they could have moved, they could have put Mom in a home, though, if I was being honest, I knew Mason would never do that.
As a little bit of love for my brother seeped out, my hatred smacked it back down. I loathed this fight in me that I didn't seem to have any control over.
I checked into a motel in town and lay in the bed, the TV on, but I wasn't really watching it. I knew by that time, Maya had to have gotten off work and found my note. I hoped I hadn't messed up things too badly. I was sure she was even more cemented in her belief that two addicts shouldn't date. It was clear I had things to work out, and she probably had plenty to deal with without adding me to things.
Either way, I barely knew the girl, but she had made me feel something—something real, something not manufactured or fabricated. I didn't know how easily I could let that go, but if she wanted me to leave her alone, I would.
I closed my eyes and tried not to think about it.
But I would be lying if I said a girl with pale white skin and hair as black as coffee didn't star in my dreams.
I sat outside my old house on the curb for over an hour. I swallowed down the last of my Big Gulp of root beer, my last attempt at stalling. I didn't know what to say to her. I didn't know why I was scared. Mason's truck wasn't there. I knew Emma most likely wasn't there either.
I didn't even know what this meant. It wasn't like I could move back here and everything would go back to the way it used to be, even if I did want to. Roz wouldn't let me come back. I just needed to see Mom. Where we went from there…we'd cross that bridge later.
The more I sat there idly, the more I wanted to turn the Jeep around and find something to put in my veins to make me forget it all.
I pulled the sleeve of my shirt up and looked at the inside of my elbow. I hadn't used the needles long enough to leave permanent scars like some people. You could barely see the marks there anymore—not like they used to look, not like they used to feel, all bruised and angry.
I couldn't think about that now.
I swung off the seat and reached for the flowers I bought for Mamma. I
Wasn't he?
I didn't even know anymore.
So I decided to go with my gut. I bought the things I needed before asking my boss if I could borrow some tools and for a few days off. I took my Jeep over to the center and spent a couple hours in the parking lot, doing what needed to be done as much as I could tell. Then I left a note and went home to get some clothes in a bag for the trip.
I couldn’t believe how this trip had come out of nowhere, out of seemingly nothing. I never imagined I would go back, not just because of Roz, but because…I never thought I'd want to.
As I drove through the mountains, loving the cool air that swamped in from the open doors, I thought about what that guy had said last night. He had been selfish and stupid, thought that whatever he was mad at his family for was validation for acting out and taking one more hit of whatever he could get his hands on.
When he talked about how his older brother tried to save him all the time, and it made him hate him even more…
I didn't know how I was going to feel about Mason. I guessed I would see how I felt when I saw him. More than anything, I needed to see Mamma. And then an awful thought hit me. What if something had happened to her and they couldn't find me to tell me?
I violently pushed that thought away and turned the radio up louder to drown out all my thoughts. I drove as The Cure's "Just Like Heaven" took me home.
After a few hours, I pulled into a drive-thru and got some quick dinner. I wanted to go to the house and see Mom now, like pulling off a Band-Aid. But I knew Mason would be there, and Emma—that girl he married.
Mason was married. I couldn't even wrap my head around that. It had been two years. A million things could have happened by now. They could have a kid, they could have moved, they could have put Mom in a home, though, if I was being honest, I knew Mason would never do that.
As a little bit of love for my brother seeped out, my hatred smacked it back down. I loathed this fight in me that I didn't seem to have any control over.
I checked into a motel in town and lay in the bed, the TV on, but I wasn't really watching it. I knew by that time, Maya had to have gotten off work and found my note. I hoped I hadn't messed up things too badly. I was sure she was even more cemented in her belief that two addicts shouldn't date. It was clear I had things to work out, and she probably had plenty to deal with without adding me to things.
Either way, I barely knew the girl, but she had made me feel something—something real, something not manufactured or fabricated. I didn't know how easily I could let that go, but if she wanted me to leave her alone, I would.
I closed my eyes and tried not to think about it.
But I would be lying if I said a girl with pale white skin and hair as black as coffee didn't star in my dreams.
I sat outside my old house on the curb for over an hour. I swallowed down the last of my Big Gulp of root beer, my last attempt at stalling. I didn't know what to say to her. I didn't know why I was scared. Mason's truck wasn't there. I knew Emma most likely wasn't there either.
I didn't even know what this meant. It wasn't like I could move back here and everything would go back to the way it used to be, even if I did want to. Roz wouldn't let me come back. I just needed to see Mom. Where we went from there…we'd cross that bridge later.
The more I sat there idly, the more I wanted to turn the Jeep around and find something to put in my veins to make me forget it all.
I pulled the sleeve of my shirt up and looked at the inside of my elbow. I hadn't used the needles long enough to leave permanent scars like some people. You could barely see the marks there anymore—not like they used to look, not like they used to feel, all bruised and angry.
I couldn't think about that now.
I swung off the seat and reached for the flowers I bought for Mamma. I
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