colleges they obtained at graduation went to prove my point. They saw life as it was, while I meandered my way through heartbreaks, misguided spirituality and confused goals.
CHAPTER FOUR
After four years of rigorous study, when I graduated from MSIT with a marketing job in a company specializing in information technology, I gathered courage for the first time to spell out my years of yearning and proposed to Shalini. My heart was in my mouth as I expressed my desire with a lot of hope. Would she marry me? She was still grappling with her college and promptly said 'no'.
I felt shattered and surprised. Our years of friendliness and bonding meant nothing to her! With just another year of college remaining she was certainly not as young anymore to not have thought of matrimony. Didn’t she have adult desires or were her adult feelings meant for somebody else?
I sank into an abyss. She had rejected me so casually. There was no point living without her. I felt betrayed and abandoned. My best friend had gone to the US for higher studies, while the person I wanted as my partner for life didn’t want me. Life would be unlivable after this. I dug out the song I’d penned in high school about the future of our love and sadly read the lyrics to myself.
I have loved you, More than I could show,
Whether awake or asleep, Wherever I go,
I think of you, and only, only you...
You make up my dreams, and my heartbeats,
Every moment I think of only you...
Never did I feel, till I saw you again
What Love could mean, Or Joy and Pain...
I added a few more lines and tried to infuse my numb mind with some hope. But there was none. I could die pining for her, but before that I had to be sure why she said no and whether she meant it permanently. I had to know her heart. Was there no hope for me? Something to live for?
I busied myself composing a tune for the lyrics I had written. It was a way to keep myself occupied. Otherwise, life held no meaning without her. My composition would fulfill my need for her, and bring out the pathos of my lacerated heart, articulating feelings she refused to listen or understand. Maybe the song would impress her and encourage her to think about me more seriously.
The melody I composed for the lyrics started looking nicer with each passing day and I recorded it into our tape recorder. Beyond that there was little for me to do at the present. I made up my mind to learn music composition and arrangement in the future, and arrange a musical band around my melodies to make them sound spontaneous and rhythmic. If I could become half as popular as R. D. Burman, she might reconsider my proposal.
Somehow, my parents didn't share my enthusiasm of embarking upon a new career in music, after grinding through four years of engineering. I explained that the campus job offer I’d landed was in the field of marketing, not engineering, so anyway my engineering education of four years would lack application. They ignored my rationale and waywardness without actively objecting. That's something I shall always remember about them. They encouraged me when they could, but did not create an issue or stop me if they disagreed.
Considering their lack of encouragement to let me consider a formal course in music, I felt I needed to generate greater spontaneity in my musical rhythms and beats on my own, more than the automatic accompaniment presets of my small synthesizer keyboard allowed. I wanted to compose arrangements that listeners wouldn’t laugh at.
However, life was presently a burden. It was difficult to persist with my passion for music composition in the aftermath of Shalini’s rejection. There would be enough opportunities later in life if I lived, to become a proficient musician if I still wanted.
For the time being I took to spirituality to get away from the sorrow of her rejection and started chanting God's names on tulsi beads that I started carrying around in a bead-bag slung about my neck. I ignored the
CHAPTER FOUR
After four years of rigorous study, when I graduated from MSIT with a marketing job in a company specializing in information technology, I gathered courage for the first time to spell out my years of yearning and proposed to Shalini. My heart was in my mouth as I expressed my desire with a lot of hope. Would she marry me? She was still grappling with her college and promptly said 'no'.
I felt shattered and surprised. Our years of friendliness and bonding meant nothing to her! With just another year of college remaining she was certainly not as young anymore to not have thought of matrimony. Didn’t she have adult desires or were her adult feelings meant for somebody else?
I sank into an abyss. She had rejected me so casually. There was no point living without her. I felt betrayed and abandoned. My best friend had gone to the US for higher studies, while the person I wanted as my partner for life didn’t want me. Life would be unlivable after this. I dug out the song I’d penned in high school about the future of our love and sadly read the lyrics to myself.
I have loved you, More than I could show,
Whether awake or asleep, Wherever I go,
I think of you, and only, only you...
You make up my dreams, and my heartbeats,
Every moment I think of only you...
Never did I feel, till I saw you again
What Love could mean, Or Joy and Pain...
I added a few more lines and tried to infuse my numb mind with some hope. But there was none. I could die pining for her, but before that I had to be sure why she said no and whether she meant it permanently. I had to know her heart. Was there no hope for me? Something to live for?
I busied myself composing a tune for the lyrics I had written. It was a way to keep myself occupied. Otherwise, life held no meaning without her. My composition would fulfill my need for her, and bring out the pathos of my lacerated heart, articulating feelings she refused to listen or understand. Maybe the song would impress her and encourage her to think about me more seriously.
The melody I composed for the lyrics started looking nicer with each passing day and I recorded it into our tape recorder. Beyond that there was little for me to do at the present. I made up my mind to learn music composition and arrangement in the future, and arrange a musical band around my melodies to make them sound spontaneous and rhythmic. If I could become half as popular as R. D. Burman, she might reconsider my proposal.
Somehow, my parents didn't share my enthusiasm of embarking upon a new career in music, after grinding through four years of engineering. I explained that the campus job offer I’d landed was in the field of marketing, not engineering, so anyway my engineering education of four years would lack application. They ignored my rationale and waywardness without actively objecting. That's something I shall always remember about them. They encouraged me when they could, but did not create an issue or stop me if they disagreed.
Considering their lack of encouragement to let me consider a formal course in music, I felt I needed to generate greater spontaneity in my musical rhythms and beats on my own, more than the automatic accompaniment presets of my small synthesizer keyboard allowed. I wanted to compose arrangements that listeners wouldn’t laugh at.
However, life was presently a burden. It was difficult to persist with my passion for music composition in the aftermath of Shalini’s rejection. There would be enough opportunities later in life if I lived, to become a proficient musician if I still wanted.
For the time being I took to spirituality to get away from the sorrow of her rejection and started chanting God's names on tulsi beads that I started carrying around in a bead-bag slung about my neck. I ignored the
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