closer to Sin-Dour, forcing Printlip to scuttle after him as the doctor had been busy spraying nanogel on his hand. “What is it with mainframe security on fleet starships? It’s rubbish! Every three-legged virus can get into our systems, with one leg waving hello!”
“No longer the case, I assure you,” said Tammy. “Oh, and whispering doesn’t work, by the way. I can still hear you. Anyway, my own defense array has replaced the main computer’s security system, which, as you rightly point out, Captain, was laughable. But you see, this is what happens when you Terrans insist on keeping ship computers nonsentient. It doesn’t help either with those Artificial Intelligence Governor Protocols on those rather simian AIs you do permit. I can understand you Terrans keeping each other relatively stupid—I have watched your news media—but to so cripple perfectly innocent AIs is, frankly, immoral.”
“You ready for your teeth to be reinserted, Captain?”
Hadrian stared down at Printlip. “What?”
“Your security officer has found them, sir,” said the doctor. “I thought, if I—”
“Not now, Printlip! Can’t you see we’ve been hacked, ripped into, sliced and diced?”
“Apologies, Captain,” wheezed Printlip. “As a surgeon, I know nothing of hacking, ripping into, or slicing and dicing. ”
Hadrian turned to his chief engineer. “Buck, can you tear out the main computer?”
The man blanched. “Uh, you mean, manually, sir?”
“That’s right. Get a crowbar. Pop a panel, and start digging.”
“But Captain! That would turn Willful Child into so much junk!”
“Junk beats spacedust,” Hadrian replied. “If I don’t get my ship back, we’re looking at starting the self-destruct sequence.”
“Captain,” said Sin-Dour, “we don’t have a self-destruct sequence.”
“We don’t? Why the hell not?”
“I’m not sure, sir, but it probably seemed like to stupid way to win an argument.”
“What did I say about fat-assed pencil-pushers, 2IC?”
Tammy announced, “I have decided to engage the T drive. A new course is laid in. We will be leaving Affiliation space.”
Buck called up an interface that materialized in front of him. “Tammy’s right, sir. The T drive’s powering up.”
“And I suppose you’re now going to tell me you can’t take a crowbar to the T drive either.”
“Captain,” Buck said, his face twitching, “I’d rather die instead.”
“What’s our course, Buck?”
“We’re heading for the Exclusion Zone, sir. The final destination is deep inside Radulak-Klang territory. Captain, this could start a galactic war.”
“That’s the problem with you biologicals,” said Tammy. “You’re all nest-builders, and if some stranger steps too close to it, why, you go insane.”
Hadrian roared, “Give me my ship—ow! My hand!”
“Best not clench that fist, sir,” wheezed Printlip.
“This only appears suicidal,” Tammy said. “But I have great faith in your collective instincts for self-preservation. I advise we take a stance of going in with guns blazing, as the old saying goes.”
Hadrian glared at Buck. “ETA for the Exclusion Zone? Which neutral faction is patrolling it this month?”
“Uhm, ETA is six hours, give or take. I don’t know who’s patrolling this month, sir.”
“Anyone?”
Sin-Dour cleared her throat. “I expect the Affiliation adjutant would know, sir.”
“Captain,” said Printlip, “if you will crouch down, I can glue your teeth back in now.”
Hadrian shoved the doctor aside. It fell and rolled to the far wall, arms flailing. “Tammy!” the captain snapped. “Since you’re now running everything, where is Adjutant Tighe right now?”
“In her quarters, Captain.”
“Sober?”
“Of course.”
“Oh well,” Hadrian said, shrugging. He held up his barely healed hand and flexed it gingerly. “That will have to do. Good work, Printlip, but the teeth will have to wait.”
The doctor had regained its
“No longer the case, I assure you,” said Tammy. “Oh, and whispering doesn’t work, by the way. I can still hear you. Anyway, my own defense array has replaced the main computer’s security system, which, as you rightly point out, Captain, was laughable. But you see, this is what happens when you Terrans insist on keeping ship computers nonsentient. It doesn’t help either with those Artificial Intelligence Governor Protocols on those rather simian AIs you do permit. I can understand you Terrans keeping each other relatively stupid—I have watched your news media—but to so cripple perfectly innocent AIs is, frankly, immoral.”
“You ready for your teeth to be reinserted, Captain?”
Hadrian stared down at Printlip. “What?”
“Your security officer has found them, sir,” said the doctor. “I thought, if I—”
“Not now, Printlip! Can’t you see we’ve been hacked, ripped into, sliced and diced?”
“Apologies, Captain,” wheezed Printlip. “As a surgeon, I know nothing of hacking, ripping into, or slicing and dicing. ”
Hadrian turned to his chief engineer. “Buck, can you tear out the main computer?”
The man blanched. “Uh, you mean, manually, sir?”
“That’s right. Get a crowbar. Pop a panel, and start digging.”
“But Captain! That would turn Willful Child into so much junk!”
“Junk beats spacedust,” Hadrian replied. “If I don’t get my ship back, we’re looking at starting the self-destruct sequence.”
“Captain,” said Sin-Dour, “we don’t have a self-destruct sequence.”
“We don’t? Why the hell not?”
“I’m not sure, sir, but it probably seemed like to stupid way to win an argument.”
“What did I say about fat-assed pencil-pushers, 2IC?”
Tammy announced, “I have decided to engage the T drive. A new course is laid in. We will be leaving Affiliation space.”
Buck called up an interface that materialized in front of him. “Tammy’s right, sir. The T drive’s powering up.”
“And I suppose you’re now going to tell me you can’t take a crowbar to the T drive either.”
“Captain,” Buck said, his face twitching, “I’d rather die instead.”
“What’s our course, Buck?”
“We’re heading for the Exclusion Zone, sir. The final destination is deep inside Radulak-Klang territory. Captain, this could start a galactic war.”
“That’s the problem with you biologicals,” said Tammy. “You’re all nest-builders, and if some stranger steps too close to it, why, you go insane.”
Hadrian roared, “Give me my ship—ow! My hand!”
“Best not clench that fist, sir,” wheezed Printlip.
“This only appears suicidal,” Tammy said. “But I have great faith in your collective instincts for self-preservation. I advise we take a stance of going in with guns blazing, as the old saying goes.”
Hadrian glared at Buck. “ETA for the Exclusion Zone? Which neutral faction is patrolling it this month?”
“Uhm, ETA is six hours, give or take. I don’t know who’s patrolling this month, sir.”
“Anyone?”
Sin-Dour cleared her throat. “I expect the Affiliation adjutant would know, sir.”
“Captain,” said Printlip, “if you will crouch down, I can glue your teeth back in now.”
Hadrian shoved the doctor aside. It fell and rolled to the far wall, arms flailing. “Tammy!” the captain snapped. “Since you’re now running everything, where is Adjutant Tighe right now?”
“In her quarters, Captain.”
“Sober?”
“Of course.”
“Oh well,” Hadrian said, shrugging. He held up his barely healed hand and flexed it gingerly. “That will have to do. Good work, Printlip, but the teeth will have to wait.”
The doctor had regained its
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