Yes Means Yes: Visions of Female Sexual Power and A World Without Rape by Friedman, Jaclyn Friedman, Jessica Valenti

about what gets them off, but the payoff is that you’re let into that private part of their mind where the key to their sexual fulfillment lies. You may think you know what drew them to you, or what’s going on in their head as they ask you to have sex in public or take them over your knee for a spanking, but until you hear it directly, you won’t know for sure. And for me, not knowing, or at least not asking, is a missed opportunity to find out something crucial about my lover.
     
    (I once slept with a guy who didn’t like any talking in bed. Not his name, not “yes,” not even little moans of encouragement. This killed the mood for me, because I felt like I couldn’t even ask if we could move over, or whisper sweet nothings in his ear. The silence was utterly uncomfortable. I definitely didn’t return for more.)
     
    Admitting and claiming what we want in bed is not necessarily an easy task. Neither is asking your partners what they want. But it’s worth it. Why? Because you gain a fuller understanding of what they’re thinking about you, themselves, and your sex life. Let’s say you want to try tying your partner up; you saw the movie Bound and were inspired. You can’t just plunge right in and whip out the ropes and expect him or her to agree (while they might agree, clearly, discussion is needed beforehand). The reason is not simply so they can say yes or no, but to find out why it’s a turn-on for each of you; you may have very different reasons. Don’t just say, “I want to tie you up. Are you game?” Explain what it is about the act that seems so sexy; say, “I want you all to myself. I want to take control. I want to watch you squirm.” Or, “I want to watch you masturbate.” Or whatever your fantasy scenario is. This moves the earlier fantasy talk into the here and now, but also leaves room for questions and back and forth, for going beyond “yes” or “get out of my bed.”
     
    By embracing a broader concept of consent, we acknowledge that just as “sex” means a lot more than just penis-in-vagina intercourse, “consent” at its best can be about more than just “yes” or “no.” It means not taking the “yes” for granted, as well as getting to know the reasons behind the “yes,” and those, to me, are what’s truly sexy.
     
     
    If you want to read more about IS CONSENT COMPLICATED?, try:
    • Toward a Performance Model of Sex BY THOMAS MACAULAY MILLAR
    • An Old Enemy in a New Outfit: How Date Rape Became Gray Rape and Why It Matters BY LISA JERVIS
    • Reclaiming Touch: Rape Culture, Explicit Verbal Consent, and Body Sovereignty BY HAZEL / CEDAR TROOST
     
     
    If you want to read more about SEXUAL HEALING, try:
    • A Woman’s Worth BY JAVACIA N. HARRIS
    • An Immodest Proposal BY HEATHER CORINNA
    • In Defense of Going Wild or: How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love Pleasure (and How You Can, Too) BY JACLYN FRIEDMAN
     

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    A Woman’s Worth
     
    BY JAVACIA N. HARRIS
     
     
     
    I USED TO RANT ABOUT the exploitation of women all the time. Then I started hearing women say they felt good about posing nude and flaunting their goods in music videos. Many business tycoons and entertainment executives who use women’s bodies to promote their product or brand even claim what they’re doing is not exploitation, but empowerment. They’re not trying to degrade women, they claim, they’re uplifting us.
     
    And if the women working for them feel the same way, then I figured I should just shut up.
     
    But then I started to wrestle with certain questions. Just because someone loves what they’re doing, does that mean they’re not being exploited? And isn’t it time for the discussion to go beyond empowered versus exploited and focus on the bigger picture? If more industries objectify women for profit and use “female empowerment” as part of their marketing strategy, what could this mean for women as a gender and feminism as a movement?
     
     
    I love watching